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Update - Changes in myself (mental health / aspergers)
apandav
Posts: 2,072 Boards Champion
Apologies for the strange last post- just had a weird experience and am pretty scared by myself at the moment.
Last night on another occasion words were coming out my mouth and I know it's happened before, but this time I started walking outside really late in my garden- it felt like I wasn't in control of my body, and that my mind wasn't telling my body to walk outside. Then when I'm outside I stand on the bench in my garden- next thing I know I'm gazing into the atmosphere around me. It felt like I was there, as I kept telling myself to go inside in my head, but my body wasn't listening to my mind- it was resisting. It took a lot of resistance and eventually my mind managed to force my body to start moving again and I went inside. Next thing I know- I become aware random words are coming out my mouth. Yes I'm aware with aspergers sometimes words come out of my mouth that don't feel like they have came from my brain, but this time I was in a weird state as I kept realising in the middle of doing it , and it wasn't like straight away that I became aware. Also my body didn't feel like it was a part of me, I was moving my arms but they didn't feel like my arms. When I'm back in bed I start pinching myself to feel my body, it doesn't feel as painful as it should so I put more force- I can feel it,but I still feel disconnected from my body. I felt like I was in a weird dazed state, and that I was an outsider to my body- I'm very frightened of this- felt like I was in a trance.
Another issue I'm having is - I keep having (what I have identified as, although not diagnosed with AS) is meltdowns. I said on a previous post about these outburst type episodes I have- the problem is they have been getting worse to the point where I'm having really bad ones in public. The other day, I did end up punching things and bashing my feet in public- it was the only way to prevent me acting out far worse. Yet I felt I was seriously going to loose it and I'm worried I will loose it. It's not such a bad thing when at home but when in public - I'm worried I will loose control and not just embarrass myself by shouting and punching objects but even get arrested (as I have a tendency to punch objects so I don't want to get arrested for damages) . I have been in contact with the mental health team about this as I really need advice, it's getting worse and I'm so worried about having no control in public- been told to talk to my psychologist - and my last therapy appointment with her is on Thursday - so I feel it's a bit all last minute and am really worried. I know I need to learn to cope with my issues and am trying to manage depression but now I'm having these additional symptom like things or worsening of them and I don't know what to do. I will be seeing autism team hopefully later on this year but waiting list is long and I feel I need some advice help or something- I'm not just saying this as therapy is ending as I'm aware I need to try to cope and I've been really trying to be proactive etc too.
Also what I'm about to say is very embarrassing and it probably is nothing but it makes me feel really peculiar. Firstly when I was a child I had this favourite teddy bear which was my comforter - I'd always be with him, sleep cuddling him etc. Now I kept Ted (what I named my bear as a child) as he was a massive part of my childhood , and has a lot of sentimental value but obviously dont use him like I did as a child(more just a keepsake). Anyways recently with everything going on , I took ted out again when I've been really upset and low and he has been really comforting to have, as it felt like I thought to myself yes I'm an adult but if it helps nobody has to know, and it's not harming anyone so why not. I just thought maybe since it helped as a child, I have a comfort association with my teddy bear and things have been tough so having my bear helps. Anyways this is not my concern...........
My concern is- I had an idea that I felt would help me since things are tough. I bought a small dog teddy(the size of my hand) so that I could hold it in my hand when I was upset or felt alone in public and get some comfort (as obviously having a bear in public is very taboo for an adult). So I thought yes this is fine. But the issue is..... I feel like I'm reverting back to a childlike mindset partially - the thing I feel is an issue as I keep realising I'm talking to this dog and I'm stroking his back and I feel like he is real (although he is not)- I have been getting great pleasure in thinking I'm going to take my toy dog on trips (all be it in my pocket) and we are going to visit places and I feel like I'm "playing with this dog , as though I'm a child, like I did when I was a child "- the problem is I'm not. I know logically in my brain the teddy is just an object and not real but I feel he is real and I feel I want to look after him and j keep stopping to pick him up and look after him like he is real. Hence I feel like I'm regressing back into a childlike mind- please help I'm so concerned about this- this isn't right. I know some adults collect bears and toys as a hobby but it's not like this. What is happening to me?
I feel my functioning has went down, I'm stimmimg like ever and I'm starting to mildy stim in public and I don't realise. Please help it feels like I'm an adult in an adults body, but my developmental mind age is going down and reverting to how I used to be as a child. This is so embarrassing , and people are probably going to think I'm really weird, but I just feel I have have no where else to go and don't know how I could tell anyone else.
I'm also having a lot of trouble (ashamed to say) getting ready this morning and generally looking after myself. I have been trying but it's a real struggle and I'm forgetting to eat and drink fluids sometimes too now
really struggling to get out of bed too
Also just to update I spoke to someone at an autism helpline and they recommended I g an advocate as I'm struggling to speak up and get my voice heard by professionals. I went through with it and I'm getting and advocacy worker allocated next week. I feel really patronised that I'm asking for this help but I feel I don't know what else to do and I'm struggling to speak up. I was very reluctant to do this at first as I used to work in a care home and take some residents to this group run by the same advocacy service. So I've met a lot of the workers there in a professional means. When I phoned up I spoke to someone I met and just admitted how I know her etc. and it was fine , she reassured me confidentiality. (Note - this is the advocacy service for my local area so it was there or nowhere, and that this service help out in various ways- not just mental health and autism but they also help other groups which are catered for by the residents that where at the care home where I worked). I just feel really weird as how I used to attend this service in an occupational position and to chaperone residents etc. And now I'm going to become a service user of this service. To be honest , I tried to avoid going down this route but I feel it's the best way forward, and feel I've made the right decision. Just wanted to voice I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about it.
Last night on another occasion words were coming out my mouth and I know it's happened before, but this time I started walking outside really late in my garden- it felt like I wasn't in control of my body, and that my mind wasn't telling my body to walk outside. Then when I'm outside I stand on the bench in my garden- next thing I know I'm gazing into the atmosphere around me. It felt like I was there, as I kept telling myself to go inside in my head, but my body wasn't listening to my mind- it was resisting. It took a lot of resistance and eventually my mind managed to force my body to start moving again and I went inside. Next thing I know- I become aware random words are coming out my mouth. Yes I'm aware with aspergers sometimes words come out of my mouth that don't feel like they have came from my brain, but this time I was in a weird state as I kept realising in the middle of doing it , and it wasn't like straight away that I became aware. Also my body didn't feel like it was a part of me, I was moving my arms but they didn't feel like my arms. When I'm back in bed I start pinching myself to feel my body, it doesn't feel as painful as it should so I put more force- I can feel it,but I still feel disconnected from my body. I felt like I was in a weird dazed state, and that I was an outsider to my body- I'm very frightened of this- felt like I was in a trance.
Another issue I'm having is - I keep having (what I have identified as, although not diagnosed with AS) is meltdowns. I said on a previous post about these outburst type episodes I have- the problem is they have been getting worse to the point where I'm having really bad ones in public. The other day, I did end up punching things and bashing my feet in public- it was the only way to prevent me acting out far worse. Yet I felt I was seriously going to loose it and I'm worried I will loose it. It's not such a bad thing when at home but when in public - I'm worried I will loose control and not just embarrass myself by shouting and punching objects but even get arrested (as I have a tendency to punch objects so I don't want to get arrested for damages) . I have been in contact with the mental health team about this as I really need advice, it's getting worse and I'm so worried about having no control in public- been told to talk to my psychologist - and my last therapy appointment with her is on Thursday - so I feel it's a bit all last minute and am really worried. I know I need to learn to cope with my issues and am trying to manage depression but now I'm having these additional symptom like things or worsening of them and I don't know what to do. I will be seeing autism team hopefully later on this year but waiting list is long and I feel I need some advice help or something- I'm not just saying this as therapy is ending as I'm aware I need to try to cope and I've been really trying to be proactive etc too.
Also what I'm about to say is very embarrassing and it probably is nothing but it makes me feel really peculiar. Firstly when I was a child I had this favourite teddy bear which was my comforter - I'd always be with him, sleep cuddling him etc. Now I kept Ted (what I named my bear as a child) as he was a massive part of my childhood , and has a lot of sentimental value but obviously dont use him like I did as a child(more just a keepsake). Anyways recently with everything going on , I took ted out again when I've been really upset and low and he has been really comforting to have, as it felt like I thought to myself yes I'm an adult but if it helps nobody has to know, and it's not harming anyone so why not. I just thought maybe since it helped as a child, I have a comfort association with my teddy bear and things have been tough so having my bear helps. Anyways this is not my concern...........
My concern is- I had an idea that I felt would help me since things are tough. I bought a small dog teddy(the size of my hand) so that I could hold it in my hand when I was upset or felt alone in public and get some comfort (as obviously having a bear in public is very taboo for an adult). So I thought yes this is fine. But the issue is..... I feel like I'm reverting back to a childlike mindset partially - the thing I feel is an issue as I keep realising I'm talking to this dog and I'm stroking his back and I feel like he is real (although he is not)- I have been getting great pleasure in thinking I'm going to take my toy dog on trips (all be it in my pocket) and we are going to visit places and I feel like I'm "playing with this dog , as though I'm a child, like I did when I was a child "- the problem is I'm not. I know logically in my brain the teddy is just an object and not real but I feel he is real and I feel I want to look after him and j keep stopping to pick him up and look after him like he is real. Hence I feel like I'm regressing back into a childlike mind- please help I'm so concerned about this- this isn't right. I know some adults collect bears and toys as a hobby but it's not like this. What is happening to me?
I feel my functioning has went down, I'm stimmimg like ever and I'm starting to mildy stim in public and I don't realise. Please help it feels like I'm an adult in an adults body, but my developmental mind age is going down and reverting to how I used to be as a child. This is so embarrassing , and people are probably going to think I'm really weird, but I just feel I have have no where else to go and don't know how I could tell anyone else.
I'm also having a lot of trouble (ashamed to say) getting ready this morning and generally looking after myself. I have been trying but it's a real struggle and I'm forgetting to eat and drink fluids sometimes too now
really struggling to get out of bed tooAlso just to update I spoke to someone at an autism helpline and they recommended I g an advocate as I'm struggling to speak up and get my voice heard by professionals. I went through with it and I'm getting and advocacy worker allocated next week. I feel really patronised that I'm asking for this help but I feel I don't know what else to do and I'm struggling to speak up. I was very reluctant to do this at first as I used to work in a care home and take some residents to this group run by the same advocacy service. So I've met a lot of the workers there in a professional means. When I phoned up I spoke to someone I met and just admitted how I know her etc. and it was fine , she reassured me confidentiality. (Note - this is the advocacy service for my local area so it was there or nowhere, and that this service help out in various ways- not just mental health and autism but they also help other groups which are catered for by the residents that where at the care home where I worked). I just feel really weird as how I used to attend this service in an occupational position and to chaperone residents etc. And now I'm going to become a service user of this service. To be honest , I tried to avoid going down this route but I feel it's the best way forward, and feel I've made the right decision. Just wanted to voice I'm feeling a bit embarrassed about it.
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Comments
It sounds like you've been experiencing some things recently that feel really unusual to you; how are you feeling today?
Really glad that you felt able to share these experiences and your thoughts with us here, and I do hope it helped. I'm sorry to hear that the meltdowns you experience seem to be getting worse, although it's great that you decided to get in touch with the mental health team for some support with this. How are you feeling about your last therapy session?
In regards to the teddy bear, as you said perhaps you associate this with a feeling of comfort and feeling more at ease? I know you've previously also mentioned that looking after and playing with your dogs helps you to feel better. Might it be that you've associated these two together, and perhaps having the ability to have that comforter with you all the time helps you feel better? I wonder if this is something you might also like to discuss with your psychologist :chin:
Sorry to hear that you've been struggling with looking after yourself recently. It's easy to forget to take care of ourselves when we're stressed or have a lot of worries. Do you think you might be able to think of a self-care routine to get you back on track? Mind has some good self-care ideas here.
Well done for reaching out to the autism helpline. I think you're doing really well in identifying where you need support and taking the right steps to help yourself :yes:
Keep talking to us if it helps *hug*