Psychiatrist

Former Member

Tomorrow I'm seeing a psychiatrist for the first time. I'm feeling very worried, especially about what they say to me. I'm worried they will say it's just due to my personality (I've been told that a lot).

I started to write notes on what I'm going to say, I'm just going to state all my problems-

-low mood and depression
-outbursts- episodes of punching, screaming and talking random , feels I'm loosing control of my body (think this is a meltdown from AS, I just think I should mention all).
-violent thoughts and images (haven't really spoke about that on here as embarrassed). There's particularly bad stuff I want to mention about it but just can't say on here.
-suicidal thoughts and how they are at my worst
- that my mood and suicidal thoughts get worse for a while, then a bit better then worse again (I've noticed a pattern- every 2 weeks to 2 months I go through good and bad cycles). The bad cycles are always as bad as each other.
-binge eating and emotional eating

Then I need to figure out if there is anything I want to ask etc.

I just an really nervous and needed to voice it somewhere. I don't have anyone around me to confide in. And now I feel I can't even phone my usual helpline. This advisor who I've spoke to a few times, says stuff like my phoning I'd habit and gets really angry with me and says I spoke to you before, this isn't therapy etc. I've cut down my calling considerably and she still makes comments- I don't even speak to her all the time but makes me feel I can't phone (I'm a bit scared of this lady now tbh, but sometimes when I phone and she answers I hang up, but if I keep getting her when I phone I normally just end up talking to her hence I can't even phone them now

Former Member

Hey apandav,

Really glad you felt able to post about how you're feeling about tomorrow. It's also really positive that you're preparing what you'd like to talk about; how are you getting on with this?

It's natural to feel nervous, especially when you're a bit unsure about how it might pan out. I just want to say that I think you're doing so well in reaching out for support throughout everything you have been going through, it takes real courage and it's been great to have you share your journey with us on here, so credit where it's due apandav :yes:

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling a bit uneasy about calling your usual helpline, and not really getting the response you'd expect. Is it worth mentioning how you feel about it when you can catch someone else on the phone? What other helplines or similar forms of support have you found helpful before?

Sending hugs *hug*

Former Member

Hi Raich,

I've wrote down all the main points for tomorrow (but am a bit worried I've missed stuff). I just hope it goes okay, and also I'm weary of the fact that I'm hiding this from my parents. My parents have been away for a few days and are due back tomorrow afternoon (at somepoint), so feeling like I'll have to put a face on when I go home.

I'm actually feeling sad right now.......

I phoned the helpline again but keep getting either that lady or someone else who I'm not keen on I might say it to someone, but depends who and if I feel comfortable enough with them.

I've used Samaritans before, but I'm not really using them much now, I'm getting frustrated as when I do phone it's the same questions, and they often ask all the - how long has it been going on for, have you seen the doctor, does the medication help, can you talk to friends and family, why can't you talk to your parents - everytime it's the same questions over and over and I have to keep on repeating my story right from the beginning again and again!!

The only other helpful form of support is the student health nurse at uni, but that's it. Can't confide in family or friends.

Ahh I'm actually so nervous about tomorrow, I just want it over and done with now!

Former Member

Another weird thing is this lady who is moaning at me etc. (She's works at this Scottish helpline called breathing space - which is her job) I'm sure she also volunteers for the Samaritans - one day I phoned the Samaritans and this lady coincidentally with the same name and sounded exactly like the one I've been talking about answered - I know it was her. I haven't been into a Samaritans branch in a while but it's likely that she'd be at the one I'm nearest. That makes me more nervous, so can't go into Samaritans branch either and more reasons not to phone the Samaritans (although I phone free number so unlikely as can talk to anyone in whole uk).

Former Member

Approximately 3 hours until my appointment feeling nervous!

Former Member

:(feeling overwhelmed after my appointment , wasn't expecting that......

I was taken seriously and as before the psychiatrist suspects Asperger's syndrome (but must wait for full assessment). That's not the part freaking me out though......

He said I have borderline personality disorder traits - he said I may or may not reach a suitable diagnoses. And then he is considering putting me on mood stabilisers- don't know how to feel about that either....

Former Member

Hi apandav, :wave:

Hope your appointment went well today, and it's great that you prepared. How did you find it?

You also said your parents were back this afternoon, and you're weary that you are hiding the appointment from them. How did you feel when they got back? You might find this article, "Talking about your mental health" helpful.

I'm sorry to hear your finding your usual helplines repetitive. Is it worth trying other forms of support such as SANE who have a helpline?

It is positive that you are sharing your thoughts on here. Please keep posting, we are all here for you

Former Member

Hi Nikki,

My appointment was mixed - he took me seriously but as I said (in my post above) I'm a bit freaked out about borderline personality disorder and possibly taking mood stabilisers. I really don't know what to do- he is going to phone me in two weeks asking if it's okay to chat to one of my parents on the phone. He said he can only diagnose BPD after speaking to them. Thing is my parents don't know I'm going, but he said he could pretend it's about the autism referral (which they know about) and that no information would be given away about what I've said etc. Then I'm not even sure I would want that diagnosis, so maybe even disregard considering involving my parents in a phone conversation. Then I've looked it up online and I feel there is also a lot about BPD that doesn't fit me- I don't get into arguments and much more. I might not even have it anyways, but do I want to risk finding out I do? Also the aspergers could explain some stuff too (he is still considering that) but obviously I'm awaiting a full assessment from the autism team (only they can diagnose it). Then i suppose there is the possibility of having both borderline personality disorder and an autism spectrum disorder. As he said looks like bullying could have contributed to BPD , but I was more prone to that bullying due to ASD- as I found it hard to realise people's intentions (that's what he said based on what I told him). Ahhhh it's so complicated, I'm so confused, I don't know what to do and I'm petrified right now!I honestly didn't expect to hear about BPD at all!

No matter what I will be seeing him again in 4-6 weeks.... In the meantime I'm going to phone autism team today to see if they know how long until I will get an appointment approximately (but they may not even be able to give me an answer).

Also I'm considering maybe getting my advocate involved again (if she is okay with it) as I felt very overwhelmed at my last appointment and would be useful to have someone there to diffuse my situation a bit and also to repeat back what was said at apointments. With the possibility of all this stuff I'm thinking maybe using my advocate again would be useful. I think I will phone her today also too see if she thinks she could maybe help me.

Then also I was worried as my diagnosis may change about my DSA, which was approved based on anxiety. I doubt they will take it away as clearly I'm having issues, but either way I will be meeting my disability advisor at university to update her- they receptionist advised so the uni are aware of my circumstances and they can help me/ make more adjustments if need be.

When they got back I was nervous, but held it together. Thanks for the link, but my parents know I've had a bit of MH issues etc. But they don't know all of it. When they knew stuff it made me feel worse so I plan to keep this from them. (Basically they think things are resolved and everything's great now, as I've been pretending I'm feeling better etc. Which gets them off my back).

I tried SANE a few days ago and the person I spoke to was helpful, but it's not a free helpline. And luckily I have some free minutes now that I used it for but it means I can't phone them that often.

Thanks for everything Nikki!

Former Member

Like why is assisted suicide not legal?

They should just kill me, then everyone gets what they want. I die and they can give my organs to people needing transplant - people who want live. I don't so just take me away please

JustV

Hey @Past User,

It sounds like the possibility of BPD is really creating a tough time of it for you at the mo, and understandably so; the prospect of any new diagnosis (especially one you don't have on your radar) can be really intimidating and stressful. That said, it might be useful to remember that regardless of the name that gets attached to the difficulties you have, there will be ways of managing it so it becomes less of a barrier for you. Whether that's with meds, various kinds of therapy, seeing professionals, learning ways to cope yourself, etc. While it may seem a bit scary and unknown, you'll have chances to learn about it and you won't be alone.

Do you know when you'll be meeting with your disability advisor?

Also, I know you're already aware of them but remember there are crisis support services out there if you find yourself at tipping point. From your last post, I get the impression this morning was pretty rough so I hope you're doing a bit better now. Take good care. *hug*

Former Member

Thanks Mike , I've read it all (but I will reply properly when I'm in a better state of mind).

Been feeling like I really want to die today, I even went to a Samaritans branch (which I rarely do).

I've also got another problem right now:



This is really embarrassing so please don't judge- I've had a bad day emotionally. One of my problems is outbursts and I'm having really bad urges right now, I try to minimise and/or hold in in public.

But I've totally embarrassed myself - I punched a bus timetable board, I've been bashing my head on bus headrest, moving like I'm very agitated- really want to punch objects and I've been wanting to shout and swear at random strangers (I haven't but been mouthing it silently with my hand over my mouth so I don't do it). I have a strong urge to do silly things like run along a road shouting and screaming. It's okay when I'm alone in house but I'm out right now and I'm trying so hard not to but I have already mildly acted out.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice to stop this? Also as much as I'm trying not to , sometimes I eg. Punch something and don't realise until I've done it.

Former Member

I was on a bus a couple of weeks back and this lady was sat next to this man and she was shouting litcherally in the man's face (she obviously has mental health issues) but the man was so good, he didn't respond or try to move. He just sat there while she shouted in his face. A common thing is to shout inappropriate things that tie in with mental health. She also thought a lady was her nan and kept shouting nan. (I've come across a lot of people like this LOADS)

You don't need to be embarrassed about punching a bustimetable board!

I'm with you on why isnt assisted suicide not legal, I have begged and pleaded with the police before just to shoot me or push me lightly but they say it's YOUR CHOICE but that's a load of crap suicide isn't a choice it's when pain reaches breaking point. WHEN THE F ARE THEY GOING TO REALISE THAT pisses me off so much!

It was suspected I had autism but I had an assesment and I haven't. Then I thought I had BPD OH BUT LET ME NOT FORGET MENTION BPD AND YOU'LL JUST BE IGNORED THROUGH THE SYSTEM. I dont believe I have BPD anymore. I believe I have schizophrenia. If you get mood stabilisers I'de take them though!!

If you want to send me a pm about the violent thoughts and images you can. I get them too.

Former Member

The bottom line sounds like you dissociate and then come back round and realise what you've done.

Former Member

Thank you lost_sense I really appreciate it.

Mike- meeting with disability advisor in two weeks, week of freshers

Former Member

Yes I'm aware of support services and been in contact with PAPYRUS hopelineuk - I had to phone them last night as feeling pretty bad. I'm feeling very low today and I'm going out with parents , I just don't have the energy I'm so sad. But they don't know so I have to go! We are meant to be going on a day trip, taking dogs with us probably go to beach so probably do me some good but still I just feel miserable. Thoughts of suicide escalated a lot and was starting to make plans so phone papyrus hopelineuk- honestly they are the best for this, I would even go so far to say I probably would have tried to cause myself harm if it wasn't for them!

Former Member

Sometimes I do feel I shouldn't be using hopelineuk as I live in Scotland and seems they are based in England but it does say they will take calls from the full uk, and they are aware I live in Scotland etc. Yet still want to help me. I'm so grateful for their service, they are even better than phoning the MH crisis line here!!

Former Member

Hey apandav - that's awesome that you're getting on so well with hopeline, and definitely don't worry about being in Scotland! Do let us know how your day goes today.

Former Member

It was actually quite a nice day, but of distraction. Wouldn't say I feel happy though.....

Former Member

I am in contact with a few people with ASDs and they said my outbursts sound like meltdowns. The more I look into BPD, I feel there are things that don't fit with me but there is a lot that seems like ASD. I just wish the autism teams waiting list was shorter

The other day I emailed my disability advisor, and now I'm a bit worried .........I said I was concerned I may have an outburst in uni labs and how it could be dangerous, and that I wanted to tell them so we could make a plan as to if the situation was to arise (although it may never). I just can't believe I told her, I just hope they don't tell me to quit uni or something, as I may as well take my life straight away as I feel I don't have much other than uni. It's my get away, escape from all my problems, it's structure, it really helps.

Former Member

I sent an email so there is no going back

Former Member

Hey apandav, well done on sending the email - it sounds like a brave step It's highly unlikely they would tell you to quit uni and there would be a lot of stages to go through before that. You'll be able to work together to build a plan about what to do if you do indeed have an issue in the labs, and potentially staff could be made aware so they know to look out for you and can give you extra support if it looks like you're getting into difficulty.

Did you get a response yet?

Former Member

Yes I got an email back, she said that she is glad she told me and that we can discuss and plan what would happen if I was to experience an outburst in that situation. She also asked about triggers and suggested a plan for removing myself even if it's not got to the worse but I'm beginning to become agitated. She wants to tell someone in my department at uni though, as she said it is very personal but they want to try to help me be safe at labs and uni in general.