Talking about sex and things with you're boyfriend

One-in-a-million

Ok so as my boyfriend remembered we have been going out officially for a month 😂 (I didn't remember.)

We have sort of talked about sex in a way but have both said there is no pressure and the time will come when it comes.

But there are a few things I think I should tell him about. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and while I'm not actually quite ready to have sex yet I don't want to get caught in the heat of the moment. (I'm talking contraception) I have been advised by my epilepsy nurse to speak to my doctor about this because I will be unable to use certain forms of contraception as it can interfere woth my medication, e.g. The pill. I've also been told that this needs to be carefully considered as pregnancy will also have to be planned a couple of months in advance so my medication can be adjusted (if needed) and supplements needed can be started for both the mine and the baby's health.
I don't exactly want to bring this up just as we are about to have sex. But he deserves to know about this right? I know I say I'm not ready yet but I don't actually know when I'll be ready and think I should think about this in advance. I don't want to scare him though lol .


My second concern and I'm probably being silly about it. Is that I need to know that he will stop if I ask him to. This sounds stupid I suppose because he's my boyfriend and I trust him. But I think it stems from being in school when some of the boys would touch me in ways I didn't like not particularly in sexual area but they would squeeze my waist, squeeze and rub my neck/ shoulders while saying things about my body I wasn't ok with. and when I said no or stop they just laughed they did make a joke once that they would rape me after they grabbed me but they were just kidding about it although I didn't find it funny. But then after they would tell me I was ugly, fat ect
I suppose not being listened to has kinda made me a bit anxious about it but I don't want him to feel like I don't trust him.
I don't feel as effected by what happened now but I suppose it's just reassurance that I'm safe.

Former Member

tbh if it scares him then he aint worth your time. as its so vital that you have a way to stop pregnancy you'll have to discuss it with him at some point - but i would suggest waiting a little longer because a month isn't that long to be with someone, unless you plan to have sex anytime soon.

he should stop if you ask him to. i mean it'd technically be rape if you asked him to stop and he didnt, even if you consented at the start and wanted to stop half way through. perhaps speak to him about your past experiences with boys at some point too? express that though you do trust him you might be uncomfortable to start with, ideally he shouldn't take that as a personal offence (and if he does call him out on it - because it aint an offence to him and he'd be being insensitive) and should instead take that as a signal to take it slow.

One-in-a-million

Hi thanks for replying, we are both not ready just yet and are just taking things as they come yet and it does feel good that we are both on the same page of waiting.
I suppose these are just fears that I have about myself in a way. But you are right it is important to prevent pregnancy and if I'm honest it more the thought of not knowing how will need to be considered with my gp. But I think you're right that if it scares him theyhe isn't worth it.

I think it's just the thought of bringing up might make him feel that I think he wouldn't stop if I asked because while we are both not ready I still think I'd feel like this when we both are.

Thanks

Former Member

Hi one-in-a-million

I really like what you are asking here, it's such a good question.

We hear about waiting to be ready to have sex, but what about being ready to talk about sex. How do we not scare our partners or encourage them before we are anyway near ready to be sexually active?

Your epilepsy is a really good 'in' with this conversation, it means you have to think of certain things in order to take care of yourself in a way people without epilepsy would not have to. Like with contraception for example, you could ask did you know some epilepsy medications can stop certain types of contraception from working? If he knows then brilliant, he's informed, if not then you are now in a conversation about why it's important that before any sexual activity with anyone you need to see your gp and adjust your medication.

There is also a really good checklist for knowing when you are ready for sex:

1. Can either of you say no at any point and it really be ok to stop or not take things any further?

2. Have you discussed contraception with each other and a sexual health worker?

3. Do you understand the consequences of sex both emotionally as well as physically?

4. Are you being tricked, pressured or coerced in any way?

If you both answer yes to 1-3 and no to 4 then maybe you are ready. But the final decision is still yours and yours alone.

Why are we not allowed to talk about sex? It is a taboo subject in our society but all the interesting topics are, I do not see any reason why you can't talk about sex in general with friends, parents or partners. Their reactions to the topic will tell you a lot about them too and it is always good to find out sooner rather than later what their views really are.

Hope that helps.

glenn

One-in-a-million

Thanks Glen I suppose I just don't want to leave it until the last minute. I suppose it's better to be ready early where it can be stoped if it isn't right for me. Rarther than leave it until we are ready and then be told we have to wait and see if the contraception is in balance woth my other meds. Does that make sense?

I like the idea of bringing it up in a casual conversation.

Former Member

Well it makes sense to me.

It sounds like you know exactly what you want to say to your partner and you want to be ready early, which isn't a bad thing at all in my book.

I hope it goes well for you guys.

glenn

One-in-a-million

Thank you again Glenn we have spoke and he is really understanding about it. I haven't told him about school yet although he does know something happend

Former Member

Hi!

We're always taught that sex is a big thing and that your first time is something to be remembered, right? So, for both of you, you want it to be the best it can be but this is only going to happen if you're both honest with each other, that way you'll both be comfortable making the whole experience better. It sounds as though he fully gets where you're coming from, which is a great start!

Look forward to hearing back from you

Han

One-in-a-million

I've literally just realised my title is wrong ha ha ha. Oh well.

Since I've spoke to him, we have been very honest with each other. So it's actually a relief that I feel able to open with him now.

He understands that while I'm not quite ready to go that step further yet I want to be prepared for it and has agreed it would be best to do that anyway, that way there is no sudden decisions and things are prepared for when we are ready.

Thank you

Former Member

I'm really glad you talked it out and everything is well
trust is a key component when it comes to being intimate with a partner because it is a very personal thing. I hope you are feeling better and remember you can always keep us updated if you have any more questions, I wish you the best x :rainbow2:

One-in-a-million

Thank you Lane, since I spoke to him about it. It has broke the ice for us and we are really relaxed about it now, he even said he would come with me if I wanted him too.

I feel much better now I've actually spoken to him about all of this