Just curious? (Depression/ anxiety)

Former Member

Hi guys,

So I'm turning 22 next week, and I can honestly say these past four years have been the most challenging of my life so far. Despite being in a loving relationship (Which recently ended) for the majority of these four years, I've pretty much constantly battled this self inflicted 'truth' that I'm an absolute disaster. This idea arose shortly after I got with my now ex when I had crippling anxiety whilst she was away on holiday, the kind of anxiety that takes you out of yourself almost and makes you feel like a complete stranger to your own life. The thought that she'd come home and find someone different in me to the one she knew terrified me, and I never let it go even once she'd come home and shown nothing but love and adoration. The relationship took a turn from then on as I felt tremendous guilt and failure that anxiety had seemed to ruin everything, and lead me to self destruct and neglect what we had, because I simply felt I didn't deserve it. I was unable to feel love or any sense of self worth, and it turned me into a bitter and spiteful person; poles apart from the person she loved. It became harder and harder to talk about how I was feeling, because I felt that my feelings were so invalid by this point. Long story short (ish), we broke up in April and I've since been prescribed a course of antidepressants and am awaiting counselling/ therapy. The issue I'm currently facing is still this idea that I'm a failure, that my feelings are unimportant and that I can't do anything right. It makes me act recklessly i.e spending money thoughtlessly, drinking whenever I get the chance (socially), and putting off uni work which could lead to me failing my year and being stuck at home, all of which add up and make me feel dreadful. I'm incredibly hard on myself so it's hard to acknowledge that things might not be as bad as they seem, but what I struggle with most is that I'm actually a great person with a lot to offer but I can't get over this sense of self hate that's ruining my life. I was just curious if anyone else has experienced this kind of stress, where it feels like there is no outlet for your feelings, because you feel like the problems you have are all your own fault, and that you should simply be 'better'? I'm in a real mess, and I feel completely hopeless.

Long read I know, but I appreciate anyone who took the time to read and could possibly give an input to try detangle my fried mind.

Thank you, have a nice day!

x

Aoife

Hey Tom,

Welcome to The Mix, it's great to have you here :wave:

It sounds like it's been a really difficult couple of years for you, really well done for reaching out and talking about what's been going on for you. I just wanted to say that feelings of anxiety can be common to experience in relationships, so you're not alone in feeling how you did when you were with your ex. It sounds like you felt your anxiety ruined your relationship. What happened with your ex isn't your fault at all. It can be easy to blame yourself, but like you mentioned, it sounds like you have a lot to offer and that you're a great person . There's an article on The Mix website that you might find helpful to read through, it all about anxiety and relationships. I've included a bit of it below:

What if I feel guilty that they have to put up with my anxiety?

All relationships need some give and take. Wouldn’t you be understanding if your boyfriend or girlfriend was having a hard time? It’s fine to expect the same from them.
You might feel bad, but those are your feelings and concerns. Don’t assume your partner agrees. If they’re happy to support you, that’s their choice. And if they’re upset or frustrated, those feelings are about the illness – they’re not about you.
Anxiety doesn’t cancel out the reasons why they fancied you in the first place, so try not to lose sight of your strengths. After all, there’s more to you than your condition, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.

How do you feel after reading through this bit of the article?

I'm really sorry to hear you feel you're a failure and that you're feelings are invalid. Breaking up with someone you love very much can be really upsetting and distressing. These feelings at the moment won’t last, but what can help some people is to work through each emotion and give yourself time to recover from this.

Stay strong and keep posting here whenever you like, we're all here for you

- Aife

Former Member

Hi Tom

Welcome to The Mix.
Anxiety, depression and break up are probably yhe worse combaniation together. Personally i don't suffer from any but alot of my close family and friends suffer from them.
Your not to blame for the break up like Aife said. It sound to me you let everything get on top of you, then you started to stress what kicked the anxiety off, then caused the break up what concluded with depression. Anxiety and depression is a tuff topic but they can come hand in hand with each other.
Sorry i couldn't of been anymore help to you today Tom. Please reach out for support on here my using this link : http://www.themix.org.uk/get-support . Hope to see you round here soon.
Take care

Abi