Please kill me now

apandav

want to die, am trying to but not managing to get guts to do it but it's all I can think about.

Former Member

So sorry to hear you feel this way apandav.
Could you tell us a but more about what's been going on? We're here if you need us

apandav

Thanks Hiccup appreciated!

Having another extreme down, probably due to EUPD- this always happens I go in cycles, and always get to this stage over and over again!

Yet again I feel I really want to give up and don't care enough for my life. I just don't want it, I don't have any hope at all, and for so long focusing on the moment helped a little , but lets be honest I just want to die.

Spoke to some person at advice hub at uni today, and somehow went to my last few lectures (although paid no attention at all, was just there, feeling sad, thinking I want to die etc.) and had lunch with friends (like the nurse at MH team said I should do when I phoned earlier. Although I've been carrying around my meds and holding on to them in my hand today, telling myself to just take it but I haven't. Although I still want to. Conflicted- too scared to take the step but its all I want! I did walk on a few roads, but no cars so still alive

apandav

MH team nurse said its the same thing all the time with you, she told me I need to focus on living and making the most of life, instead of dying but just can't.

At times the thought of dying makes me happy, and I feel I want to run onto roads. Right now I'm plain depressed, yet I also want to kill myself, but I feel it much more now- I just want it!!!

apandav

Did a mindmap on my computer about my life and how I feel about it: I shall post here in word form:

Life

family

feel distant from them

feel like I don't want to be around them

mums upset me and called me names

friends

feel so distant from school friends

don't want to see school friends anymore

uni friends I see at uni- but don't feel strong enough connection for that to make me live

uni

What's the point as I don't feel good enough to get a job there

Don't want to work in a lab yet do a science degree

work
No appeal to any jobs Don't feel good enough to get a job

Lack confidence
leisure and hobbies

-Don't enjoy much
- No hobbies -Can't keep new hobbies up that I try

- Lack of motivation
me

-Don't enjoy life

-Put on weight- so fat- I can't stop comfort and binge eating

-I hate myself
-I want to hurt myself

-I don't value myself
-I feel pointless
home

-I don't want to live with my parents, prefer to be alone
-If I can't get a job, I can't move out/ may become homeless

apandav

apologies tried to edit but I just don't have it in me to fix so all jumbled up

apandav

I can't take it, I can't take it, I can't take it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL I WANT IN LIFE RIGHT NOW IS TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Former Member

I've no idea what to say right now apart from letting you know we care and offering a big hug. You've been through a lot of dark times and you've always come out the other end - you can do that again. What support do you have in place if any?

The point is you're worth it. You're important. You are. It might not feel like it and I know it's impossible to believe when you're feeling so desperate but you are extremely kind and you have such a big heart. Try and connect with those people that will give off such positivity because it's one of the ways you can and will get through this.

Try and find some groups or activities to fill your time a bit - stuff that you enjoy. I know it's the last thing you want to think about when you're feeling low and lacking motivation but it helps to pull you out of that rut and I think it's quite rewarding when you push yourself to do something you don't entirely want to do.

*hug*

Lostsense

Are you there?

apandav

Thanks butterfly - I have MH team numbers and see psychiatrist every few months now. Private therapy but I can't confide in anyone non official.

Yes Steph, still here unfortunately - spent full day sleeping yesterday, took my drowsy med to help. Purposely slept to escape. And it's Monday tomorrow and tbh I'm ready to go.

Not only am I feeling that way, can't handle mum - another difficult convo last night.

apandav

To be honest - kinda have suicide plans now

apandav

I'm very sure now, I know what I need to do. I need to refrain from telling people eg. MH team so I'm not convinced otherwise and I don't want locked up either.

apandav

Logically- I think I need help, I'm going to be in urgent crisis soon. But my mind says do it, it will save all problems. Yet I'm thinking now it's so selfish

Former Member

You're worth so much. You don't need plans. I'm not dismissing how you're feeling - you're clearly in a very low place right now. I would urge you to talk to your worker though and get the help you need and deserve. Nobody will think you're crazy, nobody will lock you up, nobody will even think you're selfish because you're not, you're none of those things. You just need the help and support that you're worthy of and with that, you'll soon be able to take on the world. Sure you'll still have bad days but the good can outdo those if you accept the help and work on yourself.

apandav

I did make myself phone crisis line- they said distract myself, read over study stuff. I'm sitting at my laptop crying, I can't do this :crying:

The good days don't make me want to stay, I'm so numbed of good emotions and feel disconnected from the world. Additionally stress makes me just want to get away - the pressure for parents to get a job, I'm not good enough, I keep getting by but im tierd of it, its a rubbish quaility of life. I don't give a shit about uni anymore, as it aint going to get me anywhere- I dont feel able to live a life, and face life. I want to goooo..................

Lostsense

I know it might seem a bit short but when they're that intense can you take your "drowsy med"?

apandav

I can, but my mind is very set and like when i make up my mind, i struggle to change it back- like i get so set- if you know what i mean

Lostsense

What that your going to kill yourself?

apandav

yes I normally don't manage in the end, but I don't know to be honest.......... It's stuck in my mind

Lostsense

Have you had telephone counselling through TheMix? I talk to a lovely lady was every week now it's every fortnight well I've got 2 sessions left. Then I've had 12 max I can have.

You can apply on the homepage?

apandav

That's good that it helps!

I can't as am having therapy already.

apandav

:crying: can't cope anymore, I tried to reach out and it doesn't help, they don't understand. I can't do this anymore...

Lostsense

Who did you try to reach out to?

Watch I'm a celebrity get me out of here (I know it might cross your mind that the building they are walking across the plank is soooooo tall) but the concentration you'll put into watching it will distract you

Lostsense

I've taken my drowsy meds so I'll see you around on the boards tomorrow my lovely.

Hugest of hugs x

apandav

My MH team.

Tense morning.......

Former Member

What's happening? *hug*

apandav

Plans for today,got scared never followed through - spoke to student health nurse and MH team this morn- now in practical class but have special arrangements to leave and access to the first aid room for time out - which is what I'm doing now sitting in their first aid/welfare room

James

Heya, how are you doing apandav?

Did you stay in the first aid room for long?

Really sorry to hear that things are so hard right now. These thoughts seem pretty intense and overwhelming for you, so it sounds like you're doing really well to keep your MH team in the loop. How are you finding your MH team?

apandav

Hi James,

Stayed for about 20mins, really tough day and I'm kinda getting worse (like riskier and stuff) and been in tears a lot, still want to die and it's getting really bad. I went back to speak to student health nurse at 3 and she said I can come see her tomorrow too. I'm very sad, thought today would be the day. I don't see any other solutions.

Not helpful - the MH team, they make me more frustrated and they aren't helpling, they keep saying same stuff the whole time and are obsessed with safe plans, but the reasons I keep feeling this way is due to longer term stuff that doesn't go away, and all this safe plan stuff and distractions are not helping.

apandav

I'm safe for tonight as somehow made it home,but I was unsafe earlier today (like worst ever) and nearly got .......... cause I was being unsafe on purpose. So close but still here, unfortunately I told MH team I'd stay safe but I wasn't staying safe.

apandav

Suicidal ......AGAIN :no: