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This is me
Former Member
NoobPosts: 235 Trailblazer
Hello, a lot of you know me, some of you don't. Its taken a bit of courage to write this. But this is me.
I'm a 21 year old female who has had a past of physical and sexual abuse. Physical from family and friends, sexual from a professional who was 41 years old. I have borderline personality disorder, emotionally unstable and depression. I have also fought against bulimia a few years back. These issues led to me having behaviour issues when i was 16, i lived in a hostel then social services put me into care as i was a danger to myself and others, i was hooked on alcohol and a few different drugs, was kept inside my care home without unescorted leave for 2 months from fear of something happening to me.
Slowly i came off the drugs but the alcohol was a lot harder.. i ended up moving to a different care home then to a few flats. By the time i was 19 my alcohol had become serious and i was given an alcohol worker who was also helping me with housing, gender reassignment and self harm.. i put a lot of trust into her and i got invited to the nursing awards by her big boss, which involved me staying in a hotel overnight.
This is where my life got worse.. my alcohol worker kept pouring me drink after drink and by the end of the night she forced me a kiss.. i didn't know what to do. The next thing i know shes telling her husband shes coming to my room to watch TV for a bit. As soon as we enter the door I'm pushed back onto the bed. I wont go into any detail or information about what happened next, you can guess what happened.
For 3 months the sexual abuse went on. I began to build a sisterly relationship with her 2 children, i would look after them etc.. i got threatened that if i said anything i wouldn't be able to see the kids again and that nobody will believe me. After those 3 months i got used to it but then she started telling me how she loved me and i was her soul mate. I then fell in love with my abuser, until she decided to see another woman and marry her after 1 month of dating. I ended up being sectioned after all of this, and she would call me selfish.
My barnardos worker thought something was wrong within them 3 months and tried to get in contact with pova (protection of vulnerable adults). My abuser wanted her out of the picture and made me phone her head office to get a different worker. I have since been back to my old barnardos worker and told her everything that happened. I got dragged to the police, an investigation started. She told the police there was no sexual relationship at all, so i had to gather photos of me drunk that she forced me to sit there and take in my underwear, i had to get all the texts and fb messages to prove what she did. It was proven there was a sexual relationship going on so she was stopped working with vulnerable young people.
I ended up in a mental health hospital twice over the last 4 months because of the stress and trauma i gained from this, it was then decided that i was not strong enough to go to court. She had gotten away with it. I then had a text from her saying that she wishes me all the best.. typically being all smug as she knew she was free from being found out. I'm on a waiting list for counselling for this. When she met me i was living as a male, she made me go back to female, would dress me in female clothes. 3 years of work towards gender reassignment was ruined. I now want to look at that option again, but i would be cast out from my family. I accept who i am but others will not, that's why i need to live my life as a lie at the moment.
I have a housing assessment Friday in hope of moving to a hostel. Its like being held hostage here at home. Being controlled, threatened with the mental health hospital if i wont do as my mum says, forced to go on a date i don't want to go to because of what I've been through, constantly creating arguments with me and putting me down, all i hear them say about people with mh issues is "if your going to kill yourself at least do a good job of it".. i hear these things every week and it destroys me inside.
This is me.
Kayden
I'm a 21 year old female who has had a past of physical and sexual abuse. Physical from family and friends, sexual from a professional who was 41 years old. I have borderline personality disorder, emotionally unstable and depression. I have also fought against bulimia a few years back. These issues led to me having behaviour issues when i was 16, i lived in a hostel then social services put me into care as i was a danger to myself and others, i was hooked on alcohol and a few different drugs, was kept inside my care home without unescorted leave for 2 months from fear of something happening to me.
Slowly i came off the drugs but the alcohol was a lot harder.. i ended up moving to a different care home then to a few flats. By the time i was 19 my alcohol had become serious and i was given an alcohol worker who was also helping me with housing, gender reassignment and self harm.. i put a lot of trust into her and i got invited to the nursing awards by her big boss, which involved me staying in a hotel overnight.
This is where my life got worse.. my alcohol worker kept pouring me drink after drink and by the end of the night she forced me a kiss.. i didn't know what to do. The next thing i know shes telling her husband shes coming to my room to watch TV for a bit. As soon as we enter the door I'm pushed back onto the bed. I wont go into any detail or information about what happened next, you can guess what happened.
For 3 months the sexual abuse went on. I began to build a sisterly relationship with her 2 children, i would look after them etc.. i got threatened that if i said anything i wouldn't be able to see the kids again and that nobody will believe me. After those 3 months i got used to it but then she started telling me how she loved me and i was her soul mate. I then fell in love with my abuser, until she decided to see another woman and marry her after 1 month of dating. I ended up being sectioned after all of this, and she would call me selfish.
My barnardos worker thought something was wrong within them 3 months and tried to get in contact with pova (protection of vulnerable adults). My abuser wanted her out of the picture and made me phone her head office to get a different worker. I have since been back to my old barnardos worker and told her everything that happened. I got dragged to the police, an investigation started. She told the police there was no sexual relationship at all, so i had to gather photos of me drunk that she forced me to sit there and take in my underwear, i had to get all the texts and fb messages to prove what she did. It was proven there was a sexual relationship going on so she was stopped working with vulnerable young people.
I ended up in a mental health hospital twice over the last 4 months because of the stress and trauma i gained from this, it was then decided that i was not strong enough to go to court. She had gotten away with it. I then had a text from her saying that she wishes me all the best.. typically being all smug as she knew she was free from being found out. I'm on a waiting list for counselling for this. When she met me i was living as a male, she made me go back to female, would dress me in female clothes. 3 years of work towards gender reassignment was ruined. I now want to look at that option again, but i would be cast out from my family. I accept who i am but others will not, that's why i need to live my life as a lie at the moment.
I have a housing assessment Friday in hope of moving to a hostel. Its like being held hostage here at home. Being controlled, threatened with the mental health hospital if i wont do as my mum says, forced to go on a date i don't want to go to because of what I've been through, constantly creating arguments with me and putting me down, all i hear them say about people with mh issues is "if your going to kill yourself at least do a good job of it".. i hear these things every week and it destroys me inside.
This is me.
Kayden
0
Comments
I have offered some advice on your housing situation on your other post. Hope that helps
If it helps you to talk and use these boards for your thoughts, please do. We all here to listen and help where we can.
To echo Raich, if you start to feel vulnerable going to A&E, or getting in touch with Papyrus can help to keep you safe.
Sending lots of hugs *hug*
Nikki x
Thanks for replying, im not sure how long i need to wait for the counselling, my sarc worker said it would be a few weeks away. Thank you for those numbers, i will look into it.
Im unable to go to a&e as my mum works there. Im kind of stuck when im in crisis.
Firstly well done for coming on here and telling your story. We are all really proud of you! You've been through a lot and you're clearly an insanely strong person! It's really good that you took the steps to report the sexual abuse, it's something that people find really difficult so again well done
Look forward to hearing how the appointment went, and have a great day!
Drea
How did yesterday's appointments go? Did the housing options worker offer an alternative? I can ensure you thatyour situation will get better with time and to hold out for the right solution. Keep us updated, as we would love to help you get unstuck as best we can.
Nikki x
Well, my housing worker has no idea where to refer me now as ive been rejected by 3 organisations for housing which covers most of my city! Today i met with my alcohol worker.. her boss was in the meeting to tell me that they will no longer be supporting me because i mostly need help with housing and mental health even though i drink everyday.. so now im fucking ALONE.