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Looking for help with a tricky situation
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I am really hoping to find someone who has perhaps been in a similar situation and will have some ideas on how to combat it, as I am struggling to find something that works.
A few years ago I was in hospital for a while; I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there and had become pretty paranoid and ended up becoming suicidal at times. All in all, the time I spent in hospital was over a year, with a number of different meds and bad experiences (a lot of running away) that left me distrustful of mental health professionals.
Towards the end of my stay I noticed I kept having bad dreams about the things that happened and I became a bit depressed. I assumed it was just because of the stress of being there and that it would fix itself once I was discharged. However, once I was discharged it didn't sort itself out. I found myself worrying constantly about being taken back to hospital. I would lock the doors and windows, close the curtains, etc, and whenever I heard a car go past I'd look out the window to check they weren't coming for me.
This eventually eased over time, and my mood improved, and my sleeping schedule slowly normalised, so I started sleeping at night and being awake during the day again. Nowadays, on a good day I can take parcels from the postmen, open the door for an online shop delivery, etc, but on a bad day I hide if I hear someone at the door, or a siren, etc, but the one thing I can't do is go outside.
During this time, I've had a number of care co-ordinators who have basically said you can't access any services until you go outside. They've finally arranged for me to have a 6 week trial with the rehab team but I have doubts they can help me because when people from mental health services come here I get so nervous that I find myself unable to talk about the relevant things. I can start off with basic yes/no answers but I find the more nervous I get the less I can speak and I end up not talking. Which is stupid because I can talk perfectly well.
They always say about me being agoraphobic, but when I googled it, I just don't see that I would have that because it seems to be about people who are scared of panic attacks. And they think I choose not to talk and I think they also think I don't see/hear things any more. I don't know how to explain things to them and it just seems like an almighty mess that I cannot fix. Plus through all this I haven't been able to shake the bad dreams. They have persisted all this time and I can't understand why.
So, in short, I haven't been out in 2 years and I feel desperate. I want to be independent and contribute to society, and this situation makes me feel utterly helpless and pathetic. I've got myself into a right mess and can't seem to find a way to sort it out. It's so stupid, even writing about this has made me feel cold inside and break into a nervous sweat and made my hands all trembly.
I'm sorry this has turned out to be so long, I meant to be concise, but my brain doesn't seem as sharp as it used to be. I would really appreciate it if anyone could offer any advice, if they have been in a similar scenario or anything. Thank you all
A few years ago I was in hospital for a while; I was seeing and hearing things that weren't there and had become pretty paranoid and ended up becoming suicidal at times. All in all, the time I spent in hospital was over a year, with a number of different meds and bad experiences (a lot of running away) that left me distrustful of mental health professionals.
Towards the end of my stay I noticed I kept having bad dreams about the things that happened and I became a bit depressed. I assumed it was just because of the stress of being there and that it would fix itself once I was discharged. However, once I was discharged it didn't sort itself out. I found myself worrying constantly about being taken back to hospital. I would lock the doors and windows, close the curtains, etc, and whenever I heard a car go past I'd look out the window to check they weren't coming for me.
This eventually eased over time, and my mood improved, and my sleeping schedule slowly normalised, so I started sleeping at night and being awake during the day again. Nowadays, on a good day I can take parcels from the postmen, open the door for an online shop delivery, etc, but on a bad day I hide if I hear someone at the door, or a siren, etc, but the one thing I can't do is go outside.
During this time, I've had a number of care co-ordinators who have basically said you can't access any services until you go outside. They've finally arranged for me to have a 6 week trial with the rehab team but I have doubts they can help me because when people from mental health services come here I get so nervous that I find myself unable to talk about the relevant things. I can start off with basic yes/no answers but I find the more nervous I get the less I can speak and I end up not talking. Which is stupid because I can talk perfectly well.
They always say about me being agoraphobic, but when I googled it, I just don't see that I would have that because it seems to be about people who are scared of panic attacks. And they think I choose not to talk and I think they also think I don't see/hear things any more. I don't know how to explain things to them and it just seems like an almighty mess that I cannot fix. Plus through all this I haven't been able to shake the bad dreams. They have persisted all this time and I can't understand why.
So, in short, I haven't been out in 2 years and I feel desperate. I want to be independent and contribute to society, and this situation makes me feel utterly helpless and pathetic. I've got myself into a right mess and can't seem to find a way to sort it out. It's so stupid, even writing about this has made me feel cold inside and break into a nervous sweat and made my hands all trembly.
I'm sorry this has turned out to be so long, I meant to be concise, but my brain doesn't seem as sharp as it used to be. I would really appreciate it if anyone could offer any advice, if they have been in a similar scenario or anything. Thank you all
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Comments
Well done for posting here and thank you for sharing your story with us. As I read your post I felt really overwhelmed by what you have been going through, and can't imagine how difficult things must be for you.
It does however sound like you have really started making some progress with moving forward, and that you're really determined to continue doing so. It's great that you've managed to reach out for some support with this, even though you are really nervous about it :yes: When does your 6 week trial begin?
We do have some info here on agoraphobia, as well as recovering from agoraphobia.
Not sure if anyone else on here has been in a similar situation, but we are all here should you need to talk about anything and to help support you through things
Sending hugs *hug*
The silly thing is that is shouldn't be a big deal. The things that happened and the stuff I did was pretty standard for someone in hospital. There were lots of other people who had similar experiences, many of them far worse, and they seem to have moved on, or at least they haven't become too scared to go outside, so I feel so stupid for not just putting it behind me.
I think my 6 week trial started a couple of weeks ago. The person came round and basically spent ages admiring our pets and then told me she had time off and was busy the next week, then made another appointment, which was last week. This one lasted 20 minutes and she told me that she is going on holiday for the last couple of weeks of August so is going to introduce me to a new person for while she is away and write down some of my goals. She is coming round on Thursday.
It just feels like such a huge waste of time. I know what my goals are. I am just struggling to achieve them. This is not productive for either of us; we've both got better things to do.
Thank you for the links. Every day I stand as close to the open door (back door into the garden) as I can, but it is wildly inconsistent. I work hard to control my breathing and stuff, but the voices get loud and I start hearing sirens and seeing things, things distort and all that jazz. Sometimes I can feel a person grabbing me even if there is no one there. The fear makes me freeze up inside and I feel like I'm underwater, not in my body. It gets pretty overwhelming. Plus it pretty much guarantees bad dreams, which makes me scared to go to sleep, as well as provoking the voices and they will taunt me all day.
It's very draining and it seems the harder I try the worse it gets. I feel like there must be something I am doing wrong, but I am not sure what.
Thank you again for your reply, I am very grateful supportive sites like this are accessible to people like me.
The situation you're in sounds pretty paralysing; I imagine it's really difficult and exhausting to be living like that.
I can appreciate that it must feel frustrating when it feels like things with the rehab team are unproductive, but it might be good to bear in mind that this just sounds like the preliminary stage to the important stuff you're waiting to get to - how to achieve those goals, like you said. There's a very good chance it's worth sticking with things to get to the meat of what rehab can offer, even if it feels a bit tedious and aimless at the moment. What do you reckon?
On the note about the first thing you talked about - it can be pretty easy to get caught up in that mental cycle of 'but other people are okay, so why aren't I?' It's a trap we all fall into sometimes, but it might be worth reminding yourself that the experiences of someone else don't invalidate yours. While yes, some people might go through what you have or worse and be better off, there are so many variables at play that it doesn't even bear thinking about. Your life and what it looks like is so unique that you can't really compare things like this in a valid way, and at the end of the day you feel what you feel, and that can't be helped - if you know what I mean?
I feel like I rambled a lot there, but hopefully you get what I was trying to say.
As Raich rightly said, it sounds like you're making a lot of progress and being very brave to confront these things and consider things like rehab. Good on you - it's never easy. *hug* How are you getting on today?
The rehab people came round today. They had told me they were going to do a 10 point star goal setting type thing, but that didn't happen, instead they gave me one to look at and "think about". I don't understand what they expect. It seems to be turning about to be the usual "we can support you but it's down to you" nonsense. I am working very hard and everything I have done so far has been down to me and me alone. I don't need someone to come round and tell me that they are proud of me, here for me, all of those lines they reel out. I want practical advice on how to overcome the bits I am stuck on.
I get what you mean, but it still seems so ridiculously pathetic. I feel like an ungrateful brat with laughable first world problems, and I guess that is all it is when you put it in perspective. It's hard to take myself seriously.
I'm feeling pretty bad today. I think I missed my opportunity to actually make progress with the rehab people. She asked me why I don't go outside, but that is a question that I cannot answer - as stupid as it sounds, I literally cannot say it - so I just shrugged. I don't understand why I can't say it. It makes me super nervous and it feels like my throat closes and my jaw locks shut and all of my words are stuck in my mind. It is incredibly frustrating. And afterwards my nan seemed angry at me, telling me that if I don't think the rehab team are useful I should just do it myself. It's a difficult thing to hear; everything I have worked so hard to achieve dismissed in an instant. It massively knocks motivation and replaces it with futility.
I'm sorry I'm not particularly cheerful right now, I didn't mean for this post to be so un-inspiring.
I very much appreciate the response, thank you.
How are you feeling about the idea of agoraphobia and the links Steph shared? I know you said things are widely inconsistent, but are there are tips in there you could maybe just try for a few days to see if they help?
We're thinking of you and here to talk whenever you need
I've had a look at the links, and I have looked at various self-help things for agoraphobia online. I still feel like it doesn't seem to fit though, so I feel like a fraud for using resources meant for those with agoraphobia. The tips are things I've tried before, but I guess I must be doing them wrong because I'm yet to find something that has worked. Perhaps it is a case of I need to practise more? I can only get so close before it overwhelms me and I lose control of it, and because it is so unpredictable, it's difficult to chart any real progress.
One of the biggest problems I find that the agoraphobia self help guides don't tend to address is the way that it tends to trigger bad dreams, which leave me too frightened to go to sleep. It's not like I wake up shouting and screaming or anything dramatic, but sometimes when I wake up I can't move, and my heart is fast and I am really cold but sweating and sometimes trembling. It's pretty unpleasant and I start to avoid going to sleep, but that is not helpful in the long term. I know that sleep deprivation is unhealthy, so it is something I try to avoid now. I used to just not go to sleep for up to 48 hours at a time, because I was so scared of the bad dreams, but now I just grin and bear it. It just a nasty way to start the day, feeling drained and upset, and knowing that trying to go out will cause that is very off-putting.
Thank you very much for your kindness
How are you doing today?
It sounds really frustrating not being able to find something that really works well for you. Is there anything that has helped you a little in the past? I wonder if there is and if you could maybe work on that as a starting point?
I'm sorry to hear about the bad dreams; they sound really intense and overwhelming
*hug*