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Tough time

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
Hi, this is my first post on the site. :)

I've come on here because I'm having a really really rough time right now. I was diagnosed bipolar disorder and they're recently considering changing my diagnosis to borderline personality disorder, and I can't find much support for that online

It's all pretty confusing right now.

The questions my psych is asking and such are just making me feel like a rubbish person because this is literally something that is wrong with how I am as a person, or at least thats how it seems right now

I can't focus on anything, I'm falling behind with uni, my employers are worried about me and my relationships are falling apart and I don't know what I can do
I'm having really negative thoughts every day that I'm not acting on, but at some point soon I worry that I will act on them and it'll be too late.

Usually I confide in my boyfriend who I live with , but our relationship isn't going very well right now, mostly due to me acting up. My best friends have absolutely lost interest at this point. I just feel really alone and hopeless. i don't know how to stop this because if I can't get a hold on this now I'm going to be kicked out of uni, risk my job and lose the people close to me.

but then maybe I'm just being paranoid. I have no idea.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to get this out and this appeared to be the place

Comments

  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,617 Part of The Furniture
    Hey @greytail,

    Welcome to the community. :wave: It's brave of you to reach out here, so well done.

    Given the amount of things you've talked about here, I hope you don't mind me moving this post to its own thread. This leaves room for people to have a bit more of a back and forth with you and you should get more responses overall.

    It really sounds like you're feeling as if the ground is falling away from your feet right now, and I can totally get why. Dealing with either bipolar or BPD must be hard enough by itself, let alone with the added pressure and isolation when your relationships are suffering too. :(

    This really struck me:
    The questions my psych is asking and such are just making me feel like a rubbish person because this is literally something that is wrong with how I am as a person, or at least thats how it seems right now

    I wonder if it's worth thinking about whether anything is really wrong with you as a person or if your mind just works a bit differently? I can appreciate that something like BPD or bipolar can make life incredibly difficult at times, but try not to think of yourself as 'faulty'. It sounds like you're giving yourself a bit of a hard time, but ultimately these things are usually out of our control and it's no fault of yours that you need a bit more support with your mental health than others might.

    I'm getting a real sense that this feels very 'make or break' for you - is that accurate? That feeling of everything falling down if you don't find a way to deal with things. It's worth bearing in mind that it's totally okay to manage your load when you're going through a tough time like this. So whether that means taking some time out of work, speaking to your uni about your workload, etc. Lifting some pressure off can be just what we need sometimes, and it's totally okay to step back a bit and not be able to handle everything. Our health is paramount, and ultimately things like work and education can usually be put on the back burner.

    What kind of support are you getting more generally?

    If you ever do find things getting too much or you feel like you're at breaking point, then I'd really recommend getting in touch with Samaritans and Papyrus. If phones aren't your thing, you can also try I'm Alive who have a webchat option. Do keep reaching out, people are around to support you. *hug*
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Mike :) Most things always seem very make or break for me. Unfortunately I think most of what's in my life is hitting break currently.

    I've had rocky on off appointments with psychiatrists, after they lost track of me in the system. I'm back with a psychiatrist now who has suggested this rediagnosis and hopefully I'll have another appointment soon. I'm supposed to get special provisions at uni such as attendance allowances and extensions to my deadlines, but I'm feeling that to be honest, this is taking the mick and I should just get on with it. I'm really bad at admitting I need help or to slow down as I just feel like I'm failing even more. Which I know is silly, but I still feel like that

    I'm feeling a lot better today, thank you for replying and thanks for your advice and I will look up I'm Alive.

    It's nice to have somebody listen sometimes :)
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hi and welcome.
    I and a lot of people can relate to this. I find speaking to people in similar situations helps me to feel a lot less alone about it all. When I got told I have BPD/EUPD I just said so your saying my personality is weak and I cant cope with life. But really it's just that you can get stuck with some emotions because eof how your brain works. And there is nothing wrong with your personality. And may just be that you need help with learning ways to cope better.
    And as to feel like your life is falling and relationships because of it-is something I can understand. I dont even know where my course is going because im so behind and don't enjoy work. But like what Mike said your health is important and taking a break from every thing is understandable. But that is something i personally don't find helpful as not having things to do in the day makes me over think. But it's a lot less stressful and may be able yo cope better after. Have a clear mind and be able to focus on uni.
    There's nothing wrong with admitting you need help. People prefer you to seek help then the worst to happen.
    Youre not your diagnosis. There is a lot more about you then having a personality disorder.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you Shaunie.

    I finish uni for the semester on Friday and all my assessments are fully complete on 1/5, so I'm hanging it out. So close, just hope I can scrape a pass :rolleyes:

    I really like your point about it being how your brain works, I'll try and keep that in mind as I go on with this :razz:

    it's just nice to know i'm not on my own with this! :d
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BPD and bipolar disorder are often confused with each other, because they have some similarities. They often occur together, so it's likely that you have both.

    Does your university have a counsellor?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've just got my next psych appointment through for the 7th, so hopefully that'll shed some light on whatever's going on. When looking through the symptoms of BPD it's all fairly spot on, I was diagnosed bipolar because of the extremity of my moods but over time I think its been noticed there's no patterns or periods of time so its stopped making sense... I'm not sure what having both at once would be like, but then I rarely notice when my moods beginning to act up, how long its been acting up, or if its acting up at all. So it could well be the case

    My uni does have a counselling service, however the waiting list is over 6 months. I've made an appointment with the student support/disability advisor for next wednesday though :p hopefully they'll be able to help me out a bit, they're usually pretty good. I've tried to make a few appointments with them this year but I keep forgetting them or not feeling up to going :(

    I'm having a weird night, everything was going absolutely fine and having a well deserved relax but I've got really anxious and can't leave my seat :nervous: I hate it when this happens, its not like I panic or anything I just get this sense of absolute dread and my head starts thinking bad things could happen if I left where I'm sitting, which is really stupid. Can't help it though, just got to wait for my boyfriend to get home. :angel:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wikipedia's article on borderline personality disorder http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderl...ality_disorder shows how common other mental disorders are among people who have BPD. The vast majority of people who have it also have other mental disorders - over a third have bipolar disorder. It's useful to find out which other mental disorders you have in addition to BPD.

    Treatment is long and complicated - but it's better than leaving it untreated.

    You could see a counsellor on the NHS, but there's a waiting list for that as well.
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