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No judgement please

SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing
I have two questions. may be disturbing. And it's quiet embarrassing.

I am currently seeking support into reportung of sexual abuse. What else happened was something I find very traumatic and hard to speak about. I thought it was just purely bullying but I call it sexual abuse now I'm about older with more knowledge. I went round his he wouldn't let me leave, he wouldn't let me go toilet. Then when i needed a wee he would press down on ny stomach until I lost all dignity and self respect. Went on for three days til i weny home. Cried and just cried and I jusr didn't even want to live anymore with a world with sick people.

What I want to know is, i dont want to out my self though saying all this again because I feel a disgusting person and so ashamed. Would it affect it anything like help to get more justice? I have a lot of messages of it so im hoping it goes far.

Other question is I'm concerned about my phycail health from it. Ever since the force of it still hurts my bladder. And a lot of the time it hurts to wee and is blood. Is it possible to have damaged my bladder? I'm to scared to like vet checked out
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You were the victim of a sadist. Don't feel guilty. What you suffered was false imprisonment and assault. I suggest you report it - there is no time limit on reporting crimes. If this person is still in your life, break contact with him.

    I advise you to have your bladder looked at by a doctor - it sounds like there's something wrong with it. Pressure to it certainly could cause damage. Don't let your embarrassment and misplaced guilt prevent you from getting the help you need.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Im so pleased you're seeking support into reporting this! God I just want to know everyones names that do this to people so I stay away from them!

    For sure though anyone that presses down on our stomach could damage our bladder and lead to have pelvic problems. Be sure to get it checked out by a dr if you can. I deffinetly know how it feels to go to a dr I'm still hurting and in pain sometimes because I havent been to one. So I just put up with it.

    Are you brave enough to go to a dr?
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,
    Just like Lostsense said, well done for posting this on here! Takes a lot of courage particularly if it something that makes you uncomfortable to talk about! You shouldn't feel embarrassed about this because you did nothing wrong, and we are all here to help and support you. As long as you're comfortable with it, it would probably be best to tell the police and seek help. What this person did to you is not okay, and it has no reflection on you as person. You're not a disgusting person at all and there is nothing to be ashamed about so please don't think that! You are a strong individual and don't think you're any less! The concern with your bladder and the blood is best to get checked out with a doctor and again if you are comfortable to do so at one stage perhaps tell the doctor why this has happened. This could be potential evidence again for the abuse you received from this person. Really hope today is a better day for you and hope to hear from you soon.

    Hugs from Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You may prefer to take someone with you to the police station and to the doctor's. You can ask for a female doctor if you'd prefer.

    Most violence isn't reported to the police, which is one of the reasons that the perpetrators get away with it most of the time.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you very much for your replies. And understanding. :)

    It makes me so angry and sick to think about which is why I'm doing it but apart of me still likes him so its so so hard. Which is messed up and probably think why, but he was so manipulative. Trying to have very little contact with him.

    I really need to go doctors cause it's hurting so much. But not sure if I am brave enough. But maybe feel comfortable in telling police if it means it will help. But that Would be a hard thing to tell a doctor why it. Cause they mostly likely will ask and not sure how to go round it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Was the person who did this to you the same one who raped you?

    Remove him from your life completely. If you maintain contact with him it could go against you in the event of him being prosecuted. He doesn't love you, like you or care about you. He may have pretended to, but that was just to trick you into liking him and trusting him so that he could victimise you more and have psychological power over you. He will have victimised other people as well, so by reporting it you'll be helping them as well.

    Tell the whole truth to the police and doctor. If you don't want to tell your usual doctor, you can tell someone else instead. You can phone NHS 111 first at any time if you want to. You really need to be physically examined - you can ask to be seen by a female doctor if you want.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    It is the same person who would raped me.

    He told me if i tried to even speak to the police about this incident they would laugh at me. And tell me i have control of my own body. But thats what took the most away from me and gave me so much self hate so I want him to pay for that aswell.

    Police have seen and heard it all but a doctor might be shocked and disgusted
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The police won't laugh at you - they've heard about all sorts of violent attacks and will investigate it. Tell them everything about all the times that he attacked you. Don't tell him though, because he'll threaten you or try to stop you reporting him.

    Doctors have seen many different injuries, including many victims of violence. Attack victims arrive at hospitals every day. Doctors have to be mentally strong to be able to do their job. (S)he won't be shocked or disgusted.

    You must have seen the media coverage in recent years of people being convicted of sex offences that they committed years earlier - including several celebrities.

    If you need more help and advice, you can contact Victim Support.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I'm so fed up and stressed. He's fine. So why do i let something i had control over affect me.
    What the fuck even is life :'(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Shaunie are you ok do you want to talk about anything? This sounds really hard and it can be really confusing to understand why we do react in a certain way.

    Harriet xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Harriet. I'll be fine just really overwhelmed and can barely sleep. I hope you're doing okay!X
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Sorry I didn't get back to you last night/this morning. It sounds really hard remember to take things slowly and work things out in individual packets so that you don't overwhelm yourself with all the emotions too much.

    Harriet xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It will keep affecting you whilst you're suffering pain and bleeding - that's why you need to see a doctor about it.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you. I have a doctor's appointment today
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    That sounds like a great plan you have got a doctors appointment. Well done

    Harriet xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tell him/her the whole truth about the assaults you suffered and the symptoms you have - (s)he needs to know, in order to treat it effectively.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    😏
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    You ok?
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie,

    I just wanted to say you are being really brave here, and I hope things go well at the doctors for you.

    Take care x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie, how did your doctor's appointment yesterday go?
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Jelly- thank you very much

    And unfortunately I'm not doing great and didn't go well. I couldn't say the reason, they did urnine tests for things like UTI but found nothingAnd i just freaked out when they did physical tests, that just reminded me. I have to go hospital if it carfies on, to fimd thd causs and treat it. If still the same within about a week.

    I just feel so shitty:(
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Here if you want to talk about anything, it can be hard to talk about something but you did a great job and going so you should be proud of yourself and that's the first step so well done.

    You can do this, your strong

    Harriet xx
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,908 Extreme Poster
    Hey Shaunie,

    It's understandable that you found it difficult to talk about what happened to you, sometimes it can take time to find the courage to open up. There is always going to be people there to listen when you are ready to talk about what happened to you. It's good that they are investigating the physical issues you have been having, hopefully you will start to feel better soon. Perhaps you could try and take little steps towards talking about it - for example, you took the step of discussing it here - maybe next you could ring a helpline and practice saying it out loud when you are ready. You can always write these things down for your doctor as well.

    Hope you are feeling better soon x
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you Harriet and Jelly! X

    I like your idea of ringing a help line. I've never done that before but is good for this cause they won't know me to judge and hopefully make me feel more comfortable.
    Thank you!
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    I need to rant.
    One minute I'm hating myself the next the hate is all on him. I can't hurt him so I'm hurting myself. Now im blaming myself. I dont know where to put all the angry but on myself.

    And now im angry that I'm so angry from what happened when i shouldn't be because it was all my fault. And hes clever and the most nicest person. Either he still is and its my fault or you cant trust anyone.

    So if hes clever then he's clever enough to not of texted me and replied when i spoke about what happened because it's just proof and he knows its not abuse so then its not even proof for anything. And hes right i have control over myself. And police are just going to laugh at me and think im disgusting. And that there's nothing wrong with being a sadist and seeking what they find as sexual pleasure.

    I hate myself. And im so confused
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Nothing is your fault, I understand that you are feeling very confused at the moment. You should be hurting yourself from the pain which he has caused, this can be harder to do and can take time to stop and understand that you shouldn't be blaming yourself you didn't ask for this to happen.

    If you went to the police they won't laugh at you at all and they won't think you are disgusting. There are times which we lose control and we have to rebuild it maybe you didn't have control over what happened.

    Here if you ever want to talk, you are strong and I believe you can do this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's best to report to the police everything that he has done to you. He has committed serious crimes against you and the police need to know about him. His other victims may not have reported him. He's a dangerous violent criminal who should be in prison. The police are used to investigating violent crime and they don't blame the victims.

    Don't give him any opportunity to victimise you again - don't have any contact with him.

    When you go to the hospital this week you should find out more about what can be done about whatever is causing the pain and bleeding.

    It may be better to take someone with you to the police station and to hospital. A social worker or support worker from the NHS or an advocacy service should be able to help you. You can gain advice from victim support and NHS 111.

    Sam didn't report to the police that he'd been raped until months later. Both rapists are now serving 10-year prison sentences for raping him.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you.
    I'm with a support service who are helping me that the crisis team referred me to. But are not pushing me to report it. But I really want it reported.

    What i thought of doing was just only reporting being raped and not this incident, until i felt more comfortable to mayeb just speak about the incident at least. Because i will just feel to distressed trying to report both and will put me of. But I want some justice for the incident because it took away so much more then forced sex. Whether that makes me messed up and sensitive I dont know. It's just the embarrassing and still feeling like i was part my fault I canr report it.

    But i dont know if there's enough evidence for forced sex. I have texts of me telling him i didn't want sex but he would completely change the subject. So dont know if that's proof or not. But he replied very well about the incident and the conversation goes in great detail. I dont know what to do but I'm not pressuring myself to much like by reporting it tomorrow.

    And that may sound selfish. Because probably thinking 'you can stop him from doing it to someone else' but if it's really going to really distress me. Then it's not my job to stop someone commiting a crime. They do that themselves
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I strongly advise reporting all the crimes that he committed against you, taking someone with you for support. Tell the police that there are multiple incidents. Start with the one that happened first, describing it in detail. Then go on the next one. If you only report one attack, it could make it more difficult to prosecute him for anything. His defence could say it's suspicious that you reported one thing and not another, as you'd not be telling the whole truth. Take with you all the evidence you have, including text messages, emails etc. The CPS might be able to prosecute him for only one of the things, so reporting all of it will mean a better chance of convicting him of something. Even if he's not convicted of anything, at least the police will be are aware of him. Tell the police about the psychological power that he has over you, otherwise it will go against you that you continued meeting him after he'd been violent to you the first time.

    Citizens' Advice and Victim Support should be able to give you some relevant advice. It's better to have more organisations helping you.

    If you continue with medical investigations in regard to your bleeding and pain, it may help substantiate a charge of ABH against him. ABH is one of the easier crimes to be convicted of, because (unlike some crimes, including theft and murder) it doesn't require intent.

    If there were any witnesses to any of it, or if you know any of his other victims, try to encourage them go to the police to report it as well.

    He clearly has every intention of continuing his violence; he enjoys victimising. You may be able to help do something to stop him. If no-one reports him, he has no motive to stop.
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,
    It is sooo important that you know that NONE of this is your fault and you are not to blame in any way shape or form. You are a victim of someone else's abuse and the only person to blame is the abuser. Firstly, well done for going to the doctors as we remember it was something you were a bit sceptical about so well done! Shows how strong of an individual you are :) Only do what you are comfortable with, but as Jelly said, it could be worth calling a helpline and talking to them since it is anonymous and often can be easier than talking face to face. Baby steps can be very helpful and you have nothing to lose :) We are all here for you at The Mix and you have a lot of people on the forums who are looking out for you too, so remember you're not alone.

    Another thing to point out is that it isn't your responsibility to make sure the abuser doesn't abuse anyone else because you are facing your own stresses at the moment and if you're not yet comfortable speaking to the police about it, then that is okay. As we said before, baby steps :) Of course it is recommended that you do speak to the police probably sooner than later, but this of course your own decision and your mental wellbeing comes first! A helpline could also give you some advice as to what to do next as they are more trained individuals in these types of incidences so we'll give you some helpline links that you could contact!

    Hope your day is going better and enjoy the sun!

    ​Drea:heart:*hug*


    Links:
    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

    http://www.supportline.org.uk/

    https://rapecrisis.org.uk/contact.php
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