How do you ask my oldest friend if she wants to have sex?

Former Member

Hi I'm looking for some advice. My oldest friend who's a girl- we've known each other since we were babies- is coming over next month. She lives in Brighton. I live in Nottingham so I rarely see her. It's going to be nice. I really like her. I'd say I have a crush on her. She's so hot. I don't know if she has a crush on me. Anyway we're planning to go out for some drinks at some point. It will be good to catch up. I'm hoping it may lead to something further. Would it be odd to ask her if she wants to have sex? How could I drop hints? Is there a special way to ask her? Also our parents will be in the house so I was wondering where we could do it if she's up to it. I'd really like some advice.

Former Member

Roshyboy97 wrote: »

I really like her. I'd say I have a crush on her. ... I don't know if she has a crush on me. Anyway we're planning to go out for some drinks at some point. It will be good to catch up. I'm hoping it may lead to something further. Would it be odd to ask her if she wants to have sex?

​Hi there @Roshyboy97 thanks for coming to the forums with your questions!

Meeting up with your long-time friend after rarely seeing one another sounds like a really exciting prospect! Catch ups can be a great time to figure out where you and your friends are mentally, emotionally, within your private lives, and even professionally!

You've identified that you have a crush on your friend, and are unsure if she feels the same way. Can you think of any ways you can communicate how you feel about her, without first mentioning that you want to have sex? Perhaps telling her how you feel about her will open up the conversation about how she feels about you? Once you've got the basics covered, it may be easier to move on to heavier topics, if you get what I mean?

Let me know what you think!

Former Member

If you don't have the slightest hint if she is into you, then asking her to have sex with you is a quite effective way to put her off and probably retire the friendship. This is one of those situations were you either know exactly what you are doing (which is in most cases nothing at all, because there is simply nothing you can do or say to make her want you in that way) or that it will be child's play because she'll want it and you will quickly realize what's up and play along (very unlikely).

I think the best you can do is have a super good time and see if you can meet each other more frequently. The chances if there have never been any indication from her are practically nil.

Former Member

Many girls will never make the first move. How can he tell the difference between if she's not showing any sexual interest in him because she doesn't want him sexually as opposed to her wanting him sexually, but doesn't indicate it because she's shy / thinks a girl shouldn't make the first move / wants to be seduced / wants to be taken on several dates first etc.?

Former Member

When a girl fancies you, you can in most cases tell. It's subtle, but if you have absolutely no hint chances are overwhelming that she just wants to be friends. In that case, such an unwanted proposal is prone to have her withdraw.

Former Member

In most cases, yes - but not in all cases. It might be so subtle that he's not picking up on it. Sometimes a girl hints in such a vague way that it's difficult to tell - even if she thinks she's being clear. Conversely, some girls flirt routinely which gives the impression that she wants sex even when she doesn't.

What he's asking is if there's a way to find out for sure if she wants sex with him without actually asking her for it. As you say, if he asks her for sex and she doesn't want it, there will be negative consequences. They're lifelong friends and if she takes it badly she may end the friendship.

Former Member

The OP has given very little info about the object of his desire, so it's difficult for us to give him advice about how to approach the subject with her. We know nothing about her personality, her sex life, her likes and dislikes etc. We need info about her in order to advise him correctly. Approaching the subject with a sensitive, shy, prudish virgin is very different to approaching it with a sexually liberal, sexually experienced, sexually adventurous, extroverted girl.

The one thing I can already advise you about is where to have sex. A hotel room or bed & breakfast would be good. However, she'd have to agree to having sex with you first. Bear in mind that your parents would know that you & her are away for the night. I don't know what their attitude towards that would be - or whether they would tell her parents and what their reaction might be.

Former Member

Roshy, you said 'our parents will be in the house', so I take it that you live with your parents and that she and her parents will be staying with you. How would both sets of parents feel about you and the girl having sex together? You're going to have to either have sex in the house whilst both pairs of parents are present - or have sex elsewhere. How long are she and her parents going to be staying in your house? As well as not knowing whether or not she fancies you and what her attitude to and experience of sex is - you haven't told us what each pair of parents' attitudes to sex is or whether they know that you fancy her. You're going to have to give us a lot more information in order for us to be able to help advise you appropriately.

Former Member

Has your friend arrived yet?

Former Member

Hi Roshy,

I wouldn't straight on ask her whether she wants to have sex, its always best to be certain that she likes you too, to avoid an uncomfortable situation.Have you also thought about what sort of consequences it would have on your friendship? If two people like each other, sex will happen naturally, its not something you plan, it just happens. I agree with bouvier, I think you should first tell her how you feel about her, and see whether she feels the same, and start from there.

Former Member

Many people plan sex - it doesn't always 'just happen'. There are many cases in which both people want it, but neither mentions it because they each wrongly believe / assume that the other person doesn't want them in that way. If the two people are friends, neighbours etc. they are often afraid that mentioning it could ruin what they already have together and make things awkward between them.

You haven't given Roshy an idea of what he should say to his friend. You advise him to tell her how he feels about her, but not to ask her if she wants sex with him. However, how he feels about her is that he wants to have sex with her - so you appear to be contradicting yourself. Can you explain this better, so that we can advise the OP better?

Former Member

Hi Steve,

I have never planned a sexual encounter with anyone. How is your response helpful Steve? You are judging what I wrote, and as a matter of fact I expressed my opinion on what I would do in a situation like this. Im sure that if Roshy didn't find my response detailed enough he will let me know himself

Former Member

I don't know why you're being hostile to me, we're meant to be working together to help the OP. You didn't say what you would do in this situation, you said it would happen naturally and you said he should tell her how he feels about her without telling her what he wants to do with her - despite them being the same thing. That's why I suggested you clarify what you meant. Hence my post is intended to be helpful - as are the rest of my posts on this thread, in which I give useful advice that's as specific as it can be with the severely limited info he's given.

Roshy isn't replying to anyone here. He's probably not found what we've said in this thread to be useful enough to him, which is why I suggested that we try harder to answer his question.

You've said that people will naturally have sex together if they like each other. However, most people don't have sex with the majority of people whom they like. Merely liking someone isn't usually enough. If it were, we'd all be having sex with many people - left, right and centre. We already know that Roshy and his friend like each other - they're lifelong friends. What we and he don't know is if she wants to have sex with him.

I regularly plan sex. I have sex at regular times on regular days with my sex buddy. I also occasionally have sex with other girls, which often isn't planned. Overall, on most of the occasions on which I have had sex it has been planned. If you don't plan things, what do you do about contraception, making sure no-one catches you etc.? When Roshy's friend visits, his parents and her parents will be in the house - so they'll probably have to plan where and when to have sex. I certainly wouldn't want both sets of parents being in earshot whilst I'm having sex with someone! Sex can't always be spontaneous and 'just happen' - in the case of Roshy and his friend it's unlikely to be that way. If sex had to be spontaneous, then most of the times I've had sex wouldn't have happened. I've had sex with girls I've met at parties. I wouldn't have had sex in the middle of the party with many people around. We needed to plan where we'd go to have sex - her place, my place or a room at the house where the party was taking place where we could be alone. Some people like or don't mind an audience watching them, but I much prefer to be alone with the girl during sex. The only time I want another person in the room during sex is when it's a threesome - and even then the third person has to be a hot girl.

Former Member

Look Steve, you are taking it too personal, everyone should be free to help other people without being criticised by other members. I respect everyone's point of view, but as I said its not up to you to judge whether my advice was helpful or not. You might not agree with it, which is perfectly fine, but there's no need to make other members feel bad because they expressed their opinion. You are making a sweeping statement. Only because two people are lifelong friends, doesn't mean they automatically like each other in a romantic sort of way. You are right I should have given a more detailed answer but I am new here and still getting the hang of it, I usually don't plan sex as I live with my partner so things are different, but yeah things are not that simple if you live with your parents.

Former Member

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad. I'm trying to collaborate in giving Roshy good advice. His situation is complicated by the fact that both pairs of parents will be in the house and the fact that he and her are lifelong friends. The first issue means that they have to plan things to a certain extent. The second issue means that there's a good friendship at stake.

From the title of his post, it appears that he intends to ask her for sex. The geographic distance between them prevents it from being a regular thing. He hasn't said how long she's going to be staying at his for, but it's probably going to be a matter of days. Therefore he has a limited amount of time to get to the point. He can't spend a few weeks beating around the bush.

It'd be useful if someone who's been in Roshy's situation told us how they dealt with it.