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think i'm drowning
Former Member
NoobPosts: 74 Budding Regular
i'm not doing well.
i can't even hide it anymore. i can put on make-up and try to find a matching outfit or whatever, but i know it's still there on my face: the sad. they see me being miserable and bitter and angry at the world, and they see me not turning homework in on time, and not having a clue whether i'm coming or going most of the day, and they see me slowly descending into nothingness and they think i'm just lazy, i'm a misery to be around, i'm just that kind of person. (maybe i am? i'm not sure who i was before i was sad.)
what they don't see is what's going on inside: the waves of misery and stress and pressure are pulling me under, weights fixed to my limbs, weighing me down, every limb growing heavier and heavier the more i try to swim. i'm scared one day i'm going to stop trying. i'm scared, because it would be so much easier to let the water enter my lungs, and i don't want to, but i don't know how to keep going any more when nothing is going to be enough...
i had a couple of good days, a few days of being able to breathe (though this is probably because i didn't think about schoolwork and exams for two whole days) and for a moment i thought i was going to be okay, that i could do this on my own, that things could be okay... but i was wrong because now i'm back to feeling like this and i don't know what to do, i feel so helpless
i keep meaning to start some cbt stuff online to see if that helps, but i don't have the energy or the motivation to do that right now (not alone anyway) and besides, i don't have time. exams are so close and i am so unprepared... and if i don't succeed, i guess i don't see the point in trying to go on in the first place. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i can't help it.
anyway. i'm not sure why i'm posting here because this probably sounds pretentious and/or attention-seeking, but i just need to put it somewhere other than in my head. i'm sorry.
the long and the short of it is this: i think i'm drowning, and no-one has even seen the water.
i can't even hide it anymore. i can put on make-up and try to find a matching outfit or whatever, but i know it's still there on my face: the sad. they see me being miserable and bitter and angry at the world, and they see me not turning homework in on time, and not having a clue whether i'm coming or going most of the day, and they see me slowly descending into nothingness and they think i'm just lazy, i'm a misery to be around, i'm just that kind of person. (maybe i am? i'm not sure who i was before i was sad.)
what they don't see is what's going on inside: the waves of misery and stress and pressure are pulling me under, weights fixed to my limbs, weighing me down, every limb growing heavier and heavier the more i try to swim. i'm scared one day i'm going to stop trying. i'm scared, because it would be so much easier to let the water enter my lungs, and i don't want to, but i don't know how to keep going any more when nothing is going to be enough...
i had a couple of good days, a few days of being able to breathe (though this is probably because i didn't think about schoolwork and exams for two whole days) and for a moment i thought i was going to be okay, that i could do this on my own, that things could be okay... but i was wrong because now i'm back to feeling like this and i don't know what to do, i feel so helpless
i keep meaning to start some cbt stuff online to see if that helps, but i don't have the energy or the motivation to do that right now (not alone anyway) and besides, i don't have time. exams are so close and i am so unprepared... and if i don't succeed, i guess i don't see the point in trying to go on in the first place. i know that sounds ridiculous, but i can't help it.anyway. i'm not sure why i'm posting here because this probably sounds pretentious and/or attention-seeking, but i just need to put it somewhere other than in my head. i'm sorry.
the long and the short of it is this: i think i'm drowning, and no-one has even seen the water.
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Comments
I get the impression you would ideally like people to know about and be able to see the metaphorical water you're drowning in - I wonder how you might be able to do help them see it? Particularly as it sounds like the thing making or breaking you at the moment seems to be your education, perhaps you could start there when trying to give people some context about what's becoming to overwhelming in your life?
Do you think you might be making a lot of assumptions, here? Not saying I (or anyone else) wouldn't do the same, but sometimes it's good to think about how we get to a certain place in our minds and whether it's justified/logical.
Of course, most of us can tell when someone is not doing so well and when their mood changes. We can also often tell when someone is acting differently to who they are when they're given the room to flourish (something I get the impression you haven't been able to do in a long time). But, a lot of people (at least those of the more empathetic nature) won't leap to judgments about why you're acting a certain way or the person you are, just because of how you appear to them. They'll realise that people go through ebbs and flows in life, and will know that the way you act when you're not feeling your best isn't who you are to the core. They'll think about the important things:
"I wonder why they're acting off, today."
"There must be a reason they seem so sad."
"I haven't seen them looking happy and fulfilled in a while, they must be dealing with a lot."
I hope you're doing okay at the minute, Ravenclaw, and please do feel free to let us know how things are going *hug*
I guess I hadn't thought about whether they were assumptions... I'm pretty sure there are people who think those things (there's this one person who does all the same subjects and so I can't help comparing myself to him, he's doing 8 hours of revision a day and the fact that I struggle to even do the minimum homework at the moment is clearly unfathomable to him) but I suppose it's true that there might be more empathetic people around who might understand. I will try to remember that, though right now I really wouldn't blame anyone for thinking I was a misery to be around as sustaining a conversation is near impossible for me at the moment.
Yesterday was even worse than usual. I'm not even sure why. Things are more than overwhelming right now, it just feels like there's no way out. I wanted to tell someone to stop myself doing something bad, but it was my friend's birthday and I couldn't ruin it for her, so ended up having a bit of a breakdown and crying/hiding in the bathroom for half an hour. I'm not sure what I'd have done if one of my internet friends hadn't messaged me, but thankfully they did and I calmed down but I'm still feeling a bit
It's true that I want people to be able to see the water - not because I want attention or even help from some people, I just don't want them to think I've chosen to be like this. I want them to realise that I'm balancing more than just school stuff, and it's not just laziness or who I am (I hope, though as I said I'm not really sure. It's been a while.). Support is a part of it though. After yesterday I'm thinking again about telling Mum, but saying I need to talk to her is hard enough, let alone actually telling her how I feel. I might try today because it feels like I've hit the point where I have two options: get help or get so bad there's no going back. There's still the matter of what to do after I've told her though... she'll probably suggest we go to the GP, but waiting lists for mh services are ridiculous. Then again I don't really know what my options are apart from that - I've looked around but there aren't really any other services I can find where I live in the middle of nowhere.
Anyway, sorry for this very rambly and melodramatic message. And thank you again for your support, I am very grateful.
I am so sorry to hear you're feeling this way again, the way you describe these feelings is great, by the way. It's always okay to come on to the boards to vent about how you're feeling, we are all here for you and care about you. I like the term care seeking, you're posts are in no way seeking attention but support and care.
It's totally up to you when you decide to tell someone else about how you are feeling. It's great that you have internet friends who message you and help you to calm down.
Thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply
Yesterday I had a complete breakdown. I have an exam in two days but despite this I couldn't mange to do any work, I felt sick and dizzy and panicky, and genuinely felt like I was going crazy. It was terrifying. I just felt like I hit breaking point and I was going to drown unless I did something. So... I told my Mum. I haven't told her the extent of what's happening, just made it sound like a recent thing, but she was actually really good about it and I think I'm going to go and see a GP soon.
Sounds like things have been really tough for you, and just wanted to reach out with a *hug*
Exams are stressful for most people, but sounds like things are getting overwhelming for you, and I'm so glad to hear that you reached out to your mum, and may be going to the GP. If you decide to see the GP, I'd recommend DocReady to help prepare for your appointment : http://www.docready.org/#/home . GP appointments are very pushed for time as it is, and its especially good to prepare to help you talk about more difficult subjects and be able to get out all the important information. Additionally if you felt too nervous on the day you could even just let your doctor read the list you made, themselves. Just wanted to make you aware (if you don't already know) you are entitled to choose the doctor or gender of a doctor, if that would make you feel more comfortable, and don't be afraid to ask for a double appointment if you feel more time would be beneficial.
I remember a really great quote you told me that you use- (something a long the lines of) : "It may not be my best, but its the best that I can do at this moment in time." , maybe it would be helpful to keep it in mind. I also find it reassuring to remember there are other options if your exams don't go well e.g. resits, college etc. However that doesn't by any means to say it won't go well, sometimes we can surprise ourselves.
Maybe practicing good self-care would be helpful for now, it is important that you look after yourself first. If you feel unwell physically or mentally, taking time out from studying is totally okay- do something you enjoy and just try to generally look after yourself. As hard as it is sometimes just trying to focus on the here and now, can help - I find mindfulness a good way to practice this, but you can also do it anytime anywhere. I found a good resource that explains some grounding techniques in more detail at : http://www.peirsac.org/peirsacui/er/educational_resources10.pdf .
I hope you feel better soon and good luck for your exams
Keep posting if you feel it helps
Thank you so much for your lovely message *hug* I really appreciate it.
Ahh yes, I had forgotten about that quote! I definitely like using that when I feel I haven't done enough due to other stuff happening, though at the moment I'm having a bit of trouble telling myself that as it feels like I could be doing better even when I'm down, and more than that, I don't think I can afford to not be doing enough as getting into my chosen uni is kind of a one-shot thing. But this is a good point, so thank you very much for reminding me of that!
You're right, I maybe do need to work on self-care a bit more consistently - thank you for the link to grounding techniques, that looks really helpful! I'll try and work on it and see how it goes.
As for seeing a GP, I went today and it was really lucky I'd made a list beforehand because as soon as I walked into the room I felt like I couldn't say anything in my head out loud without crying or something stupid like that, so ended up just giving her the list to read herself. Anyway, it went okay, it was a bit rushed and I'm not sure how well I got across how things have been (even with the help of the list) but hopefully I'm going to be starting some talking therapy of some description and maybe that way I can start to get things sorted. Am very nervous, still can't really believe I'm doing this as I never imagined I would ever actually get the courage to ask for help and so it feels weird that what's normally a secret hidden away in my head is now on a computer system somewhere out in the open.
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The next thing I've been thinking of is whether I should tell my school about this stuff. I don't really want people to know or see me differently, but at the same time I'd like to explain why I haven't been a great student recently so that they understand why I'm so far behind where I need to be, and also I'm so scared that I'm going to miss my university grades, so maybe if I tell my school there's a way my chosen uni could be informed of what's happening and that would be taken into account? On the other hand, I kind of feel like it'd just look like I'm making excuses or being over-dramatic, as what I have isn't as severe as many people experience so maybe there's no point telling the university as it doesn't mean anything. I don't know, and I'm not sure who to ask about it either.
There can be a lot of pressure on young people now a days to get into uni, it's easy to forget that there are other options and other ways to get into uni- not that you will need them, but it can be reassuring to know that. Also, universities can be very understanding of people with mental health difficulties and perhaps they may take this into consideration if you inform them (will add to this later in the post).
Additionally there are a lot of aspects in our lives that may be important (some more so for different people) from friendships, family, relationships etc- it can be easy to forget that when we are all bogged down with exams, wanting to get onto this course at this university etc. I get the feeling that you set really high expectations of yourself (I may be wrong) , it's great to have achievements and goals, and you can meet those expectations of yourself. However they can also be very anxiety provoking, hence its important to ask yourself if these high goals themselves are causing a lot of anxiety. Mindfulness can be a great tool to bring yourself back to this moment, especially when you are struggling with various emotions - from sadness, to anxiety and stress.
Im really happy to hear the progress your making - self-care, visiting your GP are all positive steps towards recovery- it's important to give yourself a pat on the back for taking positive steps (no matter how big or small)- you have been so brave in seeing your GP with regards to your mental health (it can be a very frightening experience).
Unfortunately GP appointments are time limited, and there is no rush at all to get everything out at your first apointment- it seems your GP has enough information to believe therapy may be of benefit for you. You may also find that if you attend therapy, your therapist will get to know you better than your GP (as there is a lot more time to discuss your issues). I am just wondering how do you feel about the prospect of therapy?
I think it perfectly normal to feel apprehensive, shocked and relieved in your situation - I felt the similar after reaching out to my GP with regards to my mental health too. I think it's good to remember that your GP is there to help you, not judge you and so it's a good thing that they are aware of how you feel/have been struggling.
I think if you feel able to tell your school it may be helpful, although there is certainly no pressure to do so. Even just making them aware, could reassure yourself - e.g. they now know why so I don't have to worry about them thinking this or that.
Sounds like your feeling really overwhelmed, and it's easy to jump to conclusions like I will fail, but we can't predict the future and so I can't say you will pass or fail, but you haven't failed yet - maybe it's best to wait and see your results- you may even surprise yourself
Universities are normally quite good with students who have mental health issues - let me tell you telling my university was one of the best things they did- my uni were able to offer me alternative exam arrangements, a mentor I meet weekly and more - yes every university is different, but I just wanted to make you aware of what universities can offer if you inform them about your mental health struggles.
There will always be people better and worse off than you, but the important thing is that if you are struggling, you deserve and should get the help you need. I think sometimes we can get confused about if we really are struggling or if we are just making it up- it's not your fault though and I don't think you are being over- dramatic at all
Ravenclaw, you have done so well and been so brave, I think you deserve something nice and rewarding for yourself -have you got any hobbies, or a favourite food ?
Keep posting if you feel it helps
Thank you so much for this, I'm sorry it's taken me a while to respond but I read it when you posted and really appreciate it
You're completely right about the high expectations, it's something I really struggle with as well as perfectionism. Unfortunately I haven't yet worked out how to lower those expectations without feeling like I've not lived up to my full potential, but I guess that's something that'll take a while. I am going to try again at working at mindfulness, too - I started using an app a while ago to help with that but recently have just let that slide and keep forgetting to use it.
I'm not sure how I feel about the prospect of therapy - mostly hopeful, I guess, as earlier in the year I had a short run of telephone counselling through GetConnected which was helpful, but also kind of worried just in case it doesn't help, especially as from what I've heard the therapy I'm being offered is mostly guided self-help and I'm worried I'll not be able to do it. However, I'm trying just to go with a 'see how it goes' kind of attitude, and hopefully it should be okay.
As for telling my school/uni, I can definitely see the benefits but at the same time I still worry that I'll just be seen to be making excuses. Like, my teacher might see the grades and think I've just invented something because I'm not happy with my progress or something. Idk. I think I'll wait until I've been referred to the therapy and feel a bit more like there is something to tell them about, and then speak to one of my teachers.
Thank you lovely. *hug* Yesterday I took the evening off to relax because this week's been a very big one in a lot of ways - unfortunately I can't often do the stuff I used to love like writing, because stress pretty much kills all creativity, but it was nice to give myself permission to do nothing all the same.