Relationship troubles... What would you do in my situation?

Former Member

I've been bestfriends with my partner for 10 years... Dating for 2 years. We were due to get married in 9 days but we postponed because he is a drug addict and he relapsed a couple of months ago and I set my boundaries that he has to be sober for a year before we are married.

He is sober and doing well... Only he was meant to get physio therapy for his back and although it's helping he was on ESA until it was sorted. He found a job in the meantime doing front of house at a hotel and because it wasn't factory like he was used to where he hurt his back he took it... He then asked (but lied and told me he was asked to do it, but his mum told me otherwise) that he was covering someone on holiday for 2 weeks, this has put a huge strain on not just my life but my childs life to...

I want to be happy for him taking positive steps in his life and moving forward, but this 2 weeks of night shifts where I only see him an hour a day is difficult for me... I'm concerned he will relapse under to much pressure and it's the last thing I want but also I got used to the routine of being with him every night, falling to sleep together, the little things... You know? and then all of a sudden I see him an hour each day and his moody and tired and then his gone.

And he is expecting me to be ok with this and it not to upset me or make me moody when I miss him and it hurts not being around him and I feel constantly stressed out worrying about him...

Then my son whos got learning difficulties is struggling with the change of routine and change of not having him around, his playing up, wont sleep... Gives me attitude and constantly needs attention which is weighing down on me too, but he can't see any of this.

So for the past 3 days his been rude to me, barely spoke to me and ignored me throughout the day... Then tonight when I demanded answers he told me his not sure if he wants to be with me anymore... When we only just set another date for the wedding and were talking about when we wanted to have children and everything...

I don't get his sudden change in how he feels and he says it's because I've change, I'm not happy the way I used to be with him and I want him to change all the time... But he doesn't seem to understand that it's barely been 3 months since everything happened, things can't be perfect again after 3 months...

I need to learn how to trust him again, how to get over all the hurt he caused me and my son during his relapse. but he just expects things to be perfect straight away I don't really know what to do anymore...

I love him so much, it physically hurts to even think about my life without him... But I feel like his going to end things with me, and even if he doesn't... I feel like now his thinking of ending things, I don't know where I stand or if I want to be with someone who after 12 years actually has to question how they feel about me and what they want when they've always been so sure. It doesn't feel romantic begging someone to still love you.

Former Member

Why were you best friends for a decade before you started dating? Why didn't you start dating years earlier? What changed to make you change from friends to lovers after such a huge amount of time? You chose to be just friends for ten years - then decided to be more than that?

Former Member

I was 12 when we first became friends, we dated for a short time in school but we were children. We stayed in touch over the years and he tried to date me a few times but I felt like the timing was wrong, I was 16 when I had my child and he was premature and very sick, I focused on him and despite my now partner coming into my life and telling me he would be there for me and my baby, I felt like at 16 he was just saying what I wanted to hear and didn't need to handle the responsibility. He didn't speak to me after that for a year or so as I hurt him, but then we contacted eachother over email as I moved away from my home town and when I moved back we met up a few times and the chemistry we had from all those years ago was still there just waiting to explode. I've always felt like he was my soul mate, like fate had decided we were inevitable but now wasn't our time... During this time I also suffered alot of trauma after I was raped and relationships weren't an easy thing for me to settle into. I suffer from PTSD and depression, anxiety etc... So as you can imagine my life was very controlled for a long while by that too.

Former Member

It doesn't sound like you were best friends continuously for those ten years.

What happened in regard to your son's father? Is he involved in the child's life?

Which drug(s) is your partner addicted to? Does he have any children?

Former Member

We weren't contiously see each other bestfriends, but we would email each other and we were always very open with one another... So more like pen pal best friends... But life was very different for both of us and neither of us stayed in the same place for very long so being in eachothers life in person was for the most of the years extremely difficult.
My sons father didn't want to know from the beginning. I have tried to contact him recently as my sons been asking about him but he still doesn't seem to be interested.
My partners addicted to cannabis, thats his drug of choice. He has tried others in the past but he only craves that. He hasn't got any children no.

Steph

HI Silverteardrops, welcome to The Mix discussion boards. :wave:

Thanks for sharing your situation and what's been going on for you at the moment. Sounds like a difficult time to be going through, it's really positive that you're looking for some help and support with everything.:yes:

Seems really tough, you were saying that you really don't know what to do anymore, what would you ideally like to happen in your situation?

Just want to let you know that we have a LoveSmart tool which has relationship information which might be useful to have a look at.

Former Member

I think it would better for everyone if you and your partner were to split up. He sounds like a chaotic, unsettled person who is causing you unhappiness and stress and is probably having a negative impact on your son. I would not want a habitual drug user around my child if I had one.

It sounds like your partner doesn't want a full-time relationship - or at least not with you. Some people don't tell their partner how they feel, but instead try to gradually end the relationship in stages. It sounds like that's what he's trying to do. Alternatively, he may be ambivalent in regard to what he wants.

All three of you clearly have a lot of problems and it sounds like this relationship is making things worse for everyone.

Your son's father is legally obliged to pay regular child support.

Former Member

Hi im sorry to hear about all the hurt he has caused you and how you are feeling do you have anyone you can talk to about how things are making you feel. Will his working hours change at all ? Maybe he is working hard to keep himself distracted? I am very sorry to hear about the impact this has on your son i hope you have support to help you both at this time. I hope you can talk to him soon , maybe sit down and ask him how things are going from his prospective then explain yours ? im sorry if i misunderstood what you have written,

Former Member

For how long has he been using cannabis?