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*TRIGGERING* suicidal ideation and risky behaviour

Hi,

Making another thread as need to speak about stuff and a bit of a release too.

Been very suicidal recently (again :( ). Really been wanting to die but things have been getting worse. I'd say I'm deteriorating mentally, a lot. I have become "braver" at taking risks, as even when I had suicidal plans and was sure I would do it in past, fear of the act always stopped me. But recently I have got much braver, I've been putting myself in risky and dangerous situations on purpose a lot recently (won't specificy details to stay within rules and for other's sake etc.)- and although I haven't been harmed by them, I have been VERY CLOSE to getting at least seriously injured (like bad enough to need an ambulance etc.). It would make sense with what it is, but not sharing as I said for obvious reasons. I'm also not feeling that scared anymore, and combined with wanting to die ...... I think I'm much more likely to succeed in seriously harming (if not killing myself, although that's the intention). (This risk has been in my past suicide plans).

Additionally there is another risky behaviour , like a type of self harm which can be lethal if taken too far (Won't be specific again). And I've thought about this a lot, in my suicidal ideation (this form of self harm, and it's been apart of my suicide plans in past also). Anyways, yesterday I did it in a milder form successfully for the first time ever, and now I've realised its much easier to do than I thought. And keep having thoughts of doing it in a greater level , that would be lethal to kill myself. And I've got plans to do this form of self harm again even at a non-lethal level but at a higher level than the previous time, even if I don't succeed in doing it to such a high level that I would die- as I've plans to use this as practice, gradually build up this forms of self harm- until it's successful in killing me. Problem is, I'm limited as this is an area that the mental health team (and my GP) can limit in a way - meaning the "tool" (not specificying what it is, and it isn't actually like a literal tool e.g. Screwdriver) meaning I only have a limit to how lethal I can make it, and to be honest don't even know if the worst I can do with it would be lethal (in that quantity) but I'm pretty sure if not it would at least make me very sick medically. And I really want to do this form of self harm , I had an urge to do it today but never as my tool wasn't in poccession today. And now I've been to pick up more of this tool today so have access to it and have plans to do it tomorrow (not sure how far I will take it though). And this tool I'm using, is actually supposed to help people when used correctly and that is why I have it, but I'm thinking of abusing it's correct usage.

So that leaves me, feeling suicidal and feeling more able to take steps to hurt myself at least, and maybe even kills myself.

Comments

  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    I'm not making sense of what it is. Is it od? I'm getting really strong urges to stab a knife in my arm at the moment.

    I hope you don't kill yourself😔
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sorry to hear your having strong urges also, do you have a way to cope with it!

    That's one thing, yes. Trying not to be obvious , for obvious reasons.
  • LostsenseLostsense Posts: 1,329 Wise Owl
    Well I haven't got a knife so that's what is stopping me from doing it at the moment.

    Yes I understand not being too obvious.
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    Steph95 wrote: »
    I'm not making sense of what it is. Is it od? I'm getting really strong urges to stab a knife in my arm at the moment.

    I hope you don't kill yourself😔

    Hey Steph,
    Sorry to hear you're feeling like harming yourself - have you got any support around you at the moment?

    I also just wanted to say that we try not to mention methods or anything on the boards to try and not trigger people - as different people are triggered by different things.

    Please feel free to keep posting :)
  • plugitinplugitin Noob Posts: 2,197 The Mix Regular
    apandav wrote: »
    Hi,

    Making another thread as need to speak about stuff and a bit of a release too.

    Been very suicidal recently (again :( ). Really been wanting to die but things have been getting worse. I'd say I'm deteriorating mentally, a lot. I have become "braver" at taking risks, as even when I had suicidal plans and was sure I would do it in past, fear of the act always stopped me. But recently I have got much braver, I've been putting myself in risky and dangerous situations on purpose a lot recently (won't specificy details to stay within rules and for other's sake etc.)- and although I haven't been harmed by them, I have been VERY CLOSE to getting at least seriously injured (like bad enough to need an ambulance etc.). It would make sense with what it is, but not sharing as I said for obvious reasons. I'm also not feeling that scared anymore, and combined with wanting to die ...... I think I'm much more likely to succeed in seriously harming (if not killing myself, although that's the intention). (This risk has been in my past suicide plans).

    Additionally there is another risky behaviour , like a type of self harm which can be lethal if taken too far (Won't be specific again). And I've thought about this a lot, in my suicidal ideation (this form of self harm, and it's been apart of my suicide plans in past also). Anyways, yesterday I did it in a milder form successfully for the first time ever, and now I've realised its much easier to do than I thought. And keep having thoughts of doing it in a greater level , that would be lethal to kill myself. And I've got plans to do this form of self harm again even at a non-lethal level but at a higher level than the previous time, even if I don't succeed in doing it to such a high level that I would die- as I've plans to use this as practice, gradually build up this forms of self harm- until it's successful in killing me. Problem is, I'm limited as this is an area that the mental health team (and my GP) can limit in a way - meaning the "tool" (not specificying what it is, and it isn't actually like a literal tool e.g. Screwdriver) meaning I only have a limit to how lethal I can make it, and to be honest don't even know if the worst I can do with it would be lethal (in that quantity) but I'm pretty sure if not it would at least make me very sick medically. And I really want to do this form of self harm , I had an urge to do it today but never as my tool wasn't in poccession today. And now I've been to pick up more of this tool today so have access to it and have plans to do it tomorrow (not sure how far I will take it though). And this tool I'm using, is actually supposed to help people when used correctly and that is why I have it, but I'm thinking of abusing it's correct usage.

    So that leaves me, feeling suicidal and feeling more able to take steps to hurt myself at least, and maybe even kills myself.

    Big *hug* apandav - you've been really brave to post here, I know how hard it can be when you're feeling really low.

    Do any of your support systems know how you're feeling right now? Could any of them step up the support or how often you see them through this tough time? I used to speak to my GP a lot more when I was feeling low and they were able to help me through - might this work for you?
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    plugitin wrote: »

    Big *hug* apandav - you've been really brave to post here, I know how hard it can be when you're feeling really low.

    Do any of your support systems know how you're feeling right now? Could any of them step up the support or how often you see them through this tough time? I used to speak to my GP a lot more when I was feeling low and they were able to help me through - might this work for you?


    Thanks Kate,

    Yes MH team well aware, been phoning them mostly twice a week. And got psychiatrist app. moved forward to wed (as they made it an urgent one). Well I don't think so as got told off by MH team once for going to GP when suicidal as they said I should call them. (GP ended up sending me to see them (the MH team))- so it always leads back to them
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    they are very strong :(
  • Cat88Cat88 Moderator Posts: 377 Boards Initiate
    Hey apandav I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Have you spoken to Samaritans recently? Please do call them if you're getting urges this strong, or even take yourself to A&E if you feel unsafe. Please remember you can talk on here as much as you like - we really want to help you.

    How have the MH team responded to these stronger feelings? Are you finding them helpful?
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Cat- I'm just back from A & E actually been there since about 10am, .....................it was horrible! And now I feel like they are making it out I just want somebody to talk to and i genuinely went due to feeling suicidal , i was going to do it

    No I'm sat crying so much, they told me to go back to uni but the lecture started and I couldnt face it
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I want to OD like I planned to before A & E , im supposed to try stuff but I want to give up
  • MikeMike Community Manager Posts: 4,099 Community Veteran
    Hey apandav,

    Getting the impression that the visit to A&E left you and your thoughts feeling a bit... misunderstood? It can be so difficult for an outsider to our situation to understand what's happening inside our heads. Sometimes the best people can do with their expertise (particularly at A&E where they're not as experienced with mental health) is encourage you to talk things through with someone, even if you know yourself that you had serious intentions that day and that it was bigger than they realise. I know that probably doesn't help at this point, but it can be worth reminding ourselves of these things if we get frustrated.

    When you say you're supposed to try stuff, by the way, what are you referring to? :chin:

    How are you feeling today? Hoping things have looked up, even if it's just the tiniest bit. *hug*
    Taking a break 🌈
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Yes Mike, I feel very misunderstood by them. Thing is although I spoke to a medical doctor initially- I also got a visit from the psychiatric liason team- which was 2 MH nurses (CPNs) : they are specialised in the area, yet still misunderstood me :(

    To be honest, I am wanting to give up for real but this time I'm not planning on contacting anyone beforehand- life is getting too much!

    I am supposed to try distracting myself, the nurses at the liason team (and on times I've called MH team) say stuff like go for a walk, plan one daily. And a lot of them say focus on uni work and attend classes for distraction. On that topic I have exams in a few weeks and I am the most unprepared I have ever been in my life- literally only done a couple of slideshows out of probably about 40 in total over both subjects. And that's not the reason I want to die, but as I want to die now this is whats "partly" (not fully) making it more immenent that I kill myself even more VERY SOON- just don't want to face them, especially as I feel my life is doomed either way so I might as well do it soon! And on top of it my emotions are just too much for me to handle anymore.

    Honestly, I'm feeling bad, woke up this morning making plans in my head to end my life. Things are not looking up!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey, please dont kill yourself, ik things may feel shit atm but i promise you things will get better, ik idk you but everything will be okay because ive been there to. suicide isnt the anwser and i hope your okay... things will get better. :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    thanks for your message _e12345_

    I just don't see any hope for me, its gone on too long!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you don't go is all I can say, it's not much but I'm sending you a cyber-hug anyway *hug*:heart:
    I think you probably feel like this :banghead:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thank you :heart:

    and yeah I do lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    😊:heart:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Just had psychiatrist appointment not long ago- I'm getting assigned to a CPN who I will see weekly, for more regular support.

    Also I got my new medication - Promethazine upped. Previously I was to take 25 mg "as and when required" but now I've to take 50mg every day (no matter what) and can take an additional 25mg on top of that, later in the day as and when required. Also they are keeping me on 40mg citalopram daily too.

    To be honest I am really nervous about taking more medication and using it daily, especially as it is a drowsy drug (has mild sedatory effects) but psychiatrist said I will get used to it more.

    Also he told me I was doing really well- as he thinks its good that I'm phoning MH team when I need extra support and feel in crisis. Also he said it is great that I am still attending uni, and said I am doing much better in that sense compared to other patients (just meaning as in "trying harder"). I don't particularly agree, but it was reassuring sort of for him to say that, if it makes sense.

    He also said it's hard enough having one of EUPD and Autism Spectrum Disorder alone, yet I have both (I have an unoffical diagnosis of ASD, they are very sure but still awaiting assessment) and he said it must be difficult for you.

    He also phoned the autism team, and although I am still on their waiting list- I am at the top so hopefully be seen in January at latest, but I may even be seen before christmas holiday.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Been feeling very suicidal again, but now the mh team wont talk to me on phone properly anymore. As the women said I have a CPN now (as of thursday next week) and its best to stick to same person. Yet again I am so misunderstood by professionals and I want to cry.

    Plus exams in less than a week and I don't want to do them as so unprepared.

    Hence in a viscous cycle
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Really sorry to hear you're feeling this way again Amanda *hug* Seems like you've been feeling this way a lot recently and it sounds like it's a really tough time for you. Why won't the MH team talk to you on the phone anymore properly, whats happened?

    Is there anything they can do to help between now and next Thursday if its still going to be another week until you see the CPN? Sounds really frustrating for you that you keep getting misunderstood by the professionals. What's the biggest thing on your mind at the moment, is the exams you've got coming up? What kind of things could you do to prepare for them between now and then, is there anything you can think of?

    It's good that you're talking this through and getting your thoughts down here :yes:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Steph- thanks for your reply, as they say it's about "continuity of care". Well I mean they will answer the phone, but don't help and just say you've been assigned a CPN, more or less.

    Going to copy a think I wrote on another thread:

    " My emotions are in a whirlwind, and been feeling like I want to die a lot (having an extremely bad episode over past few weeks, but to be honest I get like this a lot). Its not the reason why, but my upcoming exams (5th and 6th dec) and the fact I've barley studied ( and I haven't been able to due to concentration problems, linked to how I feel and my thoughts, its a cycle). Actually yesterday, I ended up at A & E again, I was doing silly things and kinda told someone at uni disability service, and they got the uni's first aid people to chat to me- and like they said they wanted me to go to A&E so I went with the disability service manager lady to A &E - what a waste of time, I only went as uni wanted me to. And they ended up contacting my CPN (just got assigned one a few days ago) and the uni have been told, to contact my CPN if I express these thoughts again, instead of sending me to A &E. I was very emotional and also I kept saying well - when I try to focus on present, I have exams and I can't do them. I have been told by the disability service manager/advisor- to forget about uni all weekend, don't study even though my exams are soon- as although it isn't the cause it is triggering me and setting off other stuff. She said we (her, my assigned disability advisor at uni and myself) will have a meeting on Monday about my exams, and how the uni can help me (as my MH very poor right now).

    Outside of that - I'm meeting my CPN on Thursday (who coincidentally I met once at an urgent app. before I even had a CPN). I spoke to her when she was on desk duty on the past- she says I've to focus more on living. Life is so hard at the moment, and I'm very sad now- as my CPN said on the phone yesterday that I am "going to feel suicidal often as it's part of my condition (eupd) but its about managing it". It makes me feel sad, I hate the "management" word, makes me feel like I am going to have to face this crap emotions and thoughts :/ and nobody believes me that I am doomed, they just say it's my negative thinking, and I know it is negative thinking logically, but it's so real to me :/

    So yeah this weekend is about "coping""


    So I am supposed to not study this weekend, and try to cope :(

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