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Suffocated

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
This may sound like nothing and a first world problem and ungrateful . But i feel really suffocated by everyone. I feel like they are constantly in my face. And i need my personal space. Mostly my sister I feel like i can't do anything without them knowing. I feel controlled. I have no appointments til DBT. So i cant even use that as excuse to go out and my sister is friends with my friends so would come- if i said that where im going. If i say im going just for a walk they will follow Incas it to stock up on pills.
I work at the same place as my sister and we are studying the same thing in college and in the same class!

I can't even stay in bed for a while without being dragged out. I can't even go on my phone for to long because it's called un socialable. And then instead I'm forced to watch things i don't want to watch with them. I hte films right now. I dont have the concentration. I should be able to make descison on whether i want to blankly stared at the screen or do somethint else. If im out to long after an appointment my sister rings me and asks when im back.
I've damaged my esophagus and I'm on anti biotics. So i can't even go toilet without someone being concerned of my where abouts. But my eating and all that is fine now. I dont want surgery. I have no privacy. Yet i was frustrated and thought no one cared the other day and now im seeing they do - it's annoying. I think personal space and privacy is really importan. And i feel like im being controlled. And that feeling leads me wanting to restrict.

In a way it makes me suicidal because i just want to get away from people and be on my own for once. And feels like the only way. I just want to be by myself. And its making me so moody and miserable. I just feel like getting a taxi late at night and going anyway away from everyone and everything and living somewhere and starting a new life. Unrealistic with tenner to my name though.

Help:( I feel at los end. Does anyone else feel like people are to much sometimes? Or how you spend time by yourself if you do? Should this even affect me? Or i should be grateful people care And Any advice would be great.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you aidan I'm glad it's not so bad for you now. Hopefully they will trust me soon enough to.

    Ptw:
    I'm not good right now all of sudden. - Im a waste of oxygen and i should just kill myself and it's been finally approved without any prompt. No one has ever told me anything so hurtful or abusive.
    I want to die
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I cant tell if im this angry upset person or this stable happyish person. Or none. I dont know but i know I hate myself. One minute im dismissing and rejecting everyone then feeling rejected.

    My life is fine. Nothing's going to change now . I'm not being abuse nothing. What am i even expecting to change. I expect to much of life and if i can't ever be happy - no matter what . i don't want to ever be here.

    Yes -My family would be upset but they also dont know what good for them. In the long run. I'm bringing everyone down with me. They don't deserve that. Or to see me like this.

    I say I want to help people and i think the only way I'm going to do that is not being here. People will be able to carry on with their lives without me weighing them down.

    As stupid as this sounds i feel like there's a certain percentage who are officially diagnosised with anorexia and BPD die and i can lower that rate for other people by dying My self. I know it doesn't exactly work like that - so i dony kbow why I'm thinking it.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Fml really sorry. I rant a lot don't bother. Never realise how much i wrote til the end


    My family took my to hosptial because i was asking them to take me abroad where euthanasia is ok. I'm fucking disgusting and thoughtless.

    My therapy finished Tuesday and it was more upsetting then i was imagining and I wouldnt say we left on bad terms but i feel like we did and feels like it didn't end properly . Just bit of disagreement but i agree with him now.
    Because he was saying things and drawing cycles of my behaviour and thoughts one being - I'm looking for perfect. I thought great you're saying I'm looking for attention by harming myself. And dismissed his explanation. That I've had years to cope wirh my own emotions without assistance of my parents. And that is what is on the survival hierarchy. And now I seek help by self harming and said it's perfectly ok. But i feel like I'll forever not be able to cope with my feelings by myself or how to express my feeling. And constantly need reassurance and assistance

    I've self harmed again but I dont want to tell anyone and I'm not sure why and want to leave it to faite.

    And ill be using this far less because i am going to cope on my own. Thank you Adian.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Shaunie your non of them things you are strong and can get though this m.

    Do you want to get more support again could this be why you want to leave it until you fainte?
    stay strong how you feeling at the moment?

    This does get better I promise
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Charlotte I feel so much better now. I'm gunna do some retail therpay now:)
    Sorry.
    And ah i meant ill leave it to fate. Like just let it decide it's self cause I didn't want to be alive but i didn't want to die either
    And i will be fine now, i made myself be ill. I coildnt go hospital cause they nearly sectioned be last night.
    Themix- please could you delete my replies to this original post. Thanks :) sorry
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    I am glad you are feeling a little better now retail therapy can always help hope you have a nice time
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I can't take this. I want to be more independent. My sister is in my face constantly like get the fuck off of me. She's failing her course because i am and feels like she can't do it her self. She starts doing her work when i do. Like be fucking independent you fucking prick. Face is annoying me. Take the fuckinh hint when i tell you to leave me the fuck alone I need to leave and go somewhere I literally feel like I don't have my own space for breathing rn. I'm in college and the stress is to much. I'm more stressed she's failing because of me.then the fact i have shit load of work

    We're twins but not fucking conjoined twins
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Are you able to sit down and try and talk to her and explain that you need some space for yourself or is there anyway you can go and stay with a friend or family member so you would be able to have a break for a bit?
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,
    Are you feeling any better? Have you tried talking to your family and telling them that you do still need your personal space etc etc... You're definitely not a waste of space and you help a lot of people on these forums too! We've noticed how helpful you are to a lot of other people and we are definitely grateful to have you here! You have our full support and if you need anyone to talk to we're all here! Just remember all the times you said you were feeling better and remember that these feelings are often temporary!

    Drea:heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Charlotte and Drea:)

    I've tried speaking to them but they don't dee where im coming from. But i think how I feel is reasonable? And seems like nothing to them so they dont change.

    I tried speaking to ny sister a while ago but she blamed me for her failing:( and i just feel guilty. As soon as I've finished college today I'm going home and applying for jobs.

    I'm fine I'm just a bit stressed thank you:)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    How you feel is 100% reasonable! Well done for trying to speak to them. It's a shame they didn't say much but you have all of us here to support you! Hope you have an amazing day!

    Drea:heart:
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    The way your feeling shaunie is 100% fine and you have a right to feel that way. Sorry they didn't say a lot we are her for you always shaunie. Stay strong you can do this.
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