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Everything's falling apart *trig*

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Okay, so, I'm new here so I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place or whatever but I really don't know what to do. Please bare with me...

A few months ago had a major mental "crash" and I can't seem to get myself out of it. I've battled with SI and Mental Health issues since I was a child but always kept it a secret. My secret comfort in loneliness.
A few weeks ago, I got married. Everything was already booked and planned before I broke down so we went ahead with the wedding.

Last week, I confessed to another form of SI - to my new husband- and he took it very badly due to an incident which happened in his past. Due to this, he already regrets marrying me and expects me to be able to stop hurting myself (in every form) INSTANTLY. Obviously, I see this as an unrealistic expectation as it is something I have relied on for over 13 years.

On top of all this, he has also told my parents of whom I had hidden 90% of my problems from. I don't have the strongest relationship with my parents to say the least and its really unsettling me that they now know what they do.

im getting scared of taking my meds again because I'm trying so hard not to hurt myself. I have huge issues opening up to people because half of whayni say goes unheard. Its almost like they subliminally tell me "you've dealt with it this long, obviously you're fine" when up until now, my "issues" were always the lesser of my problems.

I'm scared of telling my husband how much I'm struggling because he has a chronic condition and I'm making him worse by exhausting him with my MH. I'm literally killing him because my head won't shut the f*** up.

I really feel like I'm failing everyone around me and pulling them down. Everyone asks how they can help but whenever I get an idea, it gets shut down.
Only had a couple of hours sleep in the past couple of days.
I know it makes my head worse but when I sleep, all I see is flashbacks and nastiness. I wake up more distressed.
Plus, I can't let it get me tired. I need to stay with it and keep myself safe. He's relying on ime to keep safe.

The longer I go, the more impulsive I get... I don't know whether to just harm and keep more control or what?? I don't know where I am anymore.
I don't know what to do and I don't know how to help myself anymore. I'm so lost

I'm sorry for intruding on your forum.
But thank you if you've taken the time to read this. It means a lot.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Doesn't even look like my husband really wants to talk to me today. I don't blame him. I just keep laying here. Looking into nothing. No reason for it all.
    Rapidly cycling from Suicidal to reasonable to irrational.
    Losing the will as every day just gets longer.
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,310 Master Poster
    Hey Kira and welcome to The Mix forums. Don't worry, this is in the right place and you're in no way intruding on the forums. We are all here for you and care about you. Sometimes writing down your feelings can really help you.
    I have no idea what to say to comfort and support you, but *hugs* this all sounds so overwhelming and difficult to deal with. I just wanted to let you know that as well as the forum, there is a moderated support chat that takes place 5 times a week. It's a judgement free place where everyone can give and receive support for any feelings or issues they may be going though.
    I'm sure you're not alone in the way you are feeling!
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for your reply..
    It might seem silly but it really does mean a lot!!
    I've felt so alone in the past week after my husband told me he has given up on me.
    Not seeing any "professionals" for three weeks. Seems like forever.
    I'm just worried because I can't see a future anymore. I used to.
    Even the thought of tomorrow fills me with fear.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stupidly fell asleep last night. The good news is, I feel more stable, the bad news is I now feel like an empty void. Deprived of emotions until I hurt myself.
    The mind conjuring the memory of every bad moment that has led up to now and playing them back on loop until I eventually cave. Give in and give it what it wants.
    A battle of wills between body and mind. Right or wrong. Consequences.
    Good and bad.
    But what is good and bad?? A long line of perceptual expectations. "Moral high ground" why do we have it? Why do we always see the worst in things before the good. Why is it that I cannot be happy without physical pain?
    Why do I have to drag him into this hole of dispair and unjust emotions? It feels like the terrible blackness wants him. Him away from me. Not to keep me safe, quite the opposite in fact... It wants me in danger. Its making me WANT the danger.
    Fight all I like, I'll never get rid of it because nobody believes me. That they're real. Nobody believes IN me.
    Just keep me from screaming and turn the other way.
  • StephSteph Moderator Posts: 448 Boards Initiate
    Hi Kira,

    Welcome to The Mix boards :wave:

    You've done really well to speak about how you've been feeling here and what's been going on for you at the moment. It's really positive that you're reaching out for some help for yourself. It sounds like things are really tough at the moment, you've done really well to write about it here :)

    How are you feeling now? You were saying the other day that you feel more stable now but that you feel like an empty void, could you say more about this feeling? You're being really brave to talk about your feelings here.

    You were saying that the terrible blackness wants, want him away from you, would you be able to say a bit more about this terrible blackness? You were also saying that it's making you want the danger, what's causing you to want the danger are you able to say?

    Sounds really hard for you when you say that nobody believes you and nobody believes in you. What makes you say this? Have you been able to speak to anyone else about what's going on for you?

    The link to our Support Chat as Elle mentioned can be found here - it's open this evening from 8pm to 9.30pm feel free to go along if you think it's something that might be helpful for you.

    We also have some articles related to Mental Health in this section of our website which might be useful for you.

    Hope this helps :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, I haven't been able to face coming online.
    I can't use the chat on my tablet unfortunately, but thank you for sending me the link.
    It helps to know im not alone.

    Things have, if anything, got worse.
    Went to see the same-day Dr today as I finally got hold of the crisis team last night, who couldn't offer me any support.
    They've put my meds up again and done a referral to the crisis team which will take SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS!!!
    Husbands Dr was talking about sending me into hospital but didn't know how to go about it (our Doctors have liaised) I'm seeing my doctor on Friday. He has been put on ADs now too.
    We have literally no other support.
    I'm not even seeing the point in even being here anymore. I'm only making everything worse for everyone.
    Harmed bad enough to need a proper dressing tonight but there is no way I can get it looked at so just gonna have to make to with what I've got.

    What's in my head is making me either not take my meds or not eat. It doesn't want me to be around my husband-because he helps me.
    I know I'm only screwing things up more by not taking them but it makes me so scared that I would rather not take them and physically hurt myself less.
    This seems never ending and i don't know what to do or where to turn.
    Seems like there is no other options.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kira,

    I really feel the heaviness in your words, a sense of all your options closing in...:( How frustrating to be given such a long waiting time when your difficulties are escalating right now. It sounds incredibly hard. Mind infoline provide advice on mental health support and may be able to help you go over your options at this stage, there may also be a local drop in that you could go to.

    I'm also really struck by this idea of something 'other' than you in your head, telling you to not be around your husband (because he helps you), or to take your meds or even to eat. It sounds as though there is part of you that feels you don't deserve to be helped or nurtured - I want to reassure you that this is in fact a common feeling amongst people here who experience similar symptoms - the flashbacks and negative thoughts. These are really scary experiences and often a result of difficult experiences in the past where you may have felt a loss of control.

    I wonder what you might like to say to this part of yourself? Can you allow the part of you that is surviving to speak up for you instead? We're rooting for you! You do deserve support and you are worth of receiving it :yes:

    It's understandable that after using self harm to cope and to feel for all these years that the idea of stopping is unrealistic for you. A trained professional would recognise this too ideally and rather than asking you to stop, they would work on making sure you're safe, for example with some info on first aid (https://www.selfharm.co.uk/get/staying_safe/looking_after_you), and also work on building up your alternative ways of coping focusing on your strengths and the resources you do have. By doing that, over time hopefully self harm doesn't always have to take the front seat.

    So on that note - what do you and your partner enjoy doing together? Have there been things in the past that have helped you in terms of distractions? I'm also wondering if you have any sense of what may have led to this 'crash'?

    We're here for you, keep talking to us when you can and if you're feeling in need of a listening ear then don't forget that Samaritans are there on the phone or via email too, 24/7. They will listen to you and your thoughts and feelings without judgement.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you,
    Our MIND line in our area is near closure and are very difficult to get hold of. All of the drop-in centres are in the middle of the city, where there are too many people for me to handle at the moment. I am well-versed in first aid, I come from a family of nurses and am always able to deal with my injries at home. What worries !me is that the urges are getting worse and I want to hurt my arms (which I haven't done in nearly 10 years)

    I argue with what's in my head all the time - like a full on conversation/argument.
    It was literally, I woke up one day and the voice is after vengeance-or that's what it feels like anyway. I reckon that its maybe for the first time in my life, I actually want to live, and it doesn't like that. There was nothing in particular that triggered this.

    My husband and I are huge gamers but there is nothing I'm taking interest in at the moment and everyday I can see how much harder it is getting for him to look after me. I'm spending most of my days in the bedroom because its the safest place for me to be, even though I know its not the best way to deal with things.

    I ended up ringing 111 last night because I'm feeling really unsafe... They only made things worse. The Doctor who rang back was very sarcastic with me and refused to understand that I was genuinely worried I would hurt myself to the point I would need medical treatment. He said that it was irrelevant. And the fact I am suicidal - irrelevant (that's the exact word he used)
    I've had bad experiences in the past with SAMs, and find it frustrating having to repeat myself every other message (I won't call them anymore).

    I really do feel now that there is nowhere else to turn.
    I'm going to be stuck like this forever and drag my husband down with me.
    He's already scared enough because of how suicidal I am.
    Trying to stay safe till tomorrow when I'll see my normal GP.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Kira,

    It's really good that you felt able to call 111 when you were feeling unsafe; that shows real courage so well done you.

    I'm sorry to hear you didn't get what you expected from the call, and that you haven't found the Samaritans helpful in the past. Remember you can also call 999 if you are feeling unsafe, and there is also HopeLine, who are there to listen, as well as TESS, who will listen to you and may help to talk about those urges :yes:

    I wonder if you have any ideas for coping or distractions when the urges or feelings are getting intense? We have an old thread on here with some ideas compiled.

    How did it go with your GP?

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you.
    i will consider the other options, there isn't a lot locally and I'm not very comfortable on the phone but its reassuring to know that there IS someone else there if I need them. Over the years, I've built up a repertoire over the years of things I use and my bedside cabinet is full of "calm" stuff that I use on a daily basis. Not a great help with no concentration though.

    Things have been pretty bad tbh. GP put in an emergency referral, meaning the assessment team have to see me within a week... Its been nearly two.
    I'm scared of SHing because its getting worse and I'm losing the battle.
    I think its more, I know I'm gonna hurt my arms, I'm just trying to find a moment where I feel I have relative control of the severity.
    I know I'll disappoint a lot of people by doing it but the voice is basically stopping me taking my meds and sleeping, which is a dangerous concoction in itself.

    Just completely closing down and isolating myself because it's the only way I feel safe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey Kira,

    I really hear that withdrawing feels like a way to find safety, to isolate yourself and shut down. It sounds as thought facing the 'real' world is becoming increasingly difficult and overwhelming and as you say, lack of sleep and meds will be having a real impact on your mood and most likely a negative one.

    I'm glad to hear the GP has taken you seriously and asked for an emergency referral, if it is meant to be within a week then do call the surgery and persue this if you can muster the motivation. They should have been in touch and it's okay to follow it up, you are entitled to know why it has taken longer than it should and this sounds like an important step forward in getting you some support.

    I really like the idea of the calm stuff in your bedside cabinet, how about seeing if you can do one thing today from your cabinet? What has worked best in the past?

    We're here for you so do keep talking to us *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks again. I really can't tell you how appreciative I am of your replies.

    My counsellor said he was going to chase it up and e-mail me but I just don't think it'll ever happen. Apparently "special measures" means "ignore every new referral". The GPs can't really do much else but refer again, which my counsellor should be sorting.
    i do want to call my GP, I just have so little confidence, it seems like a silly thing to do.

    Yeah, it is my safe place but does feel like its becoming more difficult. Trying to pretend that im coping better for my husband but even that is almost too hard.
    I feel like if I try and start to tell him how I'm feeling and what's in my head then he just shuts down and tells me how hard it is for him. I know its hard for him. He doesn't see that his illness affects me too. I know I'm making things worse for him, I just doint know how to make them better.

    Things got bad last night, I read something I wrote a few years back and realised that although I thought there had been periods where it had left me alone, I was wrong. Its been there the whole time. Ended up hurting my arm... First time in nearly 10 years. I guess I should feel bad, but I don't.
    i should feel like I failed, but I don't.
    I don't know how to tell my husband. He doesn't understand why I SH either. He tries, just doesn't really get it
    I don't know how to approach the subject. I can't write it, that didn't work well last time.

    Been trying to get on with finishing some clothing projects I've been doing... Needless to say, I didn't get much done but it at least kept me busy while I was on my own.

    Now, I just feel incredibly angry (which is unlike me).
    I was thinking last night that I should probably physically talk to someone about how bad its getting, now its back on my arms, but again, my confidence (or, lack of) says that's a stupid thing to do and just fills me with fear.(I have written down the HopeLine number though - thank you Raich.)

    Still hardly slept. Doubt I will tonight.
    Exhausted and just want to give in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh, and to answer your question,
    in the past, nothing has really helped as such. I've always been pushed out of one behaviour and slipped in to another so that it looked like I had stopped and getting better etc.
    Just distract with as many things as I can think of.
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