My husband's sex drive controls our marriage.

Former Member

I am in a loving, happy 4 years marriage and we have 2 little kids 3years old and under. Since having kids my sex drive has gone down but is not unreasonable. My husband's sex drive is unmanagable. I would be ok with sex every second night which is what we aim to keep up with. But sometimes life gets in the way (kids are sick or not sleeping well, I'm exhausted form being an active stay at home mother, I have cramps, or indigestion...) but as soon as our kids are asleep and my hub and I have finished dinner (I wait to eat with him after he gets home late from work so he isn't always eating alone) if there is even a hinkling that I'm not in the mood or I am struggling to switch from mommy mode to sexy wifey mode, all hell breaks loose. The comments about how I am "never" are in the mood, "so I guess you just want to go to sleep then..." "You should go talk to your doctor about your lack of sex drive since the kids were born". All said with sass and innuendo.
I think that every two or three nights is an acceptable amount of sex for a couple with small children. Sometimes a have to ask repeatedly to be left alone so that I can get some rest. This all is happening around 11pm.
Please help. I love my husband so much and I want him to be happy. But if I don't feel like having sex or am too tired, I don't think I should have to "suck it up".

Thank you for your kind, helpful comments.
Xo

JustV

Hey, and welcome to the boards. :wave:

Canadianmom wrote:

I love my husband so much and I want him to be happy. But if I don't feel like having sex or am too tired, I don't think I should have to "suck it up".

:yes: to this.

Ultimately, your body and your choice. No one should be made to feel guilty about not wanting sex for any reason, or feel obligated to have sex more than they'd like to. Particularly when caring for children, it's perfectly reasonable to be low on energy in the evenings or to just straight up not be in the mood. Your needs deserve to be respected as much as his.

Can I ask, have you been able to properly talk with your partner about this? Sometimes, taking some time to have 'one of those serious talks' can be a good way to calmly communicate your feelings without any distractions. Equally, it may be a good time for him to air any frustrations he has and for you both to have a bit of a vent about everything.

How are you feeling more generally at the moment?

It's really clear that you care a lot about your husband and want the best for both of you, and it's great to see you posting here. Keep us posted on how things go.

Edit: We also have an article on mismatched sex-drives which might be of interest.