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Hospital ruined me

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Health & Wellbeing
Is it ok to feel like being in psych hospital ruined you? The memories of running away and being forcibly returned, the lies the staff told, they way the psychiatrist tried to provoke you, the way they are so trigger happy with restraint, etc. It's been over 2 years but the fear and the resentment remains. The humiliation of being handcuffed and restrained in public. It makes me so ashamed of myself and I want to erase all evidence and memories. Can anyone relate? Is this normal? How do I move on?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Part of the furniture Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    Hey there Strixnebulosa,

    I really get where you're coming from with this, I still get flashbacks from when I was in there, being someone who is quite vulnerable, and being treated the way I had been left me more traumatized than better. It's awful being handcuffed in public and escorted out, it's worst when it's in day light. The whole mental health system felt like a joke while I was on my section, and often if can help to talk to someone about your experience, if you have anyone close to you you can turn to? Like I don't recommend keeping it bottled in, as that really doesn't help, personally made me a lot worst and not trust anyone. You wouldn't think shame and humiliation would be such major impacts, but they are, but I can assure you, you are not alone, and we are here for you if you want to talk about whats going on, or what happened during your section?

    Sadly I don't know how to move on from it, as it is insanely difficult, but I know keeping it bottled in, really doesn't help.

    Were here for you,
    Best wishes,
    WhispersOfTheHeart
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First things first, I am so sorry that you had bad experiences too. But I am so relieved to hear that I'm not alone. I've spent so long trying to find others who have been badly affected. I don't feel there is anyone I can talk to about this because I am embarrassed to admit that my agoraphobia is caused by something most people just get over.

    I was sectioned a lot of times (136, 2, 3). I feel embarrassed because of one time after another patient I was friends with had run away and was brought back on a 136, I was chatting to her to try to make her feel better, and she said "at least I'm not as bad as you" and pointed out how many times I'd been sectioned. It makes me feel like I am a burden on society, and I am ashamed to have been detained so many times. And then I feel guilty because I want to know someone who has been sectioned more than me, which is such a horrible and selfish thing to say.

    I would run away from hospital a lot because when I was quite unwell I didn't really understand that they couldn't just let me go home, so I would wait for an opportunity and leg it. I struggled to realise that it made it worse. I was all muddled up at the time, not thinking clearly and acting on the commands my voices gave me and my impulses to escape and go home.

    My memories can be a bit distorted. There are massive gaps where I cannot for the life of me remember what I did and what happened, yet other parts seem to be remembered in HD, and they get replayed in my head over and over.

    Some things stand out in my mind, and I scour my memories agonising over what I should have done, feeling so ashamed, wishing I could change it and getting so angry that I can't. There was one time when I didn't go back to the hospital after being on leave and they sent the police to get me. The man coaxed me outside, saying he could help me be released from hospital properly, then put me on a 136 once I was technically in public. I have high functioning autism and personal space is very important to me, so I panicked when he held my arm which meant handcuffs and in the car I tried to get out so he put me in a headlock.

    I know I shouldn't have panicked and I agonise over it thinking how stupid I was. I don't like people in my personal space, let alone strangers grabbing me. I should have stayed calm. I was so stupid. And I feel it was excessive, a bit much for a 16 year old girl. Ok, I was quite strong, having been a swimmer for years, but not that strong. And perhaps the worst part is knowing my neighbours saw me. I dread to think how they regard me. I am just so ashamed. I don't ever want any of them to see me again.

    Is this stupid? There are a lot of times that I try to figure out. I try to reason with myself, tell myself that people will have forgotten, but it doesn't make me feel any better. But being able to say it here is such a huge relief. I just don't want to feel alone with this. The word 'abscond' fills me with dread and shame, hearing a siren makes me want to cry, the fear that it could happen again consumes me. I never want to be in a hospital ever again. I get so angry thinking about hospital. Particularly knowing it might be happening to others as we speak.

    I tried to bring it up with the psychiatrist. I was vague, saying I am scared of going out because of what happened. He was confused and looked at my care co-ordinator and said something like 'I didn't know anything happened'. So I am scared of admitting that not going outside for over 2 years is because of this. It feels pathetic. No one will be able to take me seriously.

    Thank you so much for giving me a chance to get this out. I've been keeping it in and it controls me. I want to be able to move on with my life. I am fed up of living in the past.
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