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I can't go on living like this .....(Mental Health so unstable)
Former Member
:)Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
The title says it all- I honestly can't go on living my life like this. What I mean is currently my mental health is so unstable, I have EUPD (also called Borderline PD) and I am constantly having massive mood swings- to depressed/sad/hopeless states. This is turning into a daily battle for me- yes I can have some good days, but I can't recall a month in past year- 2 years I haven't went to that "bad" state, almost always is a weekly thing, and right now its a daily battle for me....
With the mood issues, comes the frequent crises- I wont go into detail as that may be triggering for some- but I'm sure you will get the just of what a "mental health crises" is. Basically my breakdowns in severity and frequency just keep getting worse and worse.
The crises, breakdowns, bad episodes, depressed states (whatever you may call that all)- they are taking over my life in itself- a big part of my life is trying to tackle these horrible things- but I don't like the word tackle, as it sounds like I am "getting over them"- when I am not. In themselves these issues are hard to deal with, but I would say its compromising my "quality of life" (not comparing myself to those with chronic medical conditions by the way, just the only way I can explain how I feel/what I experience).
If reading this I bet your thinking about "mental health recovery"............ truthfully I don't feel I can gain it. Yes many people with mental health issues including EUPD "recover", I know its hard etc.... but I see so many faults with me, that could stop "recovery" or even gaining a better quality of life:
I do confide in professionals, but I don't really have a "home" support network- I live with my parents and they don't know I am struggling (yes they knew I "did", its so complicated as issues with my parents , as in horrible things mum has said to me in the past still haunt me- theres so many compications and I feel it's worse telling them). Thing is though everyone speaks of family support in recovery and I don't feel I can ever have that.
You may say well "you can recover without other people Amanda" and I say technically it's possible BUT I am not coping handling this on my own. Yes I have mental health team, but they are the only people I can offload to at all- and EVERYONE (don't like generalising, but majority of people- EVEN WITHOUT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES as such) needs someone to vent to- I don't have that (in home life) so like how can I do this!
Then there's my instability, I try things and I wreck everything I make progress in and go around in circles ..........it sucks so much!
Oh and then I am constantly having to hide my issues by:
1) Binning my prescription boxes in public bins
2) If my mums off when I have an appointment, lie about meeting friends
3) When I feel bad, I sometimes say I'm going to the library to my parents but when I have bad intentions
4) Lying to my parents about being "okay" or "good" when I am not
5) A few times my parents have caught me crying, walking in my room unexpectadly, I am crying due to these intense feelings of depression, hopelessness and despair BUT to avoid suspicion I lie about being stressed by exams or uni or something - to cover up the real truth
6) I told my parents I don't want to drive, as if I say I want to drive in the future but not now, they try and convince me, and they keep moaning about me cause I did loads of driving lessons when I turned 17 and almost passed my test on two occasions (apart from in the moment mistakes that I failed due to) and I even passed my theory test too- BUT DVLA have revoked me. I hadn't even been driving for over a year but I worried so much about getting into trouble for driving as my parents were pushing me and even by the fact I still technically had a "provisional license"- so much I decided to ask DVLA and that led to me being revoked by medical team. I know it doesn't mean it's forever but even yesterday parents moaning about me not driving and stuff and I have to pretend I don't care and that's not the truth (yes I am happy not to drive right now, but doesn't mean if I was to get stable I couldn't ever) BUT THE PROBLEM IS....hiding it from them, they don't know I'm revoked.
I was particularly cautious as I heard about all that stuff that happened near me ..... so think it was about a year ago, in the news this guy with medical problems that he should've informed DVLA didn't.....that resulted in him whilst working as a bin lorry driver, I think he passed out behind wheel, and he drove along the pavement in George Square in Glasgow, and there was a massive incident in it all on the news etc. Anyways think that made me freak out more about the DVLA not knowing about my stuff. It is quite close to home too as although I don't live in the busy city area of glasgow (rather a small town just outside it), I also pass their almost every day where the incident happened (my uni is just down the road from it). Anyways off topic but what I mean is think DVLA are even more stingy after that, and it kinda is what made me consider "declaring" EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T DRIVEN IN AGES!
AND OVERALL IM TIERD OF HIDING, I WANT TO BE FREEEEE!!!!!!
- I keep having fantasies of not caring and posting on facebook- I have EUPD, I struggle with my mental health etc
- I hate stigma
- truthfully im more concerned about my parents knowing than anyone else
One night I got sick of it, I know this is random but go eyeliner and starting writing "#BPD" on my face (i know its a bit weird but it felt great feeling like I was risking parents walking in, yet it was a good way to express myself.
But my parents don't get mental health so what the heck is the point ......
I just want to stop all this horrible hiding and stuff I hate it so MUCH!!!!
Anyways.....I am struggling so much, even the CPNs at the CMHT dont get it, the other day she told me:
I don't know why you are feeling this way as you have family, friends, are a uni student and started swimming !!!
Ugh I feel totally "MISUNDERSTOOD"
Well for one thing this has been a good vent, but at same time doesn't change (sorry I went off topic on a rant earlier) the fact.....
This is no life!
With the mood issues, comes the frequent crises- I wont go into detail as that may be triggering for some- but I'm sure you will get the just of what a "mental health crises" is. Basically my breakdowns in severity and frequency just keep getting worse and worse.
The crises, breakdowns, bad episodes, depressed states (whatever you may call that all)- they are taking over my life in itself- a big part of my life is trying to tackle these horrible things- but I don't like the word tackle, as it sounds like I am "getting over them"- when I am not. In themselves these issues are hard to deal with, but I would say its compromising my "quality of life" (not comparing myself to those with chronic medical conditions by the way, just the only way I can explain how I feel/what I experience).
If reading this I bet your thinking about "mental health recovery"............ truthfully I don't feel I can gain it. Yes many people with mental health issues including EUPD "recover", I know its hard etc.... but I see so many faults with me, that could stop "recovery" or even gaining a better quality of life:
I do confide in professionals, but I don't really have a "home" support network- I live with my parents and they don't know I am struggling (yes they knew I "did", its so complicated as issues with my parents , as in horrible things mum has said to me in the past still haunt me- theres so many compications and I feel it's worse telling them). Thing is though everyone speaks of family support in recovery and I don't feel I can ever have that.
You may say well "you can recover without other people Amanda" and I say technically it's possible BUT I am not coping handling this on my own. Yes I have mental health team, but they are the only people I can offload to at all- and EVERYONE (don't like generalising, but majority of people- EVEN WITHOUT MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES as such) needs someone to vent to- I don't have that (in home life) so like how can I do this!
Then there's my instability, I try things and I wreck everything I make progress in and go around in circles ..........it sucks so much!
Oh and then I am constantly having to hide my issues by:
1) Binning my prescription boxes in public bins
2) If my mums off when I have an appointment, lie about meeting friends
3) When I feel bad, I sometimes say I'm going to the library to my parents but when I have bad intentions
4) Lying to my parents about being "okay" or "good" when I am not
5) A few times my parents have caught me crying, walking in my room unexpectadly, I am crying due to these intense feelings of depression, hopelessness and despair BUT to avoid suspicion I lie about being stressed by exams or uni or something - to cover up the real truth
6) I told my parents I don't want to drive, as if I say I want to drive in the future but not now, they try and convince me, and they keep moaning about me cause I did loads of driving lessons when I turned 17 and almost passed my test on two occasions (apart from in the moment mistakes that I failed due to) and I even passed my theory test too- BUT DVLA have revoked me. I hadn't even been driving for over a year but I worried so much about getting into trouble for driving as my parents were pushing me and even by the fact I still technically had a "provisional license"- so much I decided to ask DVLA and that led to me being revoked by medical team. I know it doesn't mean it's forever but even yesterday parents moaning about me not driving and stuff and I have to pretend I don't care and that's not the truth (yes I am happy not to drive right now, but doesn't mean if I was to get stable I couldn't ever) BUT THE PROBLEM IS....hiding it from them, they don't know I'm revoked.
I was particularly cautious as I heard about all that stuff that happened near me ..... so think it was about a year ago, in the news this guy with medical problems that he should've informed DVLA didn't.....that resulted in him whilst working as a bin lorry driver, I think he passed out behind wheel, and he drove along the pavement in George Square in Glasgow, and there was a massive incident in it all on the news etc. Anyways think that made me freak out more about the DVLA not knowing about my stuff. It is quite close to home too as although I don't live in the busy city area of glasgow (rather a small town just outside it), I also pass their almost every day where the incident happened (my uni is just down the road from it). Anyways off topic but what I mean is think DVLA are even more stingy after that, and it kinda is what made me consider "declaring" EVEN THOUGH I HADN'T DRIVEN IN AGES!
AND OVERALL IM TIERD OF HIDING, I WANT TO BE FREEEEE!!!!!!
- I keep having fantasies of not caring and posting on facebook- I have EUPD, I struggle with my mental health etc
- I hate stigma
- truthfully im more concerned about my parents knowing than anyone else
One night I got sick of it, I know this is random but go eyeliner and starting writing "#BPD" on my face (i know its a bit weird but it felt great feeling like I was risking parents walking in, yet it was a good way to express myself.
But my parents don't get mental health so what the heck is the point ......
I just want to stop all this horrible hiding and stuff I hate it so MUCH!!!!Anyways.....I am struggling so much, even the CPNs at the CMHT dont get it, the other day she told me:
I don't know why you are feeling this way as you have family, friends, are a uni student and started swimming !!!
Ugh I feel totally "MISUNDERSTOOD"
Well for one thing this has been a good vent, but at same time doesn't change (sorry I went off topic on a rant earlier) the fact.....
This is no life!
0
Comments
That sounds like an awful lot to go through, especially when you feel like you're on your own. Living with a personality disorder is very hard because it's so complex and intertwined with experiences and beliefs of your own. I get the whole progress thing, if it isn't BPD or external factors trying to mess things up, it's the self sabotage and most times it something that we're not always aware of, I can vouch for that lmao
You're keeping all of this distress to yourself and I can see that's it's taking a toll. The biggest factor of your distress is the fact that you don't feel that you have a support network outside of mental health services and you're keeping this big secret that's eating you. I know you've mentioned that your parents are people that you feel that you can't confide in and that sounds really difficult to deal with, it puts you in a hard position. It must feel very isolating.
I think learning how to talk about your illness is a good place to start and maybe getting involved with mental health charities/events. Guess what, mental health awareness week is coming up, this could be your chance for that FB status
I guess there are a few options here, that you could do to lessen the distress you're experiencing. But first you're going to have to put your big girl pants on ( I have a pair figuratively speaking lmao)
-Tell your parents in a less direct way (leaflet about BPD) or just sit them both down and tell them you haven't been very well in a letter or face to face.
-Be completely honest with the services about how bad things are, regardless of the out come may be.
-Get involved with events/charities in raising awareness of mental health to get you comfortable about talking about it more.
Again you don't need to do any of theses things but here are a few solutions to the problems, and by no means am I saying that they are easy because they might be some of the hardest decisions you will ever make, but decisions well worth it. Recovery doesn't mean that you're going to wake up and be 100% and doing back flips. It just means having more days where it's peaceful in your head and time to notice the small things.You're mind is a very powerful tool, don't let it set you up for failure before you've even tried. The world is your oyster, go grab it with all your mightyness...omfg idk what I just said, I need to stop hahaha
Amanda you will always have people out there that understand and accept you for the way that you are.
You know that you are always welcome here at the mix.
From a big (borderline) sis
V
I agree completely with notagain. It's sad to read you feel so hopeless. I completely understand most of what you have written. It's a shame you feel you dont have any support outside of mental health team. And understandable you need someone to vent to. You can use this space.
Have you had any therapy like DBT? I dont know many coping skills but maybe writingtyourr thoughts down. I was glad to read on your other post swimming is something you enjoy. My care co ordinator made me try and do the exact same thing but gave up with it. Really great you found that. And maybe things like that you could start to try and notice about your self, the positive things you are doing and trying. And less on yhe negatives
As for you family, it's understandable it can feel you let you down. I have EUPD too and my family thought wtf, and literally said - it's just in you're head you can control your mind. -- And if you ever find the courage to tell them and seek their support. It's ok they may not completely understand you cause EUPD is quite complex but just try and seek their help and I know it may seem forced but they don't have to completely understand you but just be there . My family dont understand me but I feel like they care and are just aware of it makes me feel like i have some support. Instead it being completely hidden. Or lying about it . You didn't chose to have it.
The stigma behind mental health js horrible. I used to go to therapy that was in a mental health hospital next the main hospital and I would get so pariond for anyone to see me and would walk really quickly. But now i dont really care.
-People don't nessically need to know your health issues because it's not just who you are but- you really dont need to hide it at all. And should be able to talk about it freely when you want.
It's also BPD awareness month:)
Hope that makes sense and helped in some way.
Hope today is a better day for you! Like Shaunie said, it may be good to write down your thoughts and if you're finding it difficult to talk to your parents you could start with maybe drafting a letter provided you're comfortable doing that. It may seem like your parents don't care, but often people rethink their opinions when they're faced with someone that is close to them suffering from something they didn't really understand much. As for the stigma related to mental illness I completely agree. I study Psychology at university and if there is one good thing I can say is that recently so many people are becoming more and more aware of mental illness and the attention it is getting to reduce stigma is really helpful. The Royal Family being so involved too is so helpful because many older generations don't quite understand mental illness as much as the younger generations do, so the fact that it is being brought up so much is so good for destigmatisation!
It is completely your choice what you decide to do and we are all here to support you! See how you feel about writing a draft letter and if you're stuck you can ask for advice on these forums (as long as that's something you're comfortable with - it is understandably very personal)!
Speak soon!
Drea