Let's be real here.. (may be triggering)

Former Member

Hello.

So, a lot of shit has happened recently.. i feel obliged to carry someones baby because he said he would kill himself if he didnt have another son and said he wanted it with me. To be honest, with my mental health i probably wouldnt even be allowed a kid... im even thinking of going on heroin.. ive tried cocaine etc but didnt get that much of a buzz but ive heard people saying how great heroin is and if it gets rid of my pain i would happily try it.. i stupidly re activated my fb to see if there was anyone else i could add on my new one.. soon as i re activated ive had my mum contact me etc.. the issue is i cannot stop responding to her messages.. the voices are so bad.. last night was the illest ive been so far, ive been drinking a lot and starting to consider prostitution i mean why not others take advantage of my body why not get paid during the process.. i cant even phone the crisis team because ive had a drink, dont know what they would say to be honest.. probs the same ones i got assessed by today so wouldnt go there tbh.. if i tell my worker about the guy she is going to think im a slut!! I wrote down everything thats ever happened to me on the pc and sent it to her except one thing. Ive never spoke about this because its too deep.. when i was 11 years old i attended sea cadets in my city.. i was sleeping over there for 2 nights and we were all playing hide and seek, there was a boy there who was maybe a year older than me, he was weird very hyper.. he ran up to me during the game and put his hand down the back of my trousers and underwear and kept going till he gropped my thingy.. ive briefly spoke about that once but didnt go into detail like i have just done.. ive been carrying that around for 10 years. People say im strong but im dragging myself through the days.. i want to continue living for my brother but at the same time its hard. Losing the will and still trying to respond to family..

Former Member

Don't let anyone pressure you into having their baby - that won't help anyone. I don't know why he wrongly thinks that it would stop him being suicidal. It's likely that a baby born to two severely mentally ill people would soon be taken into care - so he wouldn't have the baby around.

Heroin is the most dangerous drug. It may kill your pain temporarily, but it's highly addictive and would lead you into a life of crime.

independent_

Hi Kayden,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a hard tme at the moment. As Robert has already said (he's totally right on both points) please don't feel pressured to carry a baby for any man let alone a man who only wants you to do it because he himself is suicidal. There's a high chance the baby would be removed from his care anyway, seeing as he is suicidal and mentally unwell. Same goes for you.

Heroin is a vicious cycle, you go on it to stop pain but it is possibly one of the most addictive illegal drugs out there and will just get you into more problems for yourself in the future. To be honest, cocaine will do the same over time. I would highly suggest telling someone in real life how things are for you, and about this boy You've been brave to post this here so huge well done.

How are you feeling this morning?

Former Member

Hey Kayden,

Sounds like a lot has been going on for you and that it has all been quite intense. It’s really admirable that you reached out here on the boards for support and I hope writing everything out was helpful. Personally, I find that it can be helpful to just write everything out so it’s no longer circling around my head.

Robert and Elle are spot on. You definitely shouldn’t feel obliged to have someone else’s child. Not only is it unfair for him to give you such an ultimatum, but it sounds like you know that having a child right now wouldn’t be a good decision for you or the baby’s health. As for starting heroin, I also tend to agree with Robert and Elle in that it might not be the best idea. I can understand wanting to stop the pain, but using heroin will only superficially mask the pain for a time while creating even more problems.

That being said, it’s great to see you finally get that childhood experience off your chest. That’s a lot to carry around, especially for 10 years, and it was brave of you to finally open up about it. You’re doing so well to talk about it all. If you’re not already familiar with them, you might consider looking into/talking to Women’s Aid (https://www.womensaid.org.uk/). They could be another source of support for you.

It looks like this was a little bit of a mental unload (which is totally fine and can be super cathartic), but if you wanted to split things up a bit and dive deeper into each topic, you might consider separating the topics of this thread into several threads (ie. One about feeling like you have to have someone’s child, one about seeming strong to everyone else, etc). Not pressure at all though, it’s just a thought that could make getting support easier.

I just want to reiterate how commendable it is for you to reach out for support and how brave it was for you to share this all. The fact that you continue to persevere is truly inspirational and I hope things start to improve for you soon. Life can be exhausting at times, but you’ve overcome so much already, I truly believe you can work through all of this too. Please feel free to keep posting, and to reach out for more support if you need it.

Hugs
*hug*

- Mica

Former Member

Hi all,

Thank you for replying. I know your concerns about the heroin but i would gladly take it knowing i would be out of it for most of my time. Thats all i want, to escape everything. I saw the crisis team at the recovery unit today, after offering me lorazepam etc wednesday i asked for it today to get me through the weekend and they said no.. they said if you feel an urge, distract yourself by drawing etc for 5 then decide if you really need to harm.. and contact them if needed.. what? Contact them just for them to fucking say at the end "contact us if you need us".. if i didnt need them i wouldnt be contacting them the dumb shits. Ive lost all hope with the crisis team. They are seeing me tomorrow, well phoning but im not leaving the house for anyone. I am really struggling to look after myself, i dont really eat, go days without eating, i struggle getting out of bed and i havent showered in days because things are too much for me.. havent told anyone about the showering part too embarrassed.. as for the guy i dont want him doing anything to himself so if a baby is what it takes for him to stay alive then so be it. Ill just drink a shit tone of alcohol before hand.

My alcohol... at about 8pm i hadnt had a drink, then it was all that was on my mind, i started becoming sweaty and my palms were soaking so i had to get to the shop for alcohol. Cant even tell my support worker about this. On my own until monday too. They said ring on call if i need anything but after what i have put on call through over the last week i dont want to phone them.

My suicidal thoughts are very intense at the moment and the voices are egging me on to do something. I dont know how much longer i can carry on. My self harm has been really bad today but ive kept it to myself. I cant last the weekend i really cant

Former Member

Heroin doesn't knock you out for long - and the cravings would be horrible. Heroin addicts are very unhappy people - most are in and out of hospital and prison. It's a class A drug, so you can be sent to prison merely for possessing a tiny amount of it.

Having a baby won't prevent your male acquaintance from being suicidal; I don't know why he thinks it would. Having children hasn't stopped him becoming suicidal, so why would anyone think that having another child would? Raising a baby is stressful, expensive and difficult. It would make both your lives worse - as well as being an awful situation in which to create a child. It would probably be better if you and him weren't in each others' lives and you sought help individually.

Do you know which mental disorders you are suffering from?

Former Member

Hi robert,

I understand its a class a drug, at the moment i dont care what happens to me. His last child died and hes using it as a form of emotional blackmail to get in bed and have a baby with me. I cant have someones death on my shoulders. Im suffering from anxiety, depression, borderline personality disorder and they think i am suffering from ptsd from my childhood x

Former Member

Having a baby wouldn't make either of your lives any better - it would make both of your lives more difficult.

Does he want a long-term relationship with you as well?

Former Member

No he just wants a child from me x

Former Member

Does he want the child to live with you or with him?

Former Member

I dont know, he hasnt said that to me. He lives 3 hours away by train but wants me to get a coach up and spend a few nights at his x

Former Member

The distance makes his plan even more unreasonable. How do you know him?

Former Member

He used to live with me in care years ago. I just came off the phone to the crisis team and told them about my suicidal feelings and all they said was "try get some sleep. Try think positive".. i mean are you fucking kidding me? Im just sat here in tears now..

Former Member

The crisis team are really pissing me off.. phoned them at 2am yesterday morning in crisis and all that was said to me was to try sleep and try think positive.. so i decided to reject their phone calls all of yesterday because i didnt want them pissing me off more. They ask you to tell them what works for you, i told them lorazepam works for me when i get urges as the voice gets louder and i get more anxious, told them haloperadol helps the voice go away when im finding them really difficult seeing as my medication isnt working and needs to be increased but no they dont bloody listen to you.. they said see how you go on the weekend. Ive been in bed most of the last 2 days, havent changed, barely eaten, just drank alcohol, havent showered since like tuesday.. now they are trying to phone me again to see how im doing. What the hell is the point talking to them. If i wanted shit advice like that i could of asked any randomer.

Former Member

So i actually answered the phone to them.. told them i was really struggling yesterday and struggling today, told them ive spent all weekend in bed and im still in bed. All they said was remember to use lots of distraction techniques, we'll ring you tomorrow. Didnt even give a list of any techniques. The crisis team are a fucking joke. Dont know why they get paid in their job title.

Aoife

Hey Kayden,

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. Like Mica said earlier on, you are so brave for opening up about your childhood experience. It’s okay to take your time before you open up to your support worker, you should be really proud of yourself for opening up on the boards. Did you find it easier to write down everything to your support worker?

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve lost hope with the crisis team, but well done for picking up the phone today. If anything ever feels too much to handle, I'd really urge you to try another crisis support service or try the same one again as you might speak to someone different. Have you tried any other crisis support services? I’ve listed below some others that you could try:

ImAlive: https://www.imalive.org
Samaritans: http://samaritans.org
Papyrus: https://www.papyrus-uk.org/

You said the crisis team didn’t give you any distraction techniques to use – there’s a great article here on The Mix website about self-harm coping tips and distractions. Are there any distraction techniques you have found useful before?

This article also lists some more support services that might be helpful to try out:

[h=2]Next Steps[/h]

• Under 19? You can get confidential help with self-harm from ChildLine – either over the phone or through an online chat.
• TESS text and email support service runs Monday to Friday from 7pm to 9pm for girls and women aged under 25. Text them on 0780 047 2908.
• Anyone can contact the Samaritans on their 24-hour helpline to talk things through. 116 123
• RecoverYourLife.com is an online community where you can get peer support for self-harm and other mental health problems.
• As well as an online forum RecoverYourLife.com have arcade games which you can use as distractions.
• If you're under 25 and would like free confidential telephone counselling from The Mix to help you figure things out complete this form and we'll call you to arrange your first session.
• Chat about this subject on our Discussion Boards.
• Need help but confused where to go locally? Download our StepFinder iPhone app to find local support services quickly.

Do keep posting here whenever you like, we are here for you

Former Member

Aife. I am not brave, i am not strong. I cant do this especially seeing as i physically dont have anyone. The crisis team are a pile of shit. Ive made plans to end it and im sticking to it. I have some goodbyes to make, dont even know what im going to say to my brother to be honest. Anything is better than this life.

Siena

I totally get this. Today I saw thr crisis team. They couldn't of cared less about what I had to say. I just made me feel like absolute shit. Like no one understands or gives a shit.

Siena

Here if you need to talk kayden. keep posting on here cause we want to help

Former Member

Tomorrow im supposed to be at their recovery unit.. the one i normally speak to is phoning me in the morning.. i will be telling her how shit i was doing on the weekend and all that got said to me was try distract yourself and try stay positive.. i will be telling her how the medication could of benefitted me today and how i dont really want anything to do with the crisis team anymore and why i ignored their phone calls. Im telling them that im done now. They dont even know where i live because of the type of accommodation so they cant do fuck all. They are never there for you until it is too late. Well news flash. It is too late.

Former Member

The crisis team phoned and i totally snapped on the phone to them. Told them how their useless service is, told them how ive been trying to talk to them about my voices and the medication isnt working but they wont listen, told them to stop shoving an activity centre down my throat when it isnt going to make everything perfect, told them how useless to me they were on the weekend. She said she wants to see me tomorrow at 2, they know about my plans and they know ive told my family i wont see them again, so they want to talk more about it tomorrow. I am fuming