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Fallen for someone I hardly knew but struggling

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys many of you are aware of my story. But for as this thread is baced around that I might as well say it in short.

So last September I was at college and went to the park. A girl in my class was being sexually harassed by two older men. I stepped in and told them to leave her alone. Asked her if she was ok and then we went back to class. I walked home that night and the two men followed me and raped me.

I went though all the gender shit of guys can't be raped and everything but they are now are now serving a 10 year sentence due to the rape past history of sexual offences.
The girl they harassed was obviously involved with the case.

I'm still in counselling (non NHS) and am on the NHS list too so yeah.
Anyway me and the girl in my class have become quite close considering I never actually knew her. She was just a girl in my class. She asked me out last month and I have said yes. But I'm still struggling with physical contact. I don't mean to but I can't help it we go for a hug and sometimes it just sends me straight back. She said it's ok but I feel it's un fair on her really. Her dad didn't know what had happened and didn't particularly like me at first as he thought I was too much of a wimp :/ and although this was before he knew what happened and the fact he said I probably stopped it from happening to his daughter (his words exactly) it's still hurts a bit that he called me too wimpy and I presume he thinks like that because I get uncomfortable with physical contact.

I'm I being fair to my girlfriend?? I don't want her to feel like I don't like her because although I didn't even know anything about her back then I love her now.
I also don't want to drag her down with me. I know she was a bit jittery after the harassment for a few weeks it really shook her up.

It just doesn't seem fair to her, I feel as if shes my protector when I want to be her protector. what would you guys do?


  • AifeAife LondonCommunity Manager Posts: 2,646 Boards Champion
    Hey I am Sam,

    I just wanted to say how brave you are for reaching out to the boards for support. It sounds like you've been through so much, so this is such a great step you're taking to talk about what you're going through and how you're feeling.

    You mentioned that your girlfriend asked you out last month and that you're still struggling with physical contact. What you've been through sounds so difficult, and it's okay for things to take time. It's important is to be patient with yourself, time is a great healer and it may take time before you feel comfortable with physical contact. What can be helpful is to take some time to build trust with her and only take things further when you feel ready.

    Communication can also be really important. Have you spoken to her about how you're feeling? How do you feel she can best support you?

    - Aife
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Aife, She seems really understanding about it and keeps telling me its ok and to take my time. I know it doesn't matter now but I do wonder would they have hurt her if I hadn't stepped in? And while I'm glad I stopped them doing what they were doing I do wonder what if that was why the raped me. My counsellor and Rob who I spoke to on my other thread have said I shouldn't think like that as it may of just happened anyway even if I wasn't there that morning.

    Its really annoying I want to love her and cuddle her and stuff but it's like there is an uncontrollable feeling of panic when we do get close.

    It really doesn't help when her dad keeps on about "it could have been younis Sam didn't come" I get what he means but it reinforces that begitive feeling that it was my fault and that leads me to feel guilty over again. He only found out a few weeks after we got together as he works away sometimes and wasn't here when the events took place.

    Im not even sure if any of that made sense but just needed to get it out there


  • SiobhanSiobhan Posts: 14,447 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix

    I'm really sorry to read that this happened to you. :(
    Felt like i needed to say - i think your counsellor is right.
    And it shouldn't happen at all and you didn't do anything to cause it. But you was very Brave to do what you did and to step in (clearly not a whimp) and to go through what happened. They was the ones who did something horrible. They have Complete control of their actions on things like that. They made that desicion by themselves - not you. And have nothing to feel guilty for. But i also think it's understandable you may still feel panicy.

    So im glad to hear your girlfriend is so understanding. And really do hope you start feeling more comfortable soon after taking things at your own.pase

    Take care of yourself
    “ i think that deep down you still think life is worth living. It’s no where near over for you. You’re in pain. The thing you lost, Is the same thing that can stop that pain”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Sam,

    What type of therapy are you undertaking with your counsellor? Is it talking therapy? Or something more trauma focused like trauma focused cbt or Emdr therapy? I found the trauma focused stuff really helpful for the anxiety related symptoms I was experiencing - it could be worth you exploring.

    As Shaunie says, the people who raped you were fully in control of their actions and the blame lies solely at their feet. You did a good thing by stepping in to save someone else, and you should be proud of yourself.

    Can you or your girlfriend talk to her father and perhaps explain the challenges he's causing with what he's saying?

    How close have you been able to get with your girlfriend? Can you hold hands without panicking? Cuddle? Kiss? Are those things okay but when you start to go further panic rises? Some form of baby-step exposure might help, where you challenge your panic by going a little further than you had before and staying with it and showing yourself that it's okay and that there aren't any bad things going to happen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi guys things have been getting easier now
    We are talking more about it and finding where my boundaries are right now
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