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*TRIGGERING* don't read if you feel low or are having triggering thoughts yourself
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
I have no energy to explain my situation again. I want to express how much I'm at the end of everything now, my email to HOPELINE UK explains it all, so I shall post it here:
"As it says all I think about is wanting to die. I really feel at the end of hope completely, and it feels my new aim of life is dying - whether that's by an 'accident' or suicide.
Also I know you say uni will give me structure but it won't be the same this year as
a) only in 2 days a week
b) they have changed the mentor system- this means I can no longer contact my mentor about how I feel etc (so one less person to talk to) as she coincidentally graduated at the time of them changing from student mentors to full time staff. Coincidentally she got the job of paid staff mentor - so I would still have the same person. But last year I text her a lot, we aren't allowed to do this this year (I understand why especially as they are making more boundaries etc) but it means I can only email her - and it can only be regarding coursework and nothing else. So I'm even more alone this year and although I understand why the changes are made, doesn't mean it will be easy!
Hence you won't be able to convince me uni will be the structure this year-that's my point.
I ended up speaking to out of hours CPN service last night and THEY DONT UNDERSTAND. He said a lot of people think about suicide and/or they want to die, doesn't mean they'd do it. Well I tried to tell him I'm being serious about it but they proceed to talk about irrelevant things eg. How's uni, what do you do, what hobbies etc etc. This is trained MH nurses I thought they basically talking almost like volunteers from the Samaritans- if I needed to talk about theses things I could of phoned Samaritans but I'm having suicidal thoughts and they didn't even talk about anything like safety plans or crap. I find it weird how they are trained so what a pointless phone call.
Please please I'm really feeling worse than ever and want to die more than ever. I know it's been going on for over a year and I still haven't committed suicide but that makes it worse as going on longer, the more I'm starting to feel able to commit suicide. If that makes sense, basically I mean before you know it I will be committing suicide. That's how bad things are for me.
My life's aim (and I'm not exaggerating) is to die. I've given up on all hope ........"
"As it says all I think about is wanting to die. I really feel at the end of hope completely, and it feels my new aim of life is dying - whether that's by an 'accident' or suicide.
Also I know you say uni will give me structure but it won't be the same this year as
a) only in 2 days a week
b) they have changed the mentor system- this means I can no longer contact my mentor about how I feel etc (so one less person to talk to) as she coincidentally graduated at the time of them changing from student mentors to full time staff. Coincidentally she got the job of paid staff mentor - so I would still have the same person. But last year I text her a lot, we aren't allowed to do this this year (I understand why especially as they are making more boundaries etc) but it means I can only email her - and it can only be regarding coursework and nothing else. So I'm even more alone this year and although I understand why the changes are made, doesn't mean it will be easy!
Hence you won't be able to convince me uni will be the structure this year-that's my point.
I ended up speaking to out of hours CPN service last night and THEY DONT UNDERSTAND. He said a lot of people think about suicide and/or they want to die, doesn't mean they'd do it. Well I tried to tell him I'm being serious about it but they proceed to talk about irrelevant things eg. How's uni, what do you do, what hobbies etc etc. This is trained MH nurses I thought they basically talking almost like volunteers from the Samaritans- if I needed to talk about theses things I could of phoned Samaritans but I'm having suicidal thoughts and they didn't even talk about anything like safety plans or crap. I find it weird how they are trained so what a pointless phone call.
Please please I'm really feeling worse than ever and want to die more than ever. I know it's been going on for over a year and I still haven't committed suicide but that makes it worse as going on longer, the more I'm starting to feel able to commit suicide. If that makes sense, basically I mean before you know it I will be committing suicide. That's how bad things are for me.
My life's aim (and I'm not exaggerating) is to die. I've given up on all hope ........"
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Comments
I'm really sorry that you had a poor experience with the CPN service, that's a real shame. What is it you would prefer to get from them? You mention safety plans etc - is that what you were expecting?
I'm also really sorry that the mentor system has changed, however I am not entirely sure your mentor would be the perfect person to support you anyway as I'm guessing she doesn't have specific mental health experience? I do feel that the key to all this is to find you someone you can truly be honest with, who can understand what you're going through. I'm just not 100% sure where to find that right person, but I believe they are out there.
Given things have got so serious and your feelings are so strong, is there anyone else you'd like to tell? I really want to protect you from this as much as possible so if there is anyone else who can be there for you then maybe it's time to open up.
Please keep talking to us - we will listen as much as is needed if it means these feelings diminish even a little bit.
I totally get it 😔
I know that I will die by suicide in my own way, on my own terms. Don't know when, not sure how. Maybe weeks, months, years. I don't know but by the age I'm 24 (i'm 21 now) I know I would have taken my own life. Why by the age of 24 you might wonder or ask me? Well, I don't know, I can just feel it that my death will be suicide.
Your lifes aim to die is basically mine. My dream is to be buried out of everything. In peace.
I was using the mentor system through hopeline. Is that what you was using? If you want my number or email pm me. You can email and call me anytime.
While it's wonderful that you (apandav and Lost_sense) connect on this level and are so good at supporting each other, I just wanted to quickly jump in with a reminder about being careful when sharing personal details. You're perfectly welcome to via PM and building relationships is part of what a community is about, but taking that to private communications it might be good to consider the things mentioned in our helping each other thread.
Again, not to take away from the support and deep level of empathy happening here. :yes:
*hug*
To sum up things have been really bad the past few days
I can see why many people say it gets better, it's just so hard to believe that when you feel this way- I have no hope of things getting better, only getting worse.
I was expecting more to talk about safety plans etc. but I find it most helpful when people go through a mini plan with me on the phone of what to do etc. I have phoned the MH team numbers a further 3 times since I posted it, I guess everyone's approach varies- they are obsessed with safe plans though , they have a copy of my safe plan but I'm not really finding it helpful to be honest!
The mentors aren't MH qualified but mine did do some work in MH for a bit and she did psychology PhD so although not the same she knew some stuff. It was more having someone to talk to and confide in, i can't do it in the same way as friends as I prefer having someone not in my life in a personal way, if that makes sense- less emotional attachment!
Nope can't talk to anyone else....
I just want to die to be honest.....
I will check out the links and thanks for letting me PM you.
No, the mentor system wasn't through HOPELINEUK , it was via the disability service at my university. Glad the mentor system helped you!
Every time I do something even small I need to sit for a bit , as just feel so drained. I found even taking a shower yesterday so draining and I can't even go through all my notifications here at once
I just don't want to be here, and don't know how much longer I can go on
We are here for you.
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Then I have no hope for the future! And I'm not happy with change at all, I just can't cope with it! Plus I feel sad and you know there's so many things building up inside, and everything just makes me feel more overwhelmed.
Also I've been having suicidal thoughts (on and off, although very regular and very short times without) for over a year now. They are getting more intense and right now it's more than just thoughts, it's real desire and want to die. It's became my aim of life
Hi Amanda,
We understand that for you things are at their hardest right now and are particularly difficult when you look forwards, when you try to imagine what the future might bring - almost as though the further you look, the harder it is to cope with the unknown. Your future is not there yet. The only time you can have control over is the here and now. It sounds like looking to the future brings on anxiety, sometimes very strong feelings of anxiety - something many people feel around the unknown, around things that feel out of their control. We are not able to give advice or support around feelings of anxiety.
We know that you use our telephone and email service often and we can only offer short-term support with thoughts of suicide. We are not a long-term service. Speaking to us will involve us asking you questions to better understand your thoughts of suicide and encouraging you to work on a safe plan around those thoughts, in an attempt to help support you to work toward safety, to work toward staying alive.
This will often involve encouraging you to use the other support you have around you, to speak to the professionals already supporting you, to access other support such as counselling through university, regular visits to the GP and perhaps other approaches such as mindfulness exercises. Some of this will involve you doing this for yourself, finding your own way through experiences yourself, whilst using support when you need to.
Each time you contact us, we will focus on your thoughts of suicide because that is the service we are, the service we offer. Can you tell us how you would like us to help you, or what you feel would help you best at the moment?
Best wishes,
Pat
What would the ideal support be for you right now?
Thanks Kate!
Iddefine my situation as hopeless. I don't even know what will help anymore- basically all my other helplines aren't helpful, I've had therapy meds etc and I'm just tierd of life. The one thing keeping me going uni I don't feel I can do anymore.
I've given up on myself
I can't even sleep
Sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless
I'm wondering how much your GP knows and whether being a bit more honest with how you're feeling right now might help you to get some better care or they might have some ideas of where you could find some extra support? I have found sometimes when in crisis daily appointments with the GP have helped me to get through it and it was positive to have someone monitoring me... maybe that would help for you?
Oh and papyrus are restricting my calls to 3 times per week and I'm banned from 30th September for 3 months. They say it's to help me, which I don't understand. As they know I'm getting other support but they say it's so I reach out for other support.
Thanks for all your support and best wishes!