dispair & distress

Former Member

I'm hoping that someone can help me with my current situation thats causing me a lot of pain and distress. I'm a 23 year old guy who was born and raised in Sheffield, England at the age of 16 I moved to Canada with my Mum & Dad. A year or so later I met a girl and fell for her, her name is Kelsey and she is my age. Me & Kelsey always had a special bond and although some times were very rocky we always seemed to come through them together. In 2015 my parents retired and moved back to Sheffield, I and Kelsey followed them (she took a semester abroad and I landed an internship). Over time Kelsey became homesick and decided she had to be in Canada and a month after that I did too. I followed after her and we continued our beautiful love story.

Fast forward to March 2017, we're living together in an apartment in Toronto, Canada. I had a 9-5 job in my field that I didn't enjoy and she was working as a waitress to pay some bills while she applied for her next round of post grad at uni. I started to become homesick and lonely because our schedules didn't match up, I would come home around 6 and she would have just started work and she wouldn't finish until 2-3am. I conveyed this to my parents and to Kelsey on many occasions. My parents said if I wanted to I should come home and Kelsey said we should move out of our apartment so she would be closer to other new opportunities in her field (neither of us wanted to live in it any longer anyway). I wasn't too excited about moving because I thought it would be really expensive and I would have to take public transit to work which was expensive and inconvenient plus I didn't know if I could be in Canada any more. One week when I was feeling particularly fed up at work and lonely at the apartment I told my parents that I wanted to move back home. They leapt at the chance to have their only son back in their everyday lives. So the wheels started turning and before I knew it I was talking to Kelsey about how I wanted to go back home because I was homesick and I missed my parents and old surroundings. She was amazingly understanding and supportive having gone through this herself two years before. She asked me the difficult questions "is it because I work late and our schedules conflict?" I answered "No it wasn't" in an attempt to protect her from any guilt. So although we were still madly in love and we were crazy about each other I boarded the plane and flew home. We agreed long distance wouldn't work but we would continue to talk and stay in touch because we both felt like this wasn't done.

Fast forward to now: the 12th of June 2017. I am home, I am heart broken and miserable. My parents and friends are offering me oceans of support but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I've made a huge mistake. The girl I've loved for 7 years is half the world away. A week after crying my eyes out and feeling like I'm alone I Skyped with her and told her I wanted to come back. I wanted to be with her. I wanted everything to be the same. I wanted to love her like I do. She broke down and said "I love you, I want to be with you but I can't be right now. You've only been one a week and if you come back to Canada it should be forever. You can't be sure yet, you're not being rational. You have to be sure thats what you want. If you come back right now I can't be with you. Everything has changed". I can't argue with what she's saying but I am certain and that is what I want. I know she needs time because she is hurt and she wants me to be sure, but I am sure. I know thats what I want. I can't carry on without her. I have a massive fear that in the time she needs to heal and believe that I've given England a fair chance she will find someone new. And if she did I couldn't be mad at her, she has every right to be happy. I want her to be happy. This is all my fault.

Sorry for the long winded story and grammatical errors

I really need some advice

Former Member

Hi jj231,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Heartbreak can be incredibly difficult to get through, particularly when the relationship has been through as many ups and downs as you and your girlfriend seem to have been through. But you shouldn't blame yourself for all of this. Sometimes we can't control what happens in life, and sometimes people make decisions that feel right in one moment and wrong in the next one.

You seem to have some conflicting emotions about whether you want to get back together with Kelsey. It sounded as though you were quite unhappy with how things were going in when you two lived in Canada, but you also said that you want everything to be the same. Are you saying that you would be okay with having the schedules you had before if you could still be together? For some people, it can be good to take some time to think about what they really want out of a relationship, and whether or not their partner can give them those things. Some people find that writing out important discussions like this can help them think deeper about the issue and come up with the best solution. Do you think this would be helpful? It may seem hard right now, but taking the time to reflect on what you want and need could end up being very beneficial in the long run.

-Kathleen

Former Member

At this moment in time I would go back to the conflicting schedules if it meant I would be with her. I really appreciate your advice, all I've gotten so far from friends and family has been "you'll be fine" "time heals all". As much as I appreciate others trying to look after me I'm not absorbing their opinions which seem brash anyway. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to be with Kelsey and I want to reconnect with her. I feel that the time I've already spent apart from her has changed me into a better more understanding partner. I see all of what I could have done to make us happier.

What do you think her mindset is? She told me she can't be with me if I come back right now because she feels like I haven't given England a good go yet. She also said she loves me and wants to be with me but then called me unrational. Does she need time? Should I wait and see if she wants me back?

Thank you Kathleen!

Former Member

It seems like you really know what you want, which can be good when communicating with your partner. You've expressed your wants and needs quite well here, and that could be helpful when discussing how you are feeling with Kelsey. Do you feel you can talk about some of the things you've written here when you talk to her?

As far as Kelsey's mindset, it's difficult for me to say as I'm not too sure how she's feeling. What do you feel her mindset is?

Every relationship is different and for some people what works for them might not work for others, and that's okay. For some people, time can be an important factor in relationships as it can give their partner time to think things through. What has been your interpretation of what she said to you recently? You mentioned that she wants you to spend more time in England before making a decision. Would you be okay with doing that?

-Kathleen

Former Member

I think I forgot to mention that I flew out on the 1st of July so I've only been apart form her for 12 days. Sorry about the giant oversight.

The Skype call I had with her was less than a week ago. I hadn't been away from her for a full week at that time when I expressed to her that I wanted to be with her and that I had made a huge mistake. I can't stop the feeling, its too much to bare. You can only put on a brave face for so many hours of the day. So now that you know that I recently spoke with her and told her most of what I mentioned does that change anything? I said everything I typed here. She held strong kept saying that she loved me but she couldn't be with me right now. She said that I wasn't happy and that this is what I said I wanted. She said if you come back here its for good. You can't do this again. I don't think she believes that I am totally sure or that I am feeling as heartbroken as I am.

I think her mindset is probably something along the lines of: I love him, he needs to be home (in the UK) where his family is, he will be ok. I have to be strong. This will hurt but I will be ok. One day we will get back together but I'm not sure when. I don't want him back now because he may suddenly change his mind and flip flops back there, this hurt too bad to do that again.

I would be ok with giving England a better "go" (something that I'm currently trying to do) if thats what she needs me to do, but I'd need to know that there was still a chance of us being together. I feel that at this point that I am just waiting for her to be ready for me. But thats not healthy because she may very well never want me back, she may move on completely.

Thanks again Kathleen! You're really helping me.

Former Member

It sounds as if both of you are looking for some sort of confirmation that your relationship is serious enough to warrant getting back together. Does that sound right? Communication can be one of the most important parts of a successful relationship and some people can find it hard to be 100% honest about how they are feeling because they are unsure of how their partner will react. Do you think that the two of you are being completely truthful, or are there issues/fears that you aren't sharing?

If she is saying that you taking some time in England is important to her, that may be something you could consider. Long distance relationships can be quite hard and we have an article here, if you think that would be helpful. It has a good section on what to with your time apart.

Find your feet: Starting life as a student or in a new job is a bit like visiting a new planet. Why? Because everything seems alien to begin with, not just your surroundings but the people too. It’s especially tough when your other half isn’t with you, but it’s vital that you make an effort to find your feet. Only then will you establish a life outside of your relationship – which is vital if this romance is going to survive.
Find your friends: Tempting as it may be to stay inside and pine for your other half, do make an effort to meet new people. You can’t expect to know everyone immediately, so set your sights on making friends with just one or two people and build from there. If they’re also new, then chances are you’ll find they’re going through exactly the same experience.

This may relate to what Kelsey is saying about giving England a fair chance. If you decide to be together but take some time to be apart physically, it may be beneficial to focus on other things. Some people in long distance relationships try to throw themselves into work or social groups so they don't spend all of their time thinking about their partner. Do you think this is a possibility for you?

-Kathleen