I'm being pressured to have children

Former Member

My family tell me that, because I'm an only child, it's compulsory for me to have children. They tell me that I have to "carry on the bloodline", as though we're royalty! My parents tell me that I have to provide them with grandchildren. They said that if I don't, my life is pointless - because the whole point of having a child is to have grandchildren. Whenever one of their friends'/neighbours'/colleagues' children has a child, they talk at length about what a great son/daughter that person is to have provided his/her parents with grandchildren. My grandparents keep telling me that they're going to die soon and that they want great-grandchildren before they die. Aunts, uncles and friends of the family are also contributing to this, telling me that they were married with children when they were my age and can't understand why I'm 'wasting my life by being single and childless'.

I've tried telling them about successful friends of mine who don't have children, changing the subject, not replying, walking out of the room etc. - but they raise the subject every week. How can I get them to back off, without them hating me? Should I tell them clearly that I don't want children? I know they'll be devastated - but it's my choice alone whether or not I have children. How can I get them to accept and respect my choice?

I asked my friends for advice about this, but they don't know what I should say to my family. None of them have been in this situation and can't understand why my family are doing this to me.

Former Member

First off i want to add that whatever you do is your choice and absolutely okay as long as it makes you happy.
all three of my bosses at work are married, in their 40s - 50s and never had children. they didn't want any, and i love them to bits.
my boss who owns the stables had the same dilemma with her mother and she just told her to back off, rather than be outright honest if you don't want them to hate you maybe add a little white lie? like say "i'm young and have plenty of years to decide, there's so much i want to do before i have children and it's my life and decision"

Former Member

Hi Victoria,

Welcome to the boards! Firstly, just like LaneBoi said, whatever you do is your choice and no one should pressure you to do things, whether it is something you do want to do eventually or something you never plan on doing. At the end of the day, they can keep asking you to have children, but it's impossible for them to make you pregnant to put in blunt terms! Of course the issue here is that it's making you uncomfortable to constantly be nagged about having children. You are young and you have plenty of time for those things if you do want children, but it's also perfectly normal to not want children - as we said, it's completely up to you and you should work at your own pace.

Have you tried telling them that's it's making you uncomfortable? If you're not comfortable confronting them, you could write a letter to express how you feel and see where it goes from there?

Hope to hear from you soon

Drea

Former Member

I've told them that them bringing it up makes me uncomfortable - to which they told me that me being single and childless makes them uncomfortable.

I've tried telling them that I've plenty of time to have children if I want to. They replied by telling me that they were married with children when they were my age and that it's high time I did the same. They refuse to accept the obvious fact that many women don't have children until they're in their thirties or forties - and that a substantial proportion never have children. They keep saying that "being married with children in your early twenties is the norm". They tell me that I "should conform to that norm and stop rebelling against society by remaining single and childless".

They opposed me gaining qualifications, telling me: "you don't need any qualifications to be a housewife!"

My parents' friends are trying to set me up with their sons!

Former Member

It's not just my parents - it's also my grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends of the family who are obsessed with this. They're getting worse each year.

My family and their friends think that everyone wants to be married with children when they're in their late teens / early twenties. They can't understand why I'm "rebelling by being the odd one out in society" and that I should do my duty "just like the 99% of people my age who are married with children".

I've never wanted to marry or have children. I don't use the awful term 'childless', except when I'm repeating what someone said. It's a horrible word that implies that not having children makes a person's life incomplete. Many people have fulfilling, successful lives without having children.

What do you mean by move on? Are you suggesting that I break all contact with them?