Friday Date- Awful! X

Former Member

So on Friday I went on a first date with someone who is 11yrs older than me (he is 31 and I'm 20). Anyway we known each other from work and I thought I liked him more than just friends but after Friday its a completely different feeling.

​Basically on Friday we met up in town and we went to the park together. He then asked me if I wanted a hug so we did and he said he wanted to touch my belly (bump - pregnant at the moment- Pregnant again not planned post worth looking at) and play with my hair as that what I said I wanted him to do when I spoke to him on Thursday evening. Anyway we sat on a bench in the park and that's what we did. He did it for what seemed like 45mibs I think. Anyway it got to stage when he held my hair away from my neck that it made me feel like it was cut short again like what I did once I found out the news about being pregnant and what my ex did to me and therefore I then got flashbacks and emotional. Also I got emotional because of the fact he was feeling my bump and the fact he aid he wish it was his child and that he would raise it like it was his own if I wanted to keep the child. After about an hour I started to feel really insecure and I just put my hands in my head and was close to crying and he asked me if I was okay because I was so silent and he just let me sit there. He also wanted a kiss and I was ok with that to start off with but then he wanted a longer one and I know he was there enjoying it cause he was closing his eyes and moving my head closer to him so he could kiss me harder and he had both of his arms around my stomach. Anyway I got really uncomfortable so I pulled away and he asked if I was ok and I just said I was started to feel insecure and he was ok with that because he knew what ive been through in the past but in actual fact I was starting to feel really sick so I asked to go to the toilet where I was nearly sick and I started crying. He said after that I was really quiet when we were going round town to look at tattoo ideas because he wanted us to get matching tattoos, we didn't get them in the end but there is still plans to.

​Anyway that is what happened in the date and I know I'm not ready for the relationship, its too early after everything that has happened recently. I want to tell him that I cant do it but at the same time I don't want to lose him as a friend because he has helped me so much.
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​Any tips? x

JustV

Hey Laura,

Firstly, I'm sorry that you had such a rough time - not how anyone wants to spend a date! I hope you managed to get some self-care in afterwards. It sounds it helped you realise how you really feel about this guy though? Sometimes it's hard to know these things before you take that dive.

In terms of what to do next... it's a tricky one. I reckon your instinct to tell him you're not feeling it is probably a good one. If this guy cares about you and is able to appreciate the way you're feeling then hopefully you wouldn't lose him as a friend, but of course we can't say for sure given that there are so many emotions at play (and that we don't know as much about the situation as you).

Would you feel comfortable sitting down and having an honest conversation with him about how you're feeling? You sound like you know what you want, and oftentimes the best way to work through these situations with people is to be open and upfront about your thoughts and feelings. That way, nothing's left up to guessing and no one feels mislead (in theory).

Feel free to keep us updated. :yes:

Former Member

Hi Mike. Thanks for the reply. Yeah I had a rough time on Friday. Ever since it happened it always been on my mind and yeah it made me realise that I'm not ready for a relationship with him and yeh I know, it was the worse experience ever!!! Yeh I don't know what to do next right now. yeah I want to tell him that I don't feel I can be with him and I hope he will understand that but at the same time I'm worried that ill lose him as a friend. I don't feel I can meet up with him because of the worry he might do something that I don't like. yeh I need to be open with him its just finding the confidence to. I will keep you updated. He hasn't messaged me since Sunday morning so ill see what happens when he next messages me!

​Anymore replies would be much appreciated

Former Member

Hi Laura!

Sorry things didn't work out as planned, but everything happens for a reason right? Maybe a phone call to set the record straight, (if you don't feel up to meeting face to face) would work wonders, as texts can often be misread and things can get confusing. The fact that you built a friendship up before your date, could possibly work in your favour though, as you have that to fall back on - sometimes people are better off as friends, but you never know unless you try!

I look forward to hearing back from you. :yes:

Hannah x

Former Member

Hi Hannah. Thanks for the reply. Yeh things didn't work out well but now I know that I'm not read for a relationship so soon after what happened. I will ring him once ive got a reply to my message. ive sent him a message tonight saying that I need to talk to him urgently so see what happens. he did message me earlier today but not since ive replied to him so will wait and see. I hope we can stay as friends as he has helped me lots when things have been tough. always a message away if u need to talk Hannah

Former Member

Hi. An update on this::: This situation has got a lot worse cause he still wants to be with me more than just friends with some of the messages he is sending me. I still want to be friends with him cause he has helped me lots and I like talking to him but at the same time its hard to talk to him when I know he wants to be more than just friends and even harder to meet up with him because I expect him to do stuff I don't want.
​Need advice

Former Member

Hi Laura,

I'm sorry that things aren't working out so well.

First of all I hope you don't feel pressured to do anything that you don't want to with this guy. Sometimes we feel pressure to do things we don't want to with people because they're our friend or just because they're a nice person but you shouldn't feel as though you have to because of this.

It sounds like a tricky situation. If you still want to be friends with him then perhaps the best way forward is to be honest with him and explain the way that you're feeling. From the sound of your post, he sounds as though he knows a fair bit about you and so explaining why you aren't in the right place for a relationship right now hopefully won't be too difficult.

If you're struggling to talk to him about it or think that he may react badly in anyway then it might be worth writing down how you feel and sending it via a message.

I hope it goes well! If you need anymore advice don't hesitate to ask

Former Member

Hi Lals thanks for the reply.
Yeh things haven't been working out well.
​Although he says that he wont pressure me into doing stuff that I don't want to do I feel with some of the messages he is sending me that it may be different and this is what is making me nervous to ever meet up with him again. I haven't seen him in person since the date back in June, ive only been talking to him through social media. there was some things from the first date that I didn't feel confrotable with; the bit when he wanted to kiss me but I still did it because I felt he wanted to do it.
​I am in a tricky situation cause I still want to be friends with him and he knows that and at first said that was fine but now it seems he still wants more than friends with the messages he is sending me. yeh he knows a lot about me from when I was raped and ended up being pregnant cause of it to my upbringing. he knows why I cant be in a relationship right now and accepted it when I first told him but now I feel he is just thinking about himself instead of what I want. he knows how I'm feeling about it all but it doesn't seem to make any difference right now.
thanks x