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A commitmentphobe (I'm working on it).
I don't think this is a new term but I've come to realise that I am scared of forming close relationships. I have 3 best friends (of 4-7 years) and they are all long distance now. we can talk about literally anything even if we don't speak to each other everyday or hang out everyday we are still close and I know that they will always be there. They are all very independent people so I like to check up on them every now again and vice versa. We're all in our 20's and it seems to work out so well for us. It's the lack of contact that makes our time together so much more special and enjoyable.
The issues is with people I become involved with romantically. It scares me a little and I know that it's the intimacy that scares me because it makes me feel vulnerable.I don't like feeling vulnerable because it means putting part of myself of out there in the open.
Things worsened after receiving the diagnosis of a "mental illness".I wasn't what OP perceived me to be or what I read, it was hard trying to convince myself that I wasn't a bad person. I always feel like I need to be good and do good things. I constantly worry that I'm going hurt people or upset them so I need to protect them from me all the time.
My last relationship didn't last long (for various reasons) so we parted. We had a conversation about it and were completely honest with each other, I don't believe in parting on bad terms with anyone. I learned what it felt like to be completely at ease and safe in someones presence but I also learned that I do things I my own pace and sometimes mental health interferes whether I deny it or not.I also learned that love has no boundaries, I didn't care that his skin was different to mine or that he's grown a little belly or that he was slightly awkward because I still loved him regardless.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.