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EUPD struggles (TRIGGER WARNING- mentions suicidal feelings)
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
As you may know I have Emotionally unstable personality disorder (Eupd), also called borderline personality disorder.
To me I frequently feel suicidal to varying degrees and can change very quickly to being okay to wanting to die etc. and it's often unexpected as when I'm doing better I think things are sorted then usually within a short time I'm suicidal again. It's been a while since I've not been suicidal for a full month, and sometimes I am for a full month or more at times.
My bad episodes are getting progressively worse as getting more risky and dangerous.
Well another bad episode happened on Friday, I was doing dangerous stuff - but It was failing and I got frustrated so not sure why but called mental health team. That day, within an hour of my call my CPN wished to see me, urgently at last minute.
So I saw her and she asked if I would be safe and if not if we need to consider putting me in a psychiatric ward- that freaked me out so I said yes I'll be safe, yet I knew as soon as I left I wanted to hurt myself.
So I left and I took an OD, then panicked went back to health centre told reception. Then my cpn came to see me again and she was very annoyed and went to speak to my psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wanted to see me , but he was running late and told I'd had to wait, which worried me as CPN said she wasn't sure if it would cause me harm at that amount but later told me well the doctor didn't phone an ambulance so doesn't think it's immediately serious.
Eventually I saw psychiatrist and CPN together in a meeting, asking me why I did what and I did as I planned beforehand to convince them I regretted it so I didn't end up in hospital. I did regret it a little as it panicked me but honestly didn't really regret it other than immediately after as got scared. Anyways, CPN did my blood pressure and I went home. I have weekly meds so I had a limit at to what I could use, yet she still said it was "Russian roulette" and although I ended up fine , other than very drowsy at the time, that there was still a risk of harm to myself, but I was lucky.
I'm feeling suicidal again but wouldn't do anything today as parents off. I was told if I do it again I get taken off meds, as daily not convenient and that no meds wouldn't be a good idea.
Now I'm thinking avoid my medication but still having suicidal thoughts and desires, I don't know if I will be stupid again.... but I wouldn't be surprised if I am.
To me I frequently feel suicidal to varying degrees and can change very quickly to being okay to wanting to die etc. and it's often unexpected as when I'm doing better I think things are sorted then usually within a short time I'm suicidal again. It's been a while since I've not been suicidal for a full month, and sometimes I am for a full month or more at times.
My bad episodes are getting progressively worse as getting more risky and dangerous.
Well another bad episode happened on Friday, I was doing dangerous stuff - but It was failing and I got frustrated so not sure why but called mental health team. That day, within an hour of my call my CPN wished to see me, urgently at last minute.
So I saw her and she asked if I would be safe and if not if we need to consider putting me in a psychiatric ward- that freaked me out so I said yes I'll be safe, yet I knew as soon as I left I wanted to hurt myself.
So I left and I took an OD, then panicked went back to health centre told reception. Then my cpn came to see me again and she was very annoyed and went to speak to my psychiatrist. The psychiatrist wanted to see me , but he was running late and told I'd had to wait, which worried me as CPN said she wasn't sure if it would cause me harm at that amount but later told me well the doctor didn't phone an ambulance so doesn't think it's immediately serious.
Eventually I saw psychiatrist and CPN together in a meeting, asking me why I did what and I did as I planned beforehand to convince them I regretted it so I didn't end up in hospital. I did regret it a little as it panicked me but honestly didn't really regret it other than immediately after as got scared. Anyways, CPN did my blood pressure and I went home. I have weekly meds so I had a limit at to what I could use, yet she still said it was "Russian roulette" and although I ended up fine , other than very drowsy at the time, that there was still a risk of harm to myself, but I was lucky.
I'm feeling suicidal again but wouldn't do anything today as parents off. I was told if I do it again I get taken off meds, as daily not convenient and that no meds wouldn't be a good idea.
Now I'm thinking avoid my medication but still having suicidal thoughts and desires, I don't know if I will be stupid again.... but I wouldn't be surprised if I am.
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