Feeling depressed.....

Former Member

Not really been posting as much recently, I know its me again

I just don't really know how to explain how I feel very well, I used to be better at expressing myself, but recently I've been trying to get on more and manage my feelings more (I don't really phone helplines that much anymore), but I just don't feel right inside.....

I feel very sad and feel a horrible depression coming on again inside.....

I'm also don't know maybe its the BPD, I'm not sure but I do feel so depressed right now. I haven't been able to express myself but I need to try, as I feel very alone right now!

I just want to cry I'm not sure exactly why, but things are hard, life is a struggle.

As you probably know I get suicidal thoughts a lot, to varying degrees and almost reach crisis point so often (too often, like at least once a month but normally more). I am trying so hard, I'm having suicidal thoughts again (well to be honest I'm lucky if i get a week without any) but this time I am telling myself to keep going and not give in to, and trying so hard to almost get to crisis (when I say this I mean at my worst I have plans and my plans are getting worse when they do, as I sometimes decide I will do it the next day and am convinced I will).

But I had suicidal thoughts again last night/ morning whilst I was lying in bed and I dunno I'm just very drained by managing my emotions and suicidal thoughts and stuff its taking its toll, and I feel very depressed- but also a weird emptiness inside: like everything feels pointless, yet I just am pushing myself to get on with life this time, but in reality inside I have so much emotional pain and just don't want to be alive anymore.

For a while I phoned helplines a lot when I felt down, but I kinda realised it doesn't help (well not anymore, if it did) and I haven't called in about 2 weeks. And before that day I phoned 4 times (but I was having suicide plans etc.) I never called the past 2/3 weeks etc, so I have cut down and am so trying hard to manage things, but I feel so alone I started reaching out to a friend recently, but its not really helping and I kinda feel its affecting my friendship as I just want to avoid my friends who know stuff - I don't mean to, I just don't feel much towards them (like I don't know the word, not "love" but the thing friends have between each other, thats equivalent to love between people in a relationship, but obiously not as strong as love, maybe its affection or something).

I also feel suicidal thoughts and the idea of harming myself makes me feel happy(temporarily) , yet the idea of doing things that are supposed to be "nice" like relaxing make me sad- its as though my emotions are opposites to what they are supposed to be.

My current situation is I have a diagnosed of "EUPD (other name for BPD) with probable autism spectrum disorder". Currently I see a psychiatrist every 4-6 weeks, but all my support is riding on autism team as MH team keep saying they will help me. Although I still need to be assessed (but MH team thinks its likely, and I do too as I match a lot of criteria and it would explain stuff even from childhood). Anyways I'm still waiting on them, and don't know whats happening with my appointment as they "aim" to see me end of oct/start of nov BUT it may be later now- I tried to phone them but they confused me, its complicated!

I'm depressed and struggling with life, and I'm trying to manage it. It may be due to a variety of reasons, including BPD and the effects of being likely autistic OR maybe its irrelevant, I don't know BUT my point is I'm struggling no matter what it is!!! I just want to cry :crying:

Former Member

If I can't think of how I'm feeling/finding it hard to express myself. I think in pictures and type the words in on google and find a picture or a quote of what I'm feeling right now and I've been showing the home treatment team.

It's OK to struggle and it's OK to cry.

Former Member

Steph95 wrote: »

If I can't think of how I'm feeling/finding it hard to express myself. I think in pictures and type the words in on google and find a picture or a quote of what I'm feeling right now and I've been showing the home treatment team.

It's OK to struggle and it's OK to cry.

Never thought of that idea, thanks

Former Member

I know, your probably sick of me now but I have no one to talk to and feel so alone.....

I just feel things are probably going to go wrong and I know I was in better spirits earlier today but I just feel I want to die. I found out that my autism referral requires my parent to attend, and although they know about that I worry they will find out very thing else and if so I'm in a lot of trouble, especially from mum- I'm very scared!! And then my mum asked me if I still get suicidal thoughts yesterday unexpectedly , I lied and said no- they think everything is better now but I can't tell them due to last time.

I'm at the stage I just want to get away from parents and trying to come up with an emergency plan to get away from them if I have to and I'm even considering living on the streets. Then I think for what? My life will end up crap anyways .....


I want to die , I feel overwhelmed and can't talk to anyone

Former Member

Mum said something this morning and I can't get out out my mind, it's upset me and now I feel its triggering a whole load of other stuff in my mind, upsetting me more

Full day of lectures and feel

Former Member

Sometimes I think why have I not took my life yet,

Just about to start crying on the bus

Former Member

Question- if I was involved in an accident hypothetically, how would they know it's an accident or not (as in I wanted to take my life but make it look like an accident).

A few weeks ago when I had a plan the CPN at the phone line told me even if I made it look like an accident there would be investigations and my parents would find out it wasn't an accident. So if I was genuinely in an accident how would they know the difference?

Former Member

Hi apandav - I'm so sorry you're feeling so down again.

Firstly - please don't every feel you need to apologise for posting on here, it's what we're here for, and I'm so glad you can talk to us even if you feel there is no-one else.

I know you've tried much of the advice we've given before, but please do remember Samaritans, Papyrus etc are there for this exact reason too. It's a shame you don't find it helps, but don't forget the option is always there.

You say you're scared of your mum finding everything out, can you tell us more about that? I obviously don't know your personal situation but I'm sure your mum wouldn't be angry - she'd probably be scared and shocked that you've thought so much about ending your life. This article may help.

I'm sorry that friends don't seem to be working for you either, but is there even one person you can lean on enough? Friend, family, or even a medical professional?

Also, you mentioned things that are supposed to relax you give you negative emotions instead - I'd encourage you to think about anything at all (other than self harming of course) that makes you even a little bit happier, and focus on that, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem.

I also really like Steph's idea about pictures, perhaps showing those to people you talk to could help?

Former Member

Hi cat,

Thank you for your reply - ugh my emotions are just everywhere throughout the day

Yeah don't really know where else to go so thought I'd just post on here.

Thing is I did find papyrus helpful when suicidal thoughts got too much in the past, but I'm not allowed to call them until January now. As I called them over a period of time, and they said due to us being a short term service they are ending contact with me so I won't be allowed to call until January again. I did nothing wrong but

Don't like Samaritans that much and breathing space (another helpline where I am) recognise me on the phone a lot so they just say "I've told you before...." And they get a bit frustrated some of the advisors. But I did have a pretty helpful chat with someone from there the other day, who I think must be new as never spoke to her before. And last week I phoned Samaritans once and it was good to get things out, but that's the only thing I find Samaritans helpful for, and it's not good when you can't talk or aren't in mood to explain your full situation

Thing is I've experienced my mum knowing stuff before like that, due to them discovering suicidal thoughts before and it didn't go well. My mum was upset but also got angry quite a lot as shouted at me for being that way, and telling me basically to not be that way (it's not as easy as that, although I wish it was). The part that put me off the most is the names it really hurts me still

I tried leaning on one friend and it helped for a bit but now I just feel I want to back away from her, and I'm not sure why. Just feel sad at the thought of chatting to her now , maybe it's cause I've told her such deep stuff but I really don't know why, it's just how I feel. And another friend kept on telling me to tell my parents, and that wasn't helpful.

And no other family to lean on, only have contact with a grandparent either side (2 of mine have passed away) - 1 who has dementia and the other who I don't ever have open chats with (not the kinda person I feel I could), and then don't keep contact with my mums sister (my auntie) and cousins that side - big family fall out with my mum, and now my cousin who I used to be close to when younger, won't talk to me and I did nothing wrong (she ignored me, it's her and my mum that fell out and I wasn't involved as I was still quite young, she's quite a bit older than me that's why, but she's being mean and I said hi once and she ignored me and it was at my papas house (she lives there) so she definitely heard me ). Anyways that means no one that side is of use. And when it comes to my dads side, my dads auntie I don't have that kinda openness with her (not that close) and not at all close with one of her daughters (my cousin) , although close with the other. Although I'm close with my cousin A. , she gets too uptight over small stuff and she would tell my parents (it's hard to explain, she is a lot older, but has a lot of issues herself like and I told her stuff before a bit and it didn't work out, it was more stressful for me, as she got too worried and upset over what I told her, and wanted to tell my parents, she kept on insisting I tell them). So can't talk to her. And with uncles I don't really have any, my mums side obviously wouldn't talk to her sisters husband, and I don't really know him other than his name and met him like once every 5 years lol. And my aunties divorced from her ex, so obviously not him and don't really now her fiancé. So not him either. So that's all my family and can talk to none of them- I don't have any siblings by the way, I'm an only child.

I will look at the article thanks. And the professionals already know everything that's happening, practically.

Thanks, I ment the stuff I thought about was bad stuff that I shouldn't - like dangerous stuff so it was more it gave me relief but obviously didn't do that stuff as sadly still here but I will try to focus on small (positive) things......

Yeah it's a good idea, not really sure about what pictures, but it's an idea .....

Former Member

Hi Amanda, how are you getting on? So sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time. Have you found support and comfort since you last posted?

Do keep us updated, sending hugs *hug*

Former Member

Thanks for your reply Nikki- its an ongoing thing I have issues ongoing......

Former Member

Feeling like a fat cow, I want to cry, hate myself and want to be cruel to myself. I have serious issues with binge and comfort eating, I go out and buy sweets and sugary things "in the moment" and now I'm also comfort eating a lot, eating sweets and cakes, sugary things is the one thing that makes me happy but.....

I've put on so much weight, went up a dress size in a year and I just keep getting fatter (I'm not suprised with the issues above^). Thing is sweets and foods like that make me happy, yet I feel disgusted in myself and hate the weight I've put on. Too scared to go onto scales but I can feel it, physically and mentally. Also I'm feeling sluggish and more unfit (in terms getting more tierd walking up hills and stairs than I used to). Please I don't know what to do, I could be a lot worse, and at the rate I'm at I will be at "that mental image in my mind". I already feel so fat as it is.

Also knowing what I was and looking at photos of when I was a healthy weight makes me sad. I had more confidence (despite not generally being a confident person)- I used to take time to straighten my hair and put a small amount of make up on(I was never a person to wear a lot, and went for more natural look, but I felt better when I took the time to do it)- now I'm just a slob, as rarely put make up on (can't be bothered) and just stick my hair back in ponytail all the time. I even can't be bothered brushing my teeth properly and rush that too. My skin is breaking out , and I feel like I look horrible!!! Makes me want to hide, and I feel I deserve punishment and that I should torture myself for being a fat cow! UGH .....and my weight is another thing that makes me want to die! I know it seems exagerrated but I get triggered very easily (part of BPD) - and although I haven't been in crisis as much recently, I still think about dying a lot. Makes me think I should just do it, why am I still here?

Former Member

I booked an appointment to see the student health nurse at uni today..... going to discuss my weight and eating issues with her. She already knows me quite well, as have seen her on many occassions in the past about my MH. Not seen her in a while, and thought maybe it would be a good start to discuss it with her, and also as I trust her- shes a really nice person, and I know she wont judge me, never has.

Former Member

Ugh I planned to go into uni, I'm sitting here ready but can't be bothered, in a crap mood this morning!! Normally I kinda like going into uni, as it can distract me for a bit- but I just can't be bothered with the 30mins bus journey. But I shall make myself get up and go now, so I can catch the 9:52 bus, just down the road!!!

Former Member

Hi Amanda :yippe:, sorry to hear you’ve been down again. However, it is great that you are booked in to see the student mental health nurse - how did it go?

You say you have been “comfort eating” - what do you think has triggered it apart from maybe feeling down? If you do find yourself reaching for sweet treats and carbs, you might want to slowly add fruit that would help curb those cravings. Here’s some info on healthy relationships with food that you might find helpful. And also check out BEAT, an eating disorder organization. They have a helpline too, if would like to speak to someone directly.

Do keep in touch with how you’re getting on.

Hugs *hug*

Former Member

Hi, it went okay, got a few things I'm going to try, buts she's right about maybe doing a full on diet would be too challenging as it's very emotional related. But going to try a few things to reduce it, although it doesn't fix the emotional side.

I think maybe it's my way of coping, and it's like my version of smoking or drinking (neither of which I do). I will look at links

Sigh life goes on....and it sucks!

Former Member

At least I have something different to look forward to...... Joined this society at uni and my friend is actually treasurer- she's helping out at their bake sale and asked me to join. Kinda excited and no it's not because of the cake, it's something different and I like having little responsiblities and helping out with stuff so should be good

Former Member

ugh another thing..... http://vbulletin.thesite.org/forum/thesite-topics/home-law-money/3548141-eupd-dvla-and-parent-stress

so many issues, and I keep thinking of doing something dangerous and that it would be nice (for some reason).

And now, I really want to kill myself............

Former Member

I totally get thinking of doing something dangerous and that it would be nice.

Are you safe?

Former Member

Only because my mum will be in soon but yeah just want to give up.............. I hope I'm involved in an accident soon

Former Member

Really want to die today and don't feel 100% safe. Currently about to go to a lecture I don't want to go to but feel I should to pass time until desk duty opens as no point in phoning out of hours CPN now

Former Member

Do you feel as though uni is a good distraction? How many days do you go to uni for a week?

Former Member

I am at uni 2 days a week usually for classes (sometimes have an extra day the odd week). But I tend to go in 5 or 6 days a week and yes its been a very good distraction, but when things get so bad I just see no point in it, as I think I will die. Although I never do, the thoughts get so bad, I am totally convinced I will.

Former Member

Hi Amanda, I hope today went well for you? If things get really bad or you don't feel safe, please don't hesitate to call Samaritans or go straight to a local A&E.

Sending hugs *hug*

Former Member

Hi Nikki,

Calmed down a lot past few days, still feel the same way but am trying to get on. It's helped since the nurse I spoke to on phone (at MH team) asked my psychiatrist if I could get an earlier appointment- so I'm now seeing my psychiatrist next week- this has helped me, as I'm going to wait things out until then. Thank you.

Former Member

Got to do this Personal Portfoli thing for uni but it brings up a lot of bad stuff. To most people it will be a couple of quick questions but for me its an emotional challenge. Doing it with my mentor today, just waiting for her to join me in this computer lab at uni, at 11am.

Former Member

How did it go doing the personal portfolio with your mentor?