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Dead end.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I obsess over my mental health; taking endless online tests and quizzes to figure out what's going on upstairs. Many conclusions have been made, the one that I feel most applies to me is schizotypal personality disorder. I'm only 17, so get refused any sort of diagnosis, medication or any sort of help... My mind is a disease.
I can't sleep at night due to the fear of "it" coming for me when I'm most vulnerable. "It" follows me in the dark, forcing me into fear, depression and paranoia. Sometimes, I see "it" lurking in the shadows, keeping an eye on me, rustling in bushes outside and in the corner of my room when inside.
I have delussions from opposite ends of the spectrum, yet they both have the same impact; no trust for anyone. I have strong belief that everyone hates me and is out to get me, but also that everyone wants to be with me and finds me sexually attractive... Even family members.
I keep myself to myself whenever possible and if I find myself in a social situation, I simply don't speak, not unless I am personally spoken to or if I take drugs. No one understands, a select few "know where [I'm] coming from" but they don't know how or why; I don't know myself.
I have internal battles with my emotions, wishing I could express them to those around me. When I'm "angry," I often wish I could lash out at someone and cause physical or emotion harm, yet I care too much so withstand this desire.
This world that we live in is not what it seems, I imagine it almost like a game, as if every action has already programmed, so no matter how I think or want to act, I simply cannot. When playing a game, there a three options when you hit pause: "Continue," "New Game" and "Quit." I'm so tempted to quit as I can't continue and don't have the mental nor physical energy to make a new game and better my life.
There are more issues with me than previously mentioned, however, these are the few that trouble me the most and cause the most damge.
Thank you for taking the the time to read this and I ask with an open heart for any suggestions you may have.
Thank you one again, with love,
- SPD37 (Tony)
I can't sleep at night due to the fear of "it" coming for me when I'm most vulnerable. "It" follows me in the dark, forcing me into fear, depression and paranoia. Sometimes, I see "it" lurking in the shadows, keeping an eye on me, rustling in bushes outside and in the corner of my room when inside.
I have delussions from opposite ends of the spectrum, yet they both have the same impact; no trust for anyone. I have strong belief that everyone hates me and is out to get me, but also that everyone wants to be with me and finds me sexually attractive... Even family members.
I keep myself to myself whenever possible and if I find myself in a social situation, I simply don't speak, not unless I am personally spoken to or if I take drugs. No one understands, a select few "know where [I'm] coming from" but they don't know how or why; I don't know myself.
I have internal battles with my emotions, wishing I could express them to those around me. When I'm "angry," I often wish I could lash out at someone and cause physical or emotion harm, yet I care too much so withstand this desire.
This world that we live in is not what it seems, I imagine it almost like a game, as if every action has already programmed, so no matter how I think or want to act, I simply cannot. When playing a game, there a three options when you hit pause: "Continue," "New Game" and "Quit." I'm so tempted to quit as I can't continue and don't have the mental nor physical energy to make a new game and better my life.
There are more issues with me than previously mentioned, however, these are the few that trouble me the most and cause the most damge.
Thank you for taking the the time to read this and I ask with an open heart for any suggestions you may have.
Thank you one again, with love,
- SPD37 (Tony)
0
Comments
At 17 years old you should still be able to get diagnosis or medication if needed. And still can get help. Maybe trying a different gp if your current one is refusing it. It sounds like a lot for yourself so you desrve help and even having an a diagnosis or answer to why you feel the way you do could help.
You mention taking drugs- Taking drugs can trigger mental health symptoms. So maybe not taking drugs May ease how you feel?
Feeling like every one hates yiu must feel horrible and unfortunately people may not understand you but many people go through similar experiences and feel paranoid and not alone with that.
It's never a dead end and always ways of improving your life and seeking support is a great first step to improving . You sound like you're doing well and try control things like your anger and sometimes we just need a lil help and support or ways of managing to deal with it. There's always hope.
Hope that helped & take care