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Mental heath and responsabilities
Aurora
Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
Hello,
I feel like such a burden starting a thread on here, and I just don't really see the point in talking about issues, like it's not getting me anywhere, yes, at times it helps me offload everything going on in my fucked up mind. But most of the time, it's physically exhausting. But then, keeping it bottled up has only left me in hospital getting treatment for overdoses/self harm, etc. Recently things have been really tough, from those who know me from chat or even Facebook, will know I've pretty much been in and out of hospital, were I was restrained a fair bit to get treatment, not only did that leave me in agony and insanely bruised, at times I felt as though hospital security were about to break my wrist, yet, I kept fighting, because I knew, treatment was not what I wanted.
At the time, I'd lost my job, I'd fallen behind in Uni work, as I just didn't see the point, my boyfriend kicked off, with a massive row over me being to sensantive for him who basically forced me into sex when I didn't want it, because I was just too exhausted. But like always, he got his way, like two day before taking the overdose after having sex, he had left me in so much pain, that I was unable to get out of his bed and go home. Vodka helped to numb that pain a bit, and I managed to get myself into a Taxi a day after, but I felt disghusting and pretty much worthless. I didn't really want to talk to my parents, or anyone really, seeing my friends was exhausting enough, and I stopped seeing the point in it all. I just knew I didn't want to be here.
After 5 overdoses spread over a week, and treatment for three of them (Due to passing out) and a lot of running away from hospitals, because treatment meant staying alive, I was on the hunt by police officers, and I put my friends through hell, as I couldn't really run to mine, as often, I'd have my keys confiscated, etc. At one point, I'd ran out of hospital is slipper socks that hospitals provide to my friends, and the plan was to keep running, this was when I was told I was going to be sectioned under section 2 of the mental health act, I had already been sectioned under a hospital section to recieve treatment. I can't really remember a lot of it though. I was taken to a hospital an hour away from Uni, three hours away from my parents, which compared to where I was sectioned last time, wasn't too bad.
Through my section, I spent telling everyone I was fine, and got away with self harming, etc. I wanted to seem as though I was the happiest person on the ward, it worked, I got discharged with an appropriate care plan put in place. And I always cheered the patients up. Because goals.
I still feel suicidal, and I still want to kill myself, as I just don't see the point in being life, like there doesn't seem to be a purpose to it. Like I know where meant to go through life and create a purpose for ourselves, but then, whats the point, were going to loose everything anyway, and if were in pain we should just save the trauma, I don't see things getting better, I can pretend things are better, but it's never going to happen. Well, I don't see it happening. I've got a new job though, so it's keeping me busy, hopefully routine will help a bit, but then, I'm doing what I did last time, working to the point I'm physically exhausted, which isn't helping Uni work wise, but then, I just don't see the point. Like once we die, we loose everything in the end anyway. Like I don't see a future, other than being buried 10ft under.
I feel like such a burden starting a thread on here, and I just don't really see the point in talking about issues, like it's not getting me anywhere, yes, at times it helps me offload everything going on in my fucked up mind. But most of the time, it's physically exhausting. But then, keeping it bottled up has only left me in hospital getting treatment for overdoses/self harm, etc. Recently things have been really tough, from those who know me from chat or even Facebook, will know I've pretty much been in and out of hospital, were I was restrained a fair bit to get treatment, not only did that leave me in agony and insanely bruised, at times I felt as though hospital security were about to break my wrist, yet, I kept fighting, because I knew, treatment was not what I wanted.
At the time, I'd lost my job, I'd fallen behind in Uni work, as I just didn't see the point, my boyfriend kicked off, with a massive row over me being to sensantive for him who basically forced me into sex when I didn't want it, because I was just too exhausted. But like always, he got his way, like two day before taking the overdose after having sex, he had left me in so much pain, that I was unable to get out of his bed and go home. Vodka helped to numb that pain a bit, and I managed to get myself into a Taxi a day after, but I felt disghusting and pretty much worthless. I didn't really want to talk to my parents, or anyone really, seeing my friends was exhausting enough, and I stopped seeing the point in it all. I just knew I didn't want to be here.
After 5 overdoses spread over a week, and treatment for three of them (Due to passing out) and a lot of running away from hospitals, because treatment meant staying alive, I was on the hunt by police officers, and I put my friends through hell, as I couldn't really run to mine, as often, I'd have my keys confiscated, etc. At one point, I'd ran out of hospital is slipper socks that hospitals provide to my friends, and the plan was to keep running, this was when I was told I was going to be sectioned under section 2 of the mental health act, I had already been sectioned under a hospital section to recieve treatment. I can't really remember a lot of it though. I was taken to a hospital an hour away from Uni, three hours away from my parents, which compared to where I was sectioned last time, wasn't too bad.
Through my section, I spent telling everyone I was fine, and got away with self harming, etc. I wanted to seem as though I was the happiest person on the ward, it worked, I got discharged with an appropriate care plan put in place. And I always cheered the patients up. Because goals.
I still feel suicidal, and I still want to kill myself, as I just don't see the point in being life, like there doesn't seem to be a purpose to it. Like I know where meant to go through life and create a purpose for ourselves, but then, whats the point, were going to loose everything anyway, and if were in pain we should just save the trauma, I don't see things getting better, I can pretend things are better, but it's never going to happen. Well, I don't see it happening. I've got a new job though, so it's keeping me busy, hopefully routine will help a bit, but then, I'm doing what I did last time, working to the point I'm physically exhausted, which isn't helping Uni work wise, but then, I just don't see the point. Like once we die, we loose everything in the end anyway. Like I don't see a future, other than being buried 10ft under.
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Comments
I'm glad you feel talking is helping - so keep posting as and when you feel necessary.
It sounds like you're really struggling at the moment and either way you should be proud of yourself for talking about all of this! This whole website is for people to share what they're going through and you are not at all a burden in any way! We're all here to hear you and others out and try our best to make you feel better and help you. You're in the right place
As for what you're going through, it's completely understandable that you're scared and you don't want to be in the same position again. We can give you some places where you can go for help and it's all anonymous. It may be good to tell them exactly what you wrote here, so experts can talk to you and make sure you get the help you want without feeling uncomfortable! We are all here for you
Drea
Links:
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
http://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/suicide.php
Hello Kate,
Thank you for the quick reply, I swear, I can always rely on you to reply to me, it means a lot, I swear I've just been a total bitch to everyone here that nobody really likes me, wouldn't be surprised at all, I'm not the most likable person. Despite my new job giving me routine, I'm physically exhausted, to the point I'm struggling, due to doing extra hours, and no longer enjoying it, because, honestly, everyone around me in the work place make me feel like a pretty shit worker despite putting my heart and every ounce of energy I have, into the job. Only been there a week, done lodes of overtime, but I swear the other staff members can't actually stand me. I'm basically just a burden at work as well.
My post-hospital care plan is working well, however, the support I'm getting now, is overwhelming, to the point I really can't be asked, but I think it's down to being to tired to attend appointments etc. Because I can do an all nighter in the library, and go to sessions and not bother talking, because it seems pointless, and I understand that it's me wasting NHS resources and all that m'larkey, and I should be thankful for the support I'm getting, don't get me wrong, it helps at times just to unwind and let everything that I've allowed to consume me, out. I'm just to tired, tired of life, like I don't actually want to do anything, but if I stop, I'll just spiral out of control again. I am spiraling out of control in my mind, but because I'm so busy, I'm hiding it well. Like I can take overdoses and feel fine after a nights of rest. But recently, I've been in so much pain after overdoses, my body can't hack them, like midway through work, I will legit want to keal over, and I know I can't, so I fight through the pain. Which is silly, I know. But I'm poor as fuck, and need to keep this job til I successfully kill myself, because right now, I can't afford extra pills on top of my stash.
Again, thank you for replying Kate,
Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart
Hello Drea,
Thank you for getting back to me
I know I'm a burden, I feel a burden, I can sense that I am a burden to those around me, I hurt so many people when I get to the point when I'm so distressed I can't control it. I understand I need to seek support however, before I hit that point, but then talking to crisis feels as though, you actually have to be in a crisis situation, and I don't feel as though I'm in a crisis unless I've tried to ligature, taken an overdose, but then, when I get to that point, I can't really talk.
I have a lot of help, and I'm aware of services I can approach if needed, included anon ones. My care co-ordinator is aware of how I'm feeling at the moment due to being sectioned and all that m'larkey. I'm just exhausted, not going to lie, but I'm tired of putting a front on, knowing I have to, like at work, you have to be constantly smiling, willing to help out customers, etc. At Uni, not trying to have a mental breakdown any minute now, I've even stopped carrying pills in my bag, so I'm left with an agonizing headache, but if I go out and buy a pack, I will legit just take them all.
Thank you for the reply and support links,
Best wishes,
WhispersOfTheHeart
What would happen if you didn't take quite so many hours? I know you say you need the money, but would you be able to engage more with the support better if you weren't as tired? Would you be able to let out more of what is consuming you so much? Or would you feel comfortable asking them to tone it down with the support? Like I get it can go either way, either you feel comfortable with extra or you just feel crowded and it gets counter productive.
Is there anything that could stop you spiraling if you had more free time?
It's good to know someone who actually cares. I currently have £1.57 in my bank, so I need to rock up the hours right now, I get paid every 4 weeks, which makes it slightly more difficult, after going from being paid on a weekly basis. I don't think I'm tired due to work or Uni work, my sleeping has been really off, like I can go 4 days without sleep, and completely crash on day 5, I don't get why I'm struggling with sleep so much, I've tried reducing screen time, dimmed lights, no background noise, less caffeine, sleepy tea, herbal sleep tablets, prescribed sleeping tablets, nowt seems to be working though.
I've asked them to tone it town supportwise, which has been done, now it's seeing one person weekly, and a phone call; which feels better. But now they're going away for Christmas, so I'll be going from lots of support, to reduced support, to no support for two weeks, so not to sure how I feel about that. Kinda worried though.
I'm not to sure on the spiralling, I don't know what I could do, if anything.