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I'm so comfused. Tw?

ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
This is something I hate talking about because I always feel ashamed and guilty. But not speaking about it made me go mental and end up sectioned. I found myself filled with guilt and in a horrible state.
When i was 15 -16 I was in a relationship for first time. Few months went past and then things got bad. He wanted sex and did without my consent.
But what people aren't getting is that he was a nice person but because of me i made him into a rapist and then ruined his life. By showing texts to his friends of talking about me.not consenting and turning him into a horrible person - a rapist.
I've been told many times it wasn't my fault. And tell me to look at it from a different view, if it happened to my friend, would i still be thinking it was their fault.
But it was a clash of different people which turned him horrible. I'm a shy person and he wasn't. It's fact if I consented and faught more he wouldn't be a rapist. I feel so ashamed.
I had help from the NSPCC for a year because I didn't really understand and was more of a way to keep me safe and didn't really talk about the actual experience. But then that confuses me cause if I wasn't at risk of it In the first place and was more educated their saying it wouldn't of happened in the first place?
I get offered more help for it but it's not trauma. I helped someone become a bad person and I hate myself and cant live my life knowing that.

Comments

  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    .
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Hey
    Sorry was a bit confusing but edited the bit about friend. Cause didn't mean to make it sound like he was just my friend. And I get why i had the help from the nspcc - to keep me say but if I was more clever I would be able yo keep safe and not be vulnerable and know signs and not go every time knowing what would happen.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,331 Wise Owl
    I'm not making sense sorry
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Sorry not sure how to re word it.
    Most people dont get it because they say you can't make someone into a rapist cause they make that choice which sort of makes sense. But you can influence someone's chioces
  • AifeAife LondonPosts: 2,318 Community Manager
    Hey Shaunie,

    I’m really sorry to hear that you have been going through a really difficult time. Firstly, really well done for sharing your story you are so brave for posting here:).

    Do you want to talk a bit more about why you think you made him into a rapist? I’m wondering if you’ve come across these articles on The Mix ‘Was it Rape?’ and ‘Sexual consent’ – they might be useful to read. I've included some bits from the second article:
    [h=2]So, do I have consent if…[/h] We’re in a relationship? Not automatically, no. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been going out, you can never assume the person you’re with is always consenting to sex acts. In fact, most sexual assaults and rapes occur in relationships.
    They’re drunk/on drugs? No. Someone must be in a sober and clear state of mind to give consent. Obviously people react to drink and drugs in different ways, and there’s a difference between being tipsy and being off your face. If you’ve only just met someone though, you don’t know what they’re like when wasted, so always be considerate and careful. If in doubt, don’t go there.
    They’ve not said ‘no’ out loud: A lack of a clear no doesn’t mean it’s a clear yes. It’s really common for somebody under sexual pressure to totally freeze up and not feel able to speak. If they don’t seem into it, stop. They don’t have to yell ‘NO’ to make it clear it’s a no.
    We’re already kissing? No. Giving consent to one sexual activity does not count as consent for others. If you want to go to the next level, get the conversation going.
    They said ‘yes’ then changed their mind halfway through? No. Consent can always be taken back during sex. It isn’t a binding contract. If they stop, you stop. Even if they don’t say ‘stop’ but they seem freaked out, stiff and uncommunicative – stop, and ask they if they’re OK.

    You said you had help from the NSPCC in the past but didn’t talk about the actual experience. Have you thought about seeking further support from a service?
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Most sexual assaults and rapes are within relationships? What percentage?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shaunie,

    He was probably pretending to be nice, so that you trusted him.

    Why do you think that it was your fault?

    Was he prosecuted?
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    It was my fault becAuse he thought I was playing hard to get. So obviously saying no loads of times wasn't enough and should of made it more clear. I still went to his house loads of times after with it happening every time. I could of stopped that but didn't cause I was stupid and naive. And frigid. I was vulnerable and had been very neglected so any sign of love was good. Even if it was abusive I didn't really care cause apart from those times it was fine. Which is my own fault. And it's basically factual that if I consented it wouldn't of happened. And he wouldn't be a rapist.
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Aife wrote: »
    Hey Shaunie,

    I’m really sorry to hear that you have been going through a really difficult time. Firstly, really well done for sharing your story you are so brave for posting here:).

    Do you want to talk a bit more about why you think you made him into a rapist? I’m wondering if you’ve come across these articles on The Mix ‘[URL="http://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/was-it-rape-9143.html"]Was it Rape[/URL]?’ and ‘[URL="http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/single-life-and-dating/sexual-consent-15356.html"]Sexual consent[/URL]’ – they might be useful to read. I've included some bits from the second article:

    [/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]
    You said you had help from the NSPCC in the past but didn’t talk about the actual experience. Have you thought about seeking further support from a service?

    Thank you for this. And feel like I don't deserve support and already had a year of support so don't want to waste anyone time
  • micamica Moderator Posts: 98
    Hey Shaunie,

    It sounds like this is a complicated and distressing situation for you. As Aife said, it's really great that you've opened up about it here. I just have two quick thoughts. First, recovering/overcoming something like this doesn't have a specific time line. It's okay if you need support for longer than a year, I would guess that it's probably normal to need continuing support. Second, in terms of regretting not having consented, from what you've said (repeatedly saying no to him about sex), it sounds like you weren't ready/didn't want to give consent at the time. So yes, if you had given consent it wouldn't have been rape, but at the time you weren't ready to consent.

    Hopefully that makes sense, I know it's a little confusing to explain,

    - Mica
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Thank you Mica.
    The worst thing is I think I still like him which is why I blame myself not him. Is that messed up? I can't get over what happened when I'm still not over him. I try and speak to him every now and then. And when I see he's fine when i see his Snapchat or social media. Im jealous?
    I properly speak yo him over text like every month and every time he is randomly send me screen shots of him speaking to girls. Which i really dont get? And asked -why are you trying to make me jealous, he says well I'm not but obviously working. And says stuff like "oh yeah she's not stick thin like you". Which is meant to offend me. When, when I was with him he used to say i was chubby round the sides (wasn't when i look back) which caused me to have anorexia. It's like he lives of the attention of me being jealous.
    Is he mind fucking with me ? Cause its working and I think he making me want something i can't have and he loves it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds very much like he's deliberately making you feel bad and psychologically manipulating you. I guess that he's quite a bit older than you and chose you because you're vulnerable. Did he start with a typical grooming process of making you feel special and that he loved you - then he became controlling over you?

    It's better to cut him out of your life completely.

    Having an unstable self-image is a component of BPD. Alternating between idealisation and devaluation is a common feature. If you didn't have BPD, you wouldn't be feeling this way about him. Being in violent relationships is very common among borderlines - many of them love someone one day, then hate him the next day.
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Yeah he was really loving at the start then still was but forceful as well.
    We're actually the same age and I'm a few weeks older
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's obviously selfish, manipulative and controlling. Your life would be better if you'd never met him. Many bad people are skilled at pretending to be good.

    Is there no-one in your life who really cares about you?
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    I feel so ashamed and disgusted I invited this guy round saturday morning.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do you want him in your life? He'll just hurt you again.
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Don't know. I don't want him in my life. He's changed a lot.
    Just desperate and stupid.
  • micamica Moderator Posts: 98
    Hey Shaunie,

    It sounds like you have a lot of mixed feelings about this guy. Did everything go okay when you had him around on saturday morning? How are you feeling about it now?

    - Mica
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 13,258 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Not really.
    And i completely regret it, maybe it was what i needed.
    He tried to have sex with me, which completely honest was why i invited him. Because i thought i needed that to get over it. But when it came to it, he whole weight was on me and all i could see was when it happened the first time. So i pushed him away. And told him, I'm not on contraception and have an SRI ( I dont) he then started looking I'm my draws for condoms.
    Which I domt have any. I completely regretted as soon as I saw his face again. But i couldn't exactly leave.
    He was telling me about girls he is fucking saying they don't have a body of a 10 year old. He was basically saying girls are just there to have sex with. And he started calling me a dirty slag for having an std. And other words
    I managed to avoid sex. But sexually assaulted. Which felt just as worse.
    I feel alot less for him now and dont see me inviting him round again
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's better to not have him in your life.
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