Tw: suicidal thoughts

Former Member

I am struggling with my suicidal thoughts. I know how. There is no reason for it not to work provided I am alone. But our schedule is busy and I don't know when I will next be home alone. I wouldn't want a family member to find me. That is the main thing stopping me. I think about leaving and going to the woods to do it, but I cannot overcome my agoraphobia. I am very scared, confused and desperate to stay alive but terrified of asking for help. Yet here I am. Please help me.

Former Member

That does sound very confusing for you. Are you safe now? Do you want to pm me and talk to me about how you have planned to do it? I am here for you and listening out if there's anything you want to talk about.

Former Member

I am safe for now. I am not alone and I wouldn't do it with anyone here. Is it ok to pm you? I don't want to break any rules. Thank you

Former Member

Yes ofc it's OK to pm me. I don't mind at all. So please do

JustV

Heya Strix, and a huge huge well done for posting. It takes a lot of courage, even anonymously.

It's good of you to be mindful of the rules here - the content of PMs is between you and whoever you're talking to, and it's okay to talk about suicidal feelings on threads as long as any details of harmful behavior or talk of plans are kept to one side. It's important that anything publicly visible is safe for others in the community to read. There are also pinned threads at the top of each sub-forum which outline the guidelines for each area, so feel free to take a look at those if you're curious.

If you do find yourself in need of some support with those feelings and a chance to talk about them without restriction then we'd really recommend talking to Samaritans, Papyrus or I'm Alive (who also have a webchat service if you're not keen on the phone). Otherwise like I said you're welcome to talk about the feelings behind what you're expressing here, and we'll always be here for you to vent if you need to. :yes:

I can tell you're really hurting, and it must feel suffocating being trapped between all these different feelings as well as agrophobia on top of that. Have you had any professional support before? Is there anyone close to you that you talk to?

Do let us know how you get on, and I hope you manage to get through tonight okay. *hug*

Former Member

Thank you, Mike. I am very frightened and confused. I've been home alone today, and I've been going through the motions - I ate some food, did some exercise and had a shower. Part of me wants me to do it now before they get home. But we are having an early Christmas meal for my nan tonight before she goes to NZ, and I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like a ghost. I'm just going through the motions.

I do get professional "help" that I can't escape from. They say they can't just leave me alone. They threaten to put me away again all the time. I hate them, they ruined me. I can't tell anyone I know. I can't upset anyone like that. It would be wrong.

Former Member

I'm so glad that you talked to me lastnight. I'm on it replying back to you now in pm hold on

Former Member

Hey strixnebulosa,

Just checking in to see how you're doing? Sounds like you managed to keep busy and get through the day so well done you :yes:

What is it that worries you about reaching out for help or talking to someone you know? I can understand that it's a confusing and scary time for you right now; you're doing so great posting on here *hug*

Former Member

Hey strixnebulosa,
You've had quite a few replies already, but just wanted to let you know if you do feel like the help you're already getting isn't beneficial there are other places you can go to give you some help! Here are some links for you where you can talk to experts so they can help you through what you're going through. Very proud of you for speaking out about how you're feeling! Well done! Hope you have a much better day today
Drea

Links: http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/suicidal-thoughts.html

Former Member

Thank you both. I am struggling a lot. I'm working so hard to make myself feel ok - I'm eating, drinking, exercising, keeping myself occupied with housework. Yet the thoughts linger. I can see it in my mind. Whenever I am alone I think maybe I ought to do it now. I am doing everything I am supposed to do, yet I feel so horrible inside. It's so messed up.

I have to be careful who I talk to because I don't want to be put away again.

Former Member

Hey Strixnebulosa

It sounds like you're trying to help yourself, which is very positive. I'm sorry to hear your struggling so much. We are here for you.

It all sounds difficult for you, it's good you're reaching out for support on here though. You should be proud of yourself.

Keep posting if you feel it's helping you

Former Member

Thank you, I have decided it would be wrong to kill myself around Christmas and my mum's birthday (January). So I am safe until February.

Former Member

I'm glad you're safe until February