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Scared to recover

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
Hi!

I'm recently new to 'The Mix' so hopefully I am doing everything correctly. Earlier this year I recently got diagnosed with depression and anxiety which I have been suffering from for a long while without even knowing that's what I was suffering from. I feel like I don't even have a life anymore. I don't have any friends, I'm too unwell to attend school at the moment so I have to resit the year, I'm constantly scared/anxious to step outside my house. I don't really see a point to life a lot of the time and I don't have the motivation or capability within myself to try and do something. All it ends up doing is making me feel worthless and completely hopeless.

I'm currently having CBT but I'm starting to realise that I'm scared to recover. I have forgotten what it's like to feel happy and mean it. I'm used to copying with my emotions by self-harming, constantly thinking about death and feeling completely numb. That's who I kind have become and it's familiar to me to feel this way. I'm confused as to whether this at all normal because don't people want to be happy? I'm scared to become happy and that makes me feel completely strange and different. When I thought my life was happy and I felt that way, I obviously wasn't! It makes me think I'll never know what happiness or love is, what it feels like.

I hope this makes at all sense, it's really hard to write about it so I'm probably making no sense and being a complete idiot in trying to explain, sorry.

Firefly1021:heart:

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,496 Skive's The Limit
    Welcome.
    Just wanted to say this makes complete sense to me and Im not sure if it's normal but felt similar. And I was scared to try to recover from how i felt and thought maybe I'd miss feeling sad because it's such a strong and powerful feeling. But it's not a way you want to live your life and being happy will be so much better then in emotion pain and is what you deserve to feel.

    And taking each day of recovery by it's self and will start seeing a difference eventually and will find other ways of how to cope instead of harming. Because it wont happen in one day . And will ve gradual so wont feel to scarey. Glad you're taking the CBT, great step.
    I hope that helps and i make sense as well. :)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you so much for your reply! It's nice to know that someone feels similarly about what I am experiencing. I can start to see gradual changes but obviously recovery doesn't go in a straight line and life constantly feels like I am on a never ending roller coaster which I guess just makes me feel even more low. I seem to hate having a good day because even though I don't feel happy, it just feels like life is teasing me. Like life is giving me a little sample of what it feels to not want to cry every moment of the day but then it's all taken away and I feel ten times worse. However, it feels more familiar when I feel depressed and suicidal. It sounds terrible but it feels more like a 'normal' environment than when I feel 'okay'.

    Firefly1021:heart:
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    independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,615 Legendary Poster
    Hi there,

    Welcome to the boards. You're absolutely doing it right (there's no wrong way to post) :)

    I'm not sure if it's a normal feeling, but it's certainly a common one. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way too, and well done for reaching out for support with it. Shaunie's right, you do deserve to feel happy and do take each day as it comes x
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As you know from me, you are not alone in this. I know how you feel about being scared to be happy - but soon things will get better and it will come naturally, and you won't have that fear anymore.
    <3
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