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I'm so comfused. Tw?
Siena
Posts: 15,719 Skive's The Limit
This is something I hate talking about because I always feel ashamed and guilty. But not speaking about it made me go mental and end up sectioned. I found myself filled with guilt and in a horrible state.
When i was 15 -16 I was in a relationship for first time. Few months went past and then things got bad. He wanted sex and did without my consent.
But what people aren't getting is that he was a nice person but because of me i made him into a rapist and then ruined his life. By showing texts to his friends of talking about me.not consenting and turning him into a horrible person - a rapist.
I've been told many times it wasn't my fault. And tell me to look at it from a different view, if it happened to my friend, would i still be thinking it was their fault.
But it was a clash of different people which turned him horrible. I'm a shy person and he wasn't. It's fact if I consented and faught more he wouldn't be a rapist. I feel so ashamed.
I had help from the NSPCC for a year because I didn't really understand and was more of a way to keep me safe and didn't really talk about the actual experience. But then that confuses me cause if I wasn't at risk of it In the first place and was more educated their saying it wouldn't of happened in the first place?
I get offered more help for it but it's not trauma. I helped someone become a bad person and I hate myself and cant live my life knowing that.
When i was 15 -16 I was in a relationship for first time. Few months went past and then things got bad. He wanted sex and did without my consent.
But what people aren't getting is that he was a nice person but because of me i made him into a rapist and then ruined his life. By showing texts to his friends of talking about me.not consenting and turning him into a horrible person - a rapist.
I've been told many times it wasn't my fault. And tell me to look at it from a different view, if it happened to my friend, would i still be thinking it was their fault.
But it was a clash of different people which turned him horrible. I'm a shy person and he wasn't. It's fact if I consented and faught more he wouldn't be a rapist. I feel so ashamed.
I had help from the NSPCC for a year because I didn't really understand and was more of a way to keep me safe and didn't really talk about the actual experience. But then that confuses me cause if I wasn't at risk of it In the first place and was more educated their saying it wouldn't of happened in the first place?
I get offered more help for it but it's not trauma. I helped someone become a bad person and I hate myself and cant live my life knowing that.
“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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Sorry was a bit confusing but edited the bit about friend. Cause didn't mean to make it sound like he was just my friend. And I get why i had the help from the nspcc - to keep me say but if I was more clever I would be able yo keep safe and not be vulnerable and know signs and not go every time knowing what would happen.
Most people dont get it because they say you can't make someone into a rapist cause they make that choice which sort of makes sense. But you can influence someone's chioces
I’m really sorry to hear that you have been going through a really difficult time. Firstly, really well done for sharing your story you are so brave for posting here:).
Do you want to talk a bit more about why you think you made him into a rapist? I’m wondering if you’ve come across these articles on The Mix ‘Was it Rape?’ and ‘Sexual consent’ – they might be useful to read. I've included some bits from the second article:
You said you had help from the NSPCC in the past but didn’t talk about the actual experience. Have you thought about seeking further support from a service?
He was probably pretending to be nice, so that you trusted him.
Why do you think that it was your fault?
Was he prosecuted?
Thank you for this. And feel like I don't deserve support and already had a year of support so don't want to waste anyone time
It sounds like this is a complicated and distressing situation for you. As Aife said, it's really great that you've opened up about it here. I just have two quick thoughts. First, recovering/overcoming something like this doesn't have a specific time line. It's okay if you need support for longer than a year, I would guess that it's probably normal to need continuing support. Second, in terms of regretting not having consented, from what you've said (repeatedly saying no to him about sex), it sounds like you weren't ready/didn't want to give consent at the time. So yes, if you had given consent it wouldn't have been rape, but at the time you weren't ready to consent.
Hopefully that makes sense, I know it's a little confusing to explain,
- Mica
The worst thing is I think I still like him which is why I blame myself not him. Is that messed up? I can't get over what happened when I'm still not over him. I try and speak to him every now and then. And when I see he's fine when i see his Snapchat or social media. Im jealous?
I properly speak yo him over text like every month and every time he is randomly send me screen shots of him speaking to girls. Which i really dont get? And asked -why are you trying to make me jealous, he says well I'm not but obviously working. And says stuff like "oh yeah she's not stick thin like you". Which is meant to offend me. When, when I was with him he used to say i was chubby round the sides (wasn't when i look back) which caused me to have anorexia. It's like he lives of the attention of me being jealous.
Is he mind fucking with me ? Cause its working and I think he making me want something i can't have and he loves it.
It's better to cut him out of your life completely.
Having an unstable self-image is a component of BPD. Alternating between idealisation and devaluation is a common feature. If you didn't have BPD, you wouldn't be feeling this way about him. Being in violent relationships is very common among borderlines - many of them love someone one day, then hate him the next day.
We're actually the same age and I'm a few weeks older
Is there no-one in your life who really cares about you?
Just desperate and stupid.
It sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings about this guy. Did everything go okay when you had him around on saturday morning? How are you feeling about it now?
- Mica
And i completely regret it, maybe it was what i needed.
He tried to have sex with me, which completely honest was why i invited him. Because i thought i needed that to get over it. But when it came to it, he whole weight was on me and all i could see was when it happened the first time. So i pushed him away. And told him, I'm not on contraception and have an SRI ( I dont) he then started looking I'm my draws for condoms.
Which I domt have any. I completely regretted as soon as I saw his face again. But i couldn't exactly leave.
He was telling me about girls he is fucking saying they don't have a body of a 10 year old. He was basically saying girls are just there to have sex with. And he started calling me a dirty slag for having an std. And other words
I managed to avoid sex. But sexually assaulted. Which felt just as worse.
I feel alot less for him now and dont see me inviting him round again