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Feeling lost.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Honestly I don't know whats wrong with me, on one hand I'm up and down half the time and on the other I'm neutral.
I feel like I need help but I don't know if I'm just being self obsessed and think that somethings wrong with me when it might not be.

I feel as if I have no reason to feel empty or hollow as I haven't experienced anything serious that could affect me like that but somehow I feel worthless and that I'm not part of anything. Its not like i don't have good friends because I do and I know they are there for me but I don't want to drag them down with me so I usually cut people off and isolate myself so they don't get held back. I used to go out every weekend with all my friends and now I just stay in and use excuses to not go so they don't ask me anymore which i brought on myself and feels like punishment for not being good enough.

I once told one of my friends I self harmed and she laughed at me and Ive found it difficult to ever trust her again, I feel like maybe I am a joke. I am nearly two years clean but i still feel the urge now and again. I used to get drunk every weekend to distract myself but now I end up doing drugs whenever I do go out with my friends as they are quite drug orientated. I can easily say no as have had sober nights around them but I enjoy the feeling of being good and part of something. (I am a couple weeks sober as keeping away from drugs but i believe this has no effect on my mental health as i am not an abuser but the occasional user and have felt this way before drugs so I know that I wasn't mentally balanced before)

The only time i can talk to my friend who used to be my best friend is when we're off our faces and she told me she cut me off because she saw how impressionable I was and she didn't want her issues to spread to me which kills me because I know my mental issues are the reason she pushed me back. Since then I go through phases of eating the minimum or eating some bad food and then having to exercise to get rid of the guilt I have. I try to go to the gym everyday to make sure I don't put on any weight and smoke so I'm not as hungry.

I don't know who I am anymore I'm not motivated to do anything and will fail my a levels if I carry on like this, my parents expect so much from me and Ive always wanted to go to Uni but at this rate I won't be getting in. Im not stupid Im just unmotivated and feel empty so all I do at home is absorb myself in social media wasting time and procrastinating from work.

Does anyone else feel this way or have managed to get out of feeling like you're in a hole?

Comments

  • JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,284 Part of The Furniture
    Hey anon,

    Firstly, welcome to The Mix discussion boards. :wave: It's brave of you to share what's going on with us, so props to you.

    It sounds like there's an awful lot going on for you at the minute, and I get the impression you're under quite a lot of pressure/stress?

    When we're struggling with our mental health, one of the easiest things to do is doubt ourselves. The huge social stigma coupled with the fact that we can't tangibly identify a cause can make things really hard to process and accept. That said, people are generally good at knowing when something is wrong (either with our bodies or our minds), and it's worth trusting that instinct you seem to have. Also, not knowing why you're feeling a certain way doesn't necessarily invalidate the fact that you are feeling that way. We can't control that, right? So it's worth paying attention to and trying to remedy. :)

    It's unfortunate that your friend didn't respond well to you opening up to her about your self harm, but I have to say I commend you on being clean for two years - that's hugely impressive! Without meaning to sound patronising, a massive well done.

    I also just wanted to say that while education is of course important, your health should be paramount. I really hear the pressure you must be under with college and uni prospects looming over you, as well as expectations from parents, but ultimately your mental health is the bedrock to all of that. Have you ever received any professional support for any of the things you mentioned above? Or maybe managed to talk to someone other than your friend?

    Huge well done again for posting, and I hope you're well. Let us know how things are going. *hug*
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, just knowing I've made a step in the right direction has helped me get a bit of clarification.
    I have not got any professional advice on anything as I am still undecided whether or not it is just a phase which has just unfortunately dragged itself out.
    Still feeling lost but trying to find my bearings.
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