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TW: It's compicatED, what now?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
I spent this morning crying because I felt so overwhelmed with emotions.
I was diagnosed with bulimia at 17 but despite this it was never treated or addressed. My eating habits have changed over time and I my weight fluctuates between 7 pounds and 2 stones. I've spent all my money and the total weight gain from last year and this year has has been 1 stone and a half, I feel really upset about it. I've been binging non stop and believe me when I say I've done everything about it.I feel so much resentment towards the CMHT and my GP for letting me down, lying and being dismissive.
I don't even know what real hunger looks like because I'm so used to eating when the urge comes. I eat beyond capacity and beyond pain.
I literally don't know what to do, I feel like I have to be worse, I have to do better at having an "eating disorder". I have to show them that I can be worse, that I'm not making it up and that it's real. I feel hideous, I can't look at myself in pictures and I can never relax when I'm outside.
I feel like I'm in this bubble of continuous suffering and it's my fault for not be being sick enough. I was so angry at them but now I'm angry at myself too.
I'm so close to self harming, I've been thinking about doing it all morning.
I was diagnosed with bulimia at 17 but despite this it was never treated or addressed. My eating habits have changed over time and I my weight fluctuates between 7 pounds and 2 stones. I've spent all my money and the total weight gain from last year and this year has has been 1 stone and a half, I feel really upset about it. I've been binging non stop and believe me when I say I've done everything about it.I feel so much resentment towards the CMHT and my GP for letting me down, lying and being dismissive.
I don't even know what real hunger looks like because I'm so used to eating when the urge comes. I eat beyond capacity and beyond pain.
I literally don't know what to do, I feel like I have to be worse, I have to do better at having an "eating disorder". I have to show them that I can be worse, that I'm not making it up and that it's real. I feel hideous, I can't look at myself in pictures and I can never relax when I'm outside.
I feel like I'm in this bubble of continuous suffering and it's my fault for not be being sick enough. I was so angry at them but now I'm angry at myself too.
I'm so close to self harming, I've been thinking about doing it all morning.
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
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Comments
It’s very brave of you to write so candidly about how you’re feeling; sometimes admitting to yourself that things are no longer in your control is the hardest part (but also one of the most important). It sounds like you’re very unhappy with where you are, so a few things come to mind that might be helpful to you. The first is looking into B-eat and their services (https://www.b-eat.co.uk/). They specialise with eating disorders and have a helpline, boards, and online support groups. Talking to others who are going through something similar to you might help you feel less alone and more understood.
We (The Mix) are also holding an online chat specifically for eating on Thursday the 2nd of March from 6:30pm to 8:30pm. This is run in conjunction with B-eat, so it might be a nice introduction to their services. You can get more information here http://vbulletin.thesite.org/forum/chat-debate/live-chat-announcements/3556630-workshop-getting-support-with-eating-sign-up-required).
At the risk of sounding cliché, I want to remind you that it is possible to recover. It might take a long time—longer than you want it to, but it’s worth it, if only to not feel the way you feel right now. And you certainly don’t need to be sicker to deserve support. It sounds like your GP hasn’t been very supportive in getting you the help you need, so maybe use this Helpfinder to find other local support http://helpfinder.b-eat.co.uk/).#
How are you getting on today? We’re rooting for you
*hug*
- Mica
I don't even know what I wan't anymore, there's this very dominant voice in my head that's says all sorts of things; that I'm useless that it's my fault and that absolutely cannot ask again.
It's 3 in the morning because yet again all the voices are so loud and I gave in to a binge again. I feel like I just need to stop talking because I'm beginning to sound like a broken record. I've got deadlines and done nothing but overeat, sleep, cry and fight the urges to self harm almost everyday. I don't even wan't to ask for an extension because I don't feel like I have a valid enough reason. I don't desire to do anything, I don't feel joy.
That was earlier this morning put I didn't post the reply.
I'm at the library right now and I've already cried in the booth.I did make it out the house but I'm not doing so well. I'm struggling with the work and today was a close one self harm wise.
I feel like I have no right to cry when people have it worse, I don't deserve to and I'm too big to be crying about the food issue.
I will fail uni and it's looking that way.