dealing with grief, low self esteem, anxiety & anger.

Former Member

Hi, my name’s Lia. I am currently 16 years old- 17 in August. I live in North Wales with my mum and two dogs. My dad passed away in 2013, he committed suicide, I was 12 years old. Before he passed away, I remember I could be sad sometimes but nowadays I just feel so sad all the time. After he passed away for the first two years I thought the best way to carry on with life was to completely block his death out of my life, I thought this was going well until I realised later on how much sadness & grief I was storing away. I remember I would walk in school and smile and just act happy, but deep down I know now I was only happy on the outside. Later on into my high school career, I remember a few boys picking on me. I had always had anxiety and desperately hated the way I look which I still hate today. I remember they had all called me an alien. I remember it was dinner time and I was sitting with a few of my friends just talking like everyone does, and loads of boys in my year at the time came up to us and were whispering, then they proceeded to tell me I looked like an alien. I remember my friends were trying not to laugh, and I didn’t know what to do. I sat there and smiled, I smiled at the fact they were putting me down because I didn’t know what to do, I knew I was ugly already and didn’t need to be reminded. I remember that day I went home, and I just felt so bad. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I turned my phone off and didn’t mention anything to my mum, I didn’t go back to school for a few days after. I know they possibly couldn’t of know how I was feeling already, but I was already storing my father’s death, anxiety & low self esteem. I remember walking into school everyday after that event and being scared of seeing them, scared of them saying something to me again and everyone noticing me and laughing. Every time I would see one of them around school I would suddenly feel naseous so I made myself small, I hated being in a crowd, I hated being the one in the center of attention. At the time, I remember trying to forget about the moment but it would always pop up in my head. Looking back now, I wish I could tell the younger me not to worry about it, that everyone soon forgot about it and that no one really was there to put me down. After that whole incident, I never truly focused on school, I never was a A* student but I was definitely not a bad student, I used to try and I focused hard in school. But I felt like I had no interest and I never really came into school, I would have time off and people used to be shocked when I came in because I was rarely there. Exam time I had truly given up, I done no revision and prior to exams I had mock exams which I had done quite well on. Considering I truly had given up I didn’t do as bad as I thought, I managed to get into college doing level 3. This now takes up to now, I went to college for a few months and decided to quit as I wasn’t enjoying the course. Now I have a job working with kids in a preschool playgroup and I love it, I love the fact that I’m a vital part of their early education. Nowadays I tend to get angry easily and do swear a lot at my mum, and most of the times I don’t even know why. I get angry so quickly and frustrated. My mum then gets angry and It makes me sad. Today is father’s day, fourth father’s day without my dad. We had a nice day having a picnic, but when we got home I came inside after sitting down and asked my mum why she was sitting inside and that it “wasn’t like her” to be inside on a hot day which we rarely get here in the UK. I decided to get myself a drink and during that managed to drop my new Iphone face first onto the hard tiled floor, the screen had completely smashed and I decided to show my mum. I was upset. She got up and shouted at me, “I’m done, I’ve had enough she said” and stormed out, she left and decided to go for a ride. This made me really upset not only because it’s father’s day but because I had just dropped my phone. I’m not quite sure what the future’s going to become, but I hope I become more happy with myself and have less anxiety and more self love - Lia Xx
I often wonder if anyone else is going through this with me.

Former Member

I've also never told anyone how I'm truly feeling so all this is very new and scary to me.

Former Member

Hi Lia,

First of all, welcome to the boards! It's so good to have you here!

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you've been through a lot in a rather short amount of time, but you should know that how you are feeling is completely normal. You will find that a lot of people, including on here, are feeling anxious and sad the same way you are. It's good to hear that you have hope for the future. For some people, just knowing that things could get better is what they need to get them through the bad times.

I know you said you've never told anyone how you're truly feeling, but have you considered talking to a therapist? It might seem scary at first, but some people find it really beneficial to talk to someone who is completely objective and can come up with a plan to help them. Would you consider doing this?

Hope you feel better soon,
-Kathleen

Siena

Hey

I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through and still going through.

I'm not really sure what to say
But just by reading and the fact you care about others education you are lovely and have a kind heart. Keeping yhis all to yourself shows just how strong you are but can make things even harder. You desrve love and support. I'm pleasured to read you still see the good in things & enjoy your job and have hope. And with that outlook im sure achieve what you want and find self love - that everyone desrves. But dont beat yourself up about getting angry, it happens. Hope you're feeling better today

take care

Former Member

Hey liax,

First of all, well done for posting all of this on the forum! This is often the first step to finding help or working to overcome certain problems. We're really sorry to hear about what happened with your dad. All of these experiences which you've had with people from your school are so so common in high school and unfortunately at that age self-esteem commonly drops because a lot of people make fun of others and develop insecurities within them. You are at the age where you are constantly changing and your beliefs, morals etc are all developing more and more. Most teenagers go through exactly what you are and anxiety is much more common than people believe. People just don't often speak about it. It is often a slow process but gaining self-esteem becomes easier as you get older and surround yourself by people with similar interests and morals/beliefs etc... It's so good that you did what you felt was right in terms of a career path and it's lovely to hear that you're enjoying that and it makes you happy.

In terms of what you said about bottling a lot of things up about your father, as someone previously mentioned, it could be good to visit a therapist or a counsellor to talk to! They are there to help you and are trained with many things like bereavement. Bottling up feelings and acting as if you are okay is very common too and it's something which people naturally gravitate towards when they are upset. The little argument you had with your mum is something which lots of families go through and often not something to worry too much about! I know personally how many mini arguments I've had with parents and it all eventually is looked over. It may just be a case of that particular day being a bit difficult and often things get blown out of proportion!

Hope this helps and speak soon!

Drea

Former Member

Hi Lia,

I'm 24 which probably seems really old but I feel like not much has changed from when I was 16 except having more experiences. My Dad killed himself just over a year ago and seeing your post made me create this account so I could post to you as I could relate to so much of what you were saying and thought it might help to share some of the similarities between our situations and how I've been trying to cope and deal with them. Going through high school is hard enough and plenty to deal with without your Dad dying and in the way he did and it can all feel really overwhelming.

So one of the things I can really relate to is you arguing with your mum. I don't know if you have any siblings as they can be helpful buffers at times but with my situation my two sisters have already moved out of home and my brother is away at uni so it's mostly just me and Mum and we fight all the time. I find Mum is constantly feeling a lot of guilt and blame that she is putting on herself as well as suddenly becoming a single parent and it all is too much for her to feel like she can help me too. I think the hardest part is that she feels bad for not being there but also feels so let down and abandoned by my dad that she feels like it shouldn't be her fault or responsibility to deal with everything I'm going through on top of her own griefs, stresses and general upset. When I get mad at her I just try to remember how much she's hurting and take myself away before I say anything to make things worse and if Mum drives off and away from the house I either go to a friends' house or call a friend and vent to them which sometimes helps me feel less alone. It's really important to try and see if there are friends you can trust at times like that when you feel your family aren't there for you because they're in so deep with their own emotions.

If you feel like you don't have a friend who you trust as much as that - let me tell you about a good replacement for that. I have been having counselling with Cruse (https://www.cruse.org.uk) and would seriously recommend checking it out. I have a counsellor come to my house every week for an hour and it just really helps me feel like there's someone in my corner who listens without judgement and it allows me to process my grief in a way which doesn't leave me destroyed emotionally. You control the sessions so they don't ask you horrible questions or anything like that - it's just an outlet and someone to talk to. Plus - it's absolutely free so you don't have to worry about your family paying for it. If you feel like you aren't ready for that yet you can call their helpline which is open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with extended hours on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when they're open until 8pm. The number is 0808 808 1677.

Finally, the way you feel with your people at school sounds a lot like Social Anxiety - this is something I'm experiencing at the moment big time and has been bad since my dad died. I purposely avoid big groups and things I used to enjoy before my dad died because I have a crippling feeling of nervousness and the feeling like I'm scared to see anyone in case they ask about my dad or treat me differently because of it. As I started missing more and more social events this feeling snowballed and I thought no one wanted to see me anyway and was worried about not being the person who I was before my dad died and that maybe they'd want to hang out with me less because of that. Whenever I've spoken to my friends about feeling this way they assure me it's not true but it's a hard feeling to shake. I'm going to the doctors today about it (something my counsellor has suggested I do for a while) to see how I can best move through it and although I don't want to take any medication, there are other ways to treat those feelings like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (way less scary than it sounds but don't want to overwhelm you with information!) and counselling etc. Take a look at this page http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/anxiety/pages/introduction.aspx and see if any of it sounds like you and, if it does, take a trip to your GP and they might be able to help you.

There's a lot here so I'm going to leave it there but feel free to message me if you want to talk more. Know there are always people that love you and are looking out for you, even if it doesn't always feel like it. They probably don't even know how much you're struggling with everything so it's really important that you tell those that you love and trust so they can look out for you and help you.

Hope you're feeling a bit better or at least less alone.

Victoria

Former Member

Oh and I love music and two things that I've related to which you might enjoy too:

1. The song 'Woman' by Leddra Chapman

2. The musical 'Dear Evan Hansen' - it's on spotify and youtube