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Relapsing? anorexia

SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
edited August 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
For awhile - most of this year i think. I haven't been restricting more then one day. I occasionally try but then I would think, "I'll control my own thoughts not my food and eat" or just get out of control and binge.

Recently I've hardly been eating. I have started diet pills and laxatives again and other things. I do the most disgusting things to avoide my family realizing I'm not eating.

Before I was sent into hospital, I was restricting but i quiet badly tried to cut fat of myself. I keep picturing myself doing it again. I'm scared I cant stop now.

I never have seen myself as overweight or fat. But since ive gained so much weight I feel disgusting. Eventhough it's not even healthly weight yet. I look at my old pictures and just want to go back and reading pro anorexia websites. All I'm thinking about it how to avoid food.

My therapy for anorexia is coming to an end. And maybe it happening because im scared of that? Am i relapsing or just a slip up.? Or how to get back to where my life didn't revolve around food so much. ?And my clothes are getting to tight for me qnd that's stressing me out aswell cause i dont want to get a whole new wardrobe.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
Post edited by JustV on

Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    It wont let me edit It?
    Does this go against rules of sharing methods of weight loss? Please couldyou edit it if it does
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Shaunie this sounds really hard and I understand that you are worried that it has got worse again.

    You say that you are coming to the end of the treatment, do you think you could tell them that it is getting worse again so that you are able to get some more support?

    You said about pro ana websites, these can be dangerous so please be careful and try and avoid them.

    This battle can be hard to fight but I believe you can do it and it will get better. You said you didn't know if it was a replase or if it was just a slip up, I was just wondering how long this has been going on for?

    Here for you anytime.

    Harriet xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Hi Harriet
    I wouldn't like more support cause it can ger very awkward when I dont say anything. But i would have reviews after with someone else to see how im doing now. So if it's Not a slip , maybe would get some more help then.

    I may tell him and he could help for the last 3 sessions have left. Or write it down to him.

    It's been about three weeks now ive been doing it. But the thing ive learnt from therapy is I will onky end up binge eating and becoming obsess with food suddenly again- which is normal for anorexia. So i dont know why im doing it. Just now i see the scales going down, It feels like I'm finally acieveing something.

    Thank you very much Harriet. I am here if you need someone to listen to you xx
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Hi shaunie,
    I understand that you don't want any extra help, I think it would be positive and helpful if you would be able to write it down so that you could tell him what's going and he can provide you with some support for the last few sessions.

    Some people use it as they are able to control something and when they see the scale they realise that they have control, I wonder if this is how it is for you?

    Thanks for being there for me
    Harriet
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Yeah youre right. Do get sense of control.

    But Ive just thrown away all my pills and I've thrown away my scales :) which was so hard to do but really proud of my self.
    And starting tomorrow i want to ger back on track. I tried eating more then what i restricted myself to today. But just couldn't get myself to do it. Knowing i would check the scales straight after.

    Hopefully now it's gone, I will be able to eat without feeling guilty for gaainig weight

    Thank you :)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    Well done this is amazing and you should be extremely proud of yourself.

    Try and take it slowly don't overwhelm yourself I am proud of you well done. I will be here through this journey with you.

    Keep me updated with how everything is going.

    Thanks
    Harriet xx
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    I have meal plans from when I first started re introducing my food. So used it To not over whelm myself, like you said :)

    Feeling physically and mentally really good today!!:) not even a sense of guilt
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • CharlotteCharlotte Posts: 229 Trailblazer
    That's a great idea, so that you are able to keep a balance.

    So pleased you are feeling good today. Always here when you need me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,
    Hope you're doing well and well doneeeee! That was such a huge step! Onwards an upwards from here! We're very proud of you.

    Hugs from Drea*hug*:heart:
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you all very much :)
    I had therapy today and got weighed. I've gone to healthy weight. Finally. Just about. But I'm not feeling anything but pleased with myself.

    I did binge eat once but didn't purge but just shows I dont really care about weight. And my mind, will hopeful soon go back to normal and not think - I will starve and brain will -so will need to eat loads at once. But reality is, i dont need to binge because my brain won't starve and food will still be there. Which is what i learnt in therapy today, to why i do binge eat.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member The Mix Posts: 292 The Mix Regular
    Hey Shaunie,
    Just checking in! That is soooooooo amazing we're so proud of you! Keep going, and very excited to be on this journey with you! Have an amazing day!

    Hugs and congrats from Drea *hug*:heart:
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