Not feeling worthy

Former Member

It's that time again where I fall into a big black hole. I thought this time I finally had a good grip on my depression. I took an extra day off of work working 4 days intead of 5. Maybe that was wrong. I think I messed up. I left myself with more time to be alone with the dark thoughts that were locked inside my mind. Instead of having extra time to get things done I sleep instead of doing my chores, I sit around instead of running errands, and I mope instead of caring for my body.
I'm losing my faith in everyone for the fear they'll leave me, I'm pushing them away thinking it will hurt less, instead I'm hurting them.
I'm embarrassed with myself, I accidentally broke down after work the other day, I did so well being clean from self harm it would of been 6 years in a couple months. Now I have to start all over again. I admit I let the darkness in me control and tell me what to do but I realise I'm not a teenager anymore I'm a 22 year old adult and if somethings wrong I know I need to tell someone but how do I tell someone something I can't explain? How do I let them know I'm hurting inside? How do I let someone know I'm feeling worthless?
I live with the feeling of being worthless everyday. I feel like a chicken running around with its head cut off. I don't know what to do with myself. I have a fear that I won't be alive for as long as I hope I would like to. All my life I didn't think my future through because I didn't think I'd make it to 22, now here I am.
I'm struggling trying to stay strong I don't want to die, I love my friends and family and I know the consequences if I took my life. I stress too much trying to make them and myself happy I try to ignore the darkness in my head and my heart and I was doing so good. It feels like last month I was fine I was laughing, I was enjoying life, and I could wake up ready to conquer the day. Now it's like why try?

Just some of my feelings I couldn't really put into words until now. I guess I know now what to do.

Former Member

Morning garciaa. Firstly, well done for reaching out here - it's an important step to open up about how you're feeling and it's great that you're doing.

Is there anything in particular which you think has made your feelings change? You mentioned that you had 6 years without self harming which is a great achievement, and please don't let one slip up feel like that was all for nothing. However, it makes me wonder if something different has happened to tip you back to that point? It sounds like you do have some stuff you really enjoy though and people you care about, so try to focus on those as much as possible.

Either way though, please do keep talking to us and using the resources on this site, and others, for support. Have you got any sources of support in your day to day life, such as family, friends or a doctor?

Don't forget that there is nothing wrong with your feelings and you are not alone.