Gaaah

Lostsense

I'm so hacked off with myself my first session of face2face counselling was meant to be at 9am today. I set 3 alarms and fell back asleep for an hour. I'm so pissed off with myself. Now I've had to ask for a later time as I know being in town for 9am is a big ask for me! But that means I'm going to have to wait evan longer!

JustV

Aaah Steph, this really sucks. Don't blame yourself though - I can really relate to this. Sometimes getting up that early is genuinely difficult depending on your health and, to be fair, we all sleep through alarms sometimes regardless. Do you know how long the wait will be now?

Lostsense

I'm so annoyed with myself but I know being in town at 9am is a big ask for me! No they didn't probably 2-3weeks that's my instinct but they have put me back on top of the waiting list and someone will be in touch.

One-in-a-million

Hey Steph don't be discouraged by this it is difficult especially if you're not used to getting up early because your body clock is ysed to a certain routine. If you're at the top of the waiting list you shouldn't have to wait to long to get another appointment.

You know I'm always here for you to talk to Xx

Lostsense

OIAM-💙💚

Lostsense

I didn't have to wait to long! I've just heard back from the rape and sexual violence centre. I've got my counselling appointments on Thursdays at 11am. Starting this Thursday! 11am is much more amicable for me than 9am.

Drea

Glad you found another slot!

Lostsense

Yeah me too😊

One-in-a-million

That's great news!!!!!!! 😁
Glad to hear you didn't have to wait long.

Emma

Lostsense

Yeah it is!! 😆

If I can't leave the house by 10:15am then there's something else wrong with me.

The dread of it being a Monday night. I hate Monday nights😢 The rape was on a monday night. I wish I could just go to sleep now and not wake up untill tomorrow!😩

Drea

It's so brave of you to come on here and share this with us so well done! Onwards and upwards from here, and you have our full support
Drea

Lostsense

Hmmm

Is there no live chats tonight? They've not been put up?

independent_

They are still on Steph, there's not always a thread. Support and general as usual. I think Lauren and Jo are in SC and Spencer is in GC modding xx

Lostsense

Elleloveschocolate wrote: »

They are still on Steph, there's not always a thread. Support and general as usual. I think Lauren and Jo are in SC and Spencer is in GC modding xx

Xxx

One-in-a-million

Hi Steph I know what you mean I've got the memory of a goldfish.

But when I was assaulted/harassed as it was cross between the two so it's hard to know which one. It was a Tuesday afternoon

I remember everything, the day, the time, date, where I was, the smell....
You get the picture even the next day at school when my friends asked me if things went ok, the guy in class who said he saw me and him together and the girl who kept on at me asking did I meet someone and what happened again and again until I screamed at her that I didn't see anyone (lie)

I used to find it hard on the date the date it happened 3 days before my 16th birthday

It does get easier I have my blips now and then. Like going docs next Monday
But I feel lots more in control now

Lostsense

Yep Monday the 13th of July 2015 was the night he decided to rape me. I can recall what I was doing now the rape had happened and I would of been waiting in the hostels office for the police to come and take him away in handcuffs. I think the police came to take him away in about 20minutes, then specialist officers came for me about 11:30pm they asked me to show them my room but I didnt want to so they went up with one of the hostel staff and they bagged the bedding and my clothes what I was wearing (I had a shower after and put different clothes on) then they took me to the police station did a statement and some other stuff at about 00:30 they took me to the place where I had to have my rape kit done..won't go into details there. The police then dropped me back at the hostel I got back at 4am..I slept downstairs, on the Tuesday I woke up and was told the police was coming to pick me up to do my ABE interview my support worker from the hostel came with me for that. The following day I was told he was remanded and police came round to the hostel again and I had to sign papers to say I wouldn't disscuss anything on the Internet until the case was over otherwise they would seize my phone.

Couple of days after that I moved out of that hostel and into a different one and with the police my involvement was over untill the trial

Lostsense

Sorry didn't know where that come from you didn't exactly ask me share my story sorry haha was probably in mid of a flashback.

He didn't really smell but I remember the date, time, where it happened, when, how, his touch and forcefulment. His penis being like a winkey because obviously he wasent hard because I didn't give him a blowwie or anything, he tried but I kept my mouth tight shut. Still to this day I can feel his penis inside off me and abdominal pains.

One-in-a-million

I'm so sorry Steph that sounds horrible.
It's horrible how these things stay in our minds.

I could physically tell you what went on on that day like it was happening right now although it was 15/3/11

this time on that day I was sat in my room crying until I fell asleep a few hours later. I dreaded even going through that front door. The next day my brother would shout me just before I left for school and tell me he knew that the guy had groped and kissed me. because I left my phone unlocked and he saw the messages between me and my best friend. He was so angry with me. I acted like I didn't care but once I shut that front door I cried So much again. When I stopped crying I met my friends who asked if the "meeting" went ok.
I felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach. I just said I wanted to leave it.
My best friend told them what happened.
Later that day I almost got into a fight over it with a girl. The guy messaged me and Said he thought I was into it and thought I was into him and wanted to have sex (we didn't) he apologised and said It was a big miss understanding but he never talked to me again. Wether it was a mistake or he actually meant it. I will never know but it didn't make me feel any less effected by it.

It was from that day I started being sexually bullied and harrased in my maths class. To be honest what happened in them classes felt worse! The way they would touch me and say things. I think the worst one was when they said "you love it really"

He had an aftershave on. Once at college my mage of brought the same one as when I smelt it. It took me back there again

One-in-a-million

I don't mind what you wrote sometimes it helps. In fact I think this was in the back of my mind and is why I'm scared about going doctors. I actually feel a bit better now so I suppose it might of been on my mind slightly

Lostsense

I know it is horrible how these things stay in our minds. Its not just our bodies who have been raped but our minds too.

Its a part of healing I think sharing our story's.

It will be a year next weekend on the date NOT the day (Sunday I think) that we heard his sentence. So its nearly a year out of what he got his served. I will probably make a new thread about that nearer the time.

I'm sorry you was sexually bullied and harassed. That's an awful thing to say you love it really.

I'm glad you feel a bit better now my lovey things cant be taken away but talking about it can help a little xxx

Lostsense

Have you read this and for my future reference I probably wont be able to find it again

http://www.themix.org.uk/crime-and-safety/victims-of-crime/i-brought-my-rapist-to-court-and-won-21873.html

One-in-a-million

I know that feeling Steph my biggest let down was after I spoke about it (it took me a few months) they said they would sort it.

They did get them to stop but didn't ask of I needed the support with what happened (although I didn't really get chance to tell them properly) but it happened at least twice a week for a few months and I did need the help. I finally got help at college. I am myself again. Like I say I have a few blips now and then but I'm me again. I know it takes all people different times to heal and many people think I got over it quick. But it was back in 2011 ao it was nearly 6 years ago this march. I think the word gwt over is wrongly used as I didn't get over it! I healed

While and when it happened . I hated myself, I hated them, I felt like I had no rights like they owned me and I had no right to say no or stop. I felt like I had done something wrong like I deserved it. There's more but I don't wanna carry on as this thres is for you. sorry I think I went off the topic a bit.

But it is amazing how far we have both come. I know it's not easy but you will get through this! I never thought I'd ever get here again. I might still be a bit uncomfortable in some situations and to be honest there will probably always be situations that bring that uncomfortable feel back from time to time. But I am me, I'm happy, I'm in control, I'm strong

And so are you!
Xx

One-in-a-million

I'll check that link out I will most likely go bes after because I have work tomorrow 😫😂

Night hun you know where I amXx

Lostsense

Im going now aswell.

Take my med and fall asleep. I don't want to be awake while I was having my rape kit done.

Tell my worry to my worry doll (My aunty gave me some worry dolls last weekend)

Nightnight lovely xxx