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I don't even know...
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
I had my first appointment with my new clinical psychologist today. She said that when I feel really wobbly I should try to call the crisis team or something instead of hurting myself, but I'm not using the phone so here I am.
I just completely don't wanna be here. The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want to hurt my family but I just find living unbearable. I have people trying to support me and stuff but I don't see how it can ever work cos it has to be me that puts the hard work in to get better and I don't want to. I have absolutely no faith that my life is ever gonna be good so I'd much rather just end it now. But I can't because of other people and it just leaves me in this position where I'm in horrendous pain but there's literally nothing I can do about it. The only thing that helps the tiniest bit is cutting myself but I can't even do that at the moment because I feel so guilty for upsetting my parents with it. So I'm just left on my own unable to get out of my own head and wanting more than anything to shut everything up...
I know this is a pointless post. It's not even a question or anything. I'm not expecting any replies or whatever, I'm just doing what I was told and talking to someone.
I just completely don't wanna be here. The only reason I'm still alive is because I don't want to hurt my family but I just find living unbearable. I have people trying to support me and stuff but I don't see how it can ever work cos it has to be me that puts the hard work in to get better and I don't want to. I have absolutely no faith that my life is ever gonna be good so I'd much rather just end it now. But I can't because of other people and it just leaves me in this position where I'm in horrendous pain but there's literally nothing I can do about it. The only thing that helps the tiniest bit is cutting myself but I can't even do that at the moment because I feel so guilty for upsetting my parents with it. So I'm just left on my own unable to get out of my own head and wanting more than anything to shut everything up...
I know this is a pointless post. It's not even a question or anything. I'm not expecting any replies or whatever, I'm just doing what I was told and talking to someone.
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Comments
Reaching out here is a brave thing to do, even if you don't see any real point or aim in what you posted, so credit where it's due. :yes: It's great to hear you're getting some professional support, too. How did you find the appointment?
It sounds like you might have an awful lot going on at the moment contributing to the way you're feeling, and you're welcome to go into those things and discuss them here if you think that could be helpful.
Contacting crisis teams and whatnot can be quite nerve-wracking, and even more so when you're not up for using the phone. I wonder if you've tried I'm Alive before? They offer webchat crisis support and might be worth a go next time you're finding things overwhelming.
Can I ask if you're getting any support from elsewhere at the moment? Close family or friends, or other services?
Thanks for the reply.
The appointment was OK as these things go. She was nice and I can tell she wants to help me and she's going to try and everything, I just don't know how successful it'll be. We both recognised that I'd kind of been forced into seeking help and whilst that's better than nothing, it really is the sort of thing that has to come from you if it's going to work.
I don't really feel like talking through any of my issues right now but I appreciate that the option's always there.
Yeah I'm never a big fan of the phone anyway, but calling the crisis team always feels a bit pointless. No I've not tried I'm Alive, I'd not heard of it before, but maybe I will in the future. Thanks for pointing it out.
Yes, I've got support from a few different directions. My gp is pretty good and obviously he's set things up with psychological services so there's that. I also have a private counsellor that my mum pays for. And there's the local women's centre that was recommended to me last time I was in hospital, although I don't go very often. My family are really supportive too and I have a couple of friends who try to reach out every now and then. So like I said, there's a lot of support around me but I just don't know how it's going to work when I don't want it. I tend to push everyone away so it makes it hard for them to support me, but they do try.
I think what you said about seeking help needing to come from you is very true indeed; being there in the physical space or having that interaction is one thing but the emotional and mental readiness and willingness is vital. Do you still feel like you're only getting the support you are because you were a bit railroaded into it, or is the help you're receiving now a bit more off your own back?
That said, it's great you've got such a good network of people trying to look after you, even if you do push them away (recognising that is a positive thing, by the way - there are a lot of people out there who wouldn't see that).