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Help?

Former MemberFormer Member MiniposterPosts: 129 The Mix Convert
in Health & Wellbeing
I have no idea what is going on in my head right now. I'm under a lot of pressure, because my prelims/mocks start next week, and I have to study, but I find myself repeatedly procrastinating (like now!) and it's leading me to believe that I'm not doing well enough, and that I'm going to fail every prelim and get put down a level (which is majorly bad.) It feels like there's a voice in my head which is always there to remind me how stupid I am, how if I don't do enough, I'll fail everything and get nowhere in life, how awkward I am in conversation and how my friends and others probably hate me and think I'm annoying. It also dredges up things from the past to remind me of mistakes or embarrassments I've made. I find myself struggling not to speak out loud or make it obvious that I'm trying to block it out, but now I'm questioning if it's actually my thoughts or I'm going crazy. It's so bad that I even feel myself thinking now that I'm just a failure destined for nowhere, and I've effectively physically punished myself by deliberately hitting myself on the head, knocking into things, hitting my hands off things and god knows what else because I made a simple (or big) mistake or sounded like an idiot when I've been talking to someone. I know this will get me nowhere, and probably cause damage, but I can't stand being stupid. Is this classed as self-harm? I also find myself just breaking down at times either instead of or after hitting myself and just crying uncontrollably while the voice in my head screams at me for being a pathetic mess. Some of you on here will know that I backed out of a counselling appointment last year because I wasn't ready. I think I'm ready now, but my mum thinks it's too expensive when she also has to pay for my maths tutoring, and it's pointless getting a GP referral because it takes a very long time. How else can I get help? I don't want this to muck up my exams and I feel like I have to put on an act when I'm around other people so they think I'm "okay."

Is this insanity?
Pumpkin

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Forgot to add this- I tell my mum about my feelings, but I haven't told her about the hitting yet. She'll probably want to get me sectioned, like she said when I told her I thought I heard a voice in my head. And I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic or needy.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    Hi pumpkin
    Im sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Firstly You are not stupid, crazy insane or pathetic and thats just stigma that makes us believe this but its completly not true and illness. Whih is hard to remind yourself but once you have you get more comfortable to say how you feel without feeling like youre being judge for being ill.
    Have you been to your gp to get a diagnosis? So you could atleats help you know what is wrong and then have somethinf to work on to get better. Because if you have a mental health problem this can cause a lack of motivation to do work. And not doing your work doesnt make you stupid it just might means your mental wellbeing is getting worse to stop you from doing it. Especally if you thinm you are hearing vioces. And maybe once you know that you can get better and woukd have more motivation to do your work.

    Does where you study know about how you are feeling or coping because you can always get extentions for dead line if yoy feel you cant do it on time

    And i would say what you are doing is self harm as you are intentionally hurting yourself. Which no one should feel like they have to do.

    If you cant afford counselling then i would suggest going to your gp for a refereal. The waiting lists can be long about 6 months but it would be better then nothing. And it goes very fast. But may get support while you wait from services. And if your case is serious you can go up waiting lists and make the waiting time sorter.

    Hope that helps
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Thanks for your help Shaunie

    I know I should go to the doctor, but that means telling my mum and I don't know how she'd react to finding out that I'm self-harming, I'd be nervous to tell her.

    My school doesn't know about my feelings, it doesn't have a counsellor and the guidance teachers say they aren't counsellors so can't help with your personal issues. But I don't really struggle to meet deadlines.

    Pumpkin
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 606 Incredible Poster
    Hi pumpkinpie how you feeling. I know exams are really stressful especially if you need a particular mark/grade prehaps you could talk to a teacher about you worries. I know they say they aren't there to help you with person problems but things to do with school they must. You could also prehaps talk to them in general and ask where to go from there. I'm not sure where you are from so I don't know how it works but in the West Midlands 16+ can go and seek doctors advice without permission from parents. Again not sure where you are but prehaps NHS counselling or sometimes some places have volunteer counselling services. I used one a few years back.

    You seem worried about your mums reaction. Is there anyone else in your family you could talk to about this?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Thanks One-in-a-million

    I'm doing okay thanks. It's not really the getting a specific grade part, it's the fact that I seem to be slower than everyone, and I'm worried about dropping marks I could have easily got because of missing questions. A teacher said I could ask for extra time, but my mum didn't think that was fair to anyone else. I don't know how old you need to be to go to the doctor without permission where I live, but there's no way I could do it without my parents finding out, they always worry and want to know where I am. I don't really have anyone else I can talk to, my dad works long hours, I'm an only child and my grandparents worry way more than my parents and will just tell them.

    I might tell my mum today. If I do, I'll tell you how it went.

    Pumpkin
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey pumpkinpie :)

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to get some support with all of this; although I do think you've been really brave in taking steps to reach out for it and to talk about things on here. Your school should have some arrangements in place to support you if your work is being affected, even if they don't have a designated person for you to talk to. It's okay to ask for the extra time if you feel you need it - have you discussed this any further with anyone at school?

    I'm glad you've been able to talk to your mum about some of your feelings; did you manage to speak to her about the rest? It sounds like you are willing to go and speak to your GP but worried about your mum finding out what it's about? Generally, you can see a GP on your own if they feel you are of sufficient age and are understanding and competent to do so without a parent's permission. Another option could be to request a telephone appointment if that would be easier?

    Let us know how you're doing :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Hi and thanks Raich

    I haven't discussed extra time with anyone else at school, and I reckon it's too late now because prelims start tomorrow-aah! I haven't talked to my mum yet, and there is no way I could go to a GP appointment without her finding out, I don't have enough time when she's out of the house, and she always wants to know where I am. I don't know if she checks my phone bill or not, so I don't want to risk a phone appointment. I'll just have to tell her. I've just got so much going on with school and friends, it's getting stressful.

    Wish me luck for next week!
    Pumpkin
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    I still can't tell my mum- don't know how to say it, I'm such a chicken. Can anyone help?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pumpkinpie wrote: »
    I still can't tell my mum- don't know how to say it, I'm such a chicken. Can anyone help?


    I dont think this makes you a chicken, its so hard to be able to talk about these things with anybody, but even more so when it comes to telling parents?
    What's scaring you most about telling them? if it's the face to face aspect and seeing them find out i find that writing it as a letter is really helpful.
    Let us know how it goes :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Thanks Hiccup

    I'm just worried that she'll say her usual "there's people worse off than you," tell me I should be sectioned, cry, tell me it's pointless going to the doctor because the counselling referral list is long or going to a counsellor because it's expensive, or just tell me there's nothing more she can do. I supposedly say the same things about how I feel according to her.

    Pumpkin
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
    Hey,

    Got all my prelim/mock results back- 5 passes (happy) and 2 fails (crap) so I'm feeling okay about how I'm doing, I just need to go to study support more! I tried to tell my mum how I feel, and she just kept saying things like "everyone feels like that" or "that's normal" which is really hacking me off, and when I told her not to say those things, she just walked out. I admitted I needed help, to which she said "I don't know where to take you" and it seems like she doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't understand. Is it pathetic that I don't want to phone the and cancel an induction appointment because I'm worried that they'll judge me for not wanting to exercise? My mum is refusing to do it and I really don't want to. I just want to try and get help, but I don't know how to even describe my feelings to my mum, because when I try, she sometimes says I need to be sectioned, and I don't think she's joking. I wish I could tell my friends, but I don't trust them and they'll probably not understand- one of them thought I was going to starve myself when I decided to eat healthier. And I don't want to tell a guidance teacher, because they say they're not counsellors and can only help with in-school issues. I wish there was a counsellor at my school.

    Pumpkin
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Pumpkin,

    Well done you on your results! Good to hear you sounding positive about these and a plan to get some more study support :yes:

    Really sorry to hear that you're finding it difficult to communicate things to your mum. Family members often struggle to understand, particularly when they don't really have much information about mental health. We have some info on Mental health and your family, which might help you to figure out a new way to approach talking about things with family or friends.

    It's tough trying to manage your mental health at school too when there isn't much support available. Is there a student health service you could go to for some advice? We also have a few other services available at The Mix, if you think it might help - http://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-advisors.

    You're doing really well by willing to reach out for support and communicate with others. Hang in there :heart:
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