Boyfriend Seems Sad

Former Member

Hey,

So My boyfriend and I have been together about a year now, and he has a 9 year old daughter, soon to be 10 in May. Over the past 3 or so months, he's seems to be sad about his child growing out of her youth. I know not being a parent myself makes him think I don't understand how he feels, but I more or less do, as I see my parents not wanting to let me go.

Yesterday he found a letter his daughter wrote for a boy in her class. He won't tell me anything about it right now, but he seemed very worried and upset after finding it. (I cannot understand the letter because it's in Spanish - my boyfriend is from Uruguay and now lives over here). All he said to me if that he doesn't know whether to explain to her mother that he's not happy with the note, so she does something about it, or do nothing about it and just let it go. He said if he does do something, he doesnt wanna feel guilty for taking action on it in the future, but on the other hand, if he doesnt do anything, he doesnt wanna feel guilty for not doing anything (if that makes sense, I understand what he means).

So basically, I dont know what I can do, if I should do anything. He said he's gonna talk about it this week after he thinks about the whole situation. What should he do? I just really wanna help him.

Former Member

Hi there LottiePottie, welcome to the boards :wave:

Seems like a hard situation to be in and feeling so helpless isn't easy

Sounds like you're already being really supportive though. By asking and trying to understand him and wanting to get involved will surely show him that you care about him, his daughter and this whole situation. He's making you feel like you can't understand him right now and may be slightly pushing you away - which must be really difficult for you - but perhaps it's simply his way of handling it right now as he may just need a little time to digest all this.

He seems worried about making a "mistake" in his decision, especially towards how her mum will react - am i correct? Do they have a good relationship him and his daughter's mum? What is the relationship like between you and the mum? and with his daughter?

Perhaps the most you can do right now is listen to him debating all these options and letting him know that whatever decision he makes you are behind him - and that if he needs any advice that you are there.

Good luck, do let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

Hi Christele, thanks for replying,

So far he's kept everything on the down low. Avoids the conversation, changes the subject...

I know him, and inside he's thinking (probably overthinking), and sad. I can see clearly he is sad, because he is not himself. I've tried to cheer him up with the things he loves, cooking, massages, watching his football, but nothing changes the sadness in his eyes.

He isn't overly close with his daughters mother, he looks at her solely as the mother of his child. Like, they never have a go to have a coffee together with thier kid. They did once or twice before but believe me, its an absolute rarity. She takes all of the control of the daughter and if theres something my boyfriend wants to do with her, he has to have permission from her mother, and she never gives him permission if it's to do with him. For example, they've never been on holiday together (my boyfriend and his daughter). The mother has also recently 'banned' the child from sleeping over at one of our friends houses (they have a child 2 years older than his daughter and she is really good friends).

Personally, I am very close with his daughter, i take her for days out, buy her everything she asks me she wants.. But with the mother, she more or less ignores me, just speaks to me when needed.

I'm worried about him because today he got bad news about his leg (2 years ago he had a motorbike accident), and that he needs yet another operation, so he's falling into mega sadness. He seems to be in his own little world and he won't open the doors to let me help him. I'm so unsure on what to do.

Former Member

Hi LottiePottie,

It seems like he is still struggling to express his feelings around this sensitive subject. His child is growing up and it may seem scary and unknown to him plus the fact and the frustrations around having to get permission from the mother all the time can't be easy. It's hard for him but it also sounds really tough for you too - trying to constantly help him feel better and doing things to improve his mood etc takes it's toll. Its not easy and must be really exhausting for you. And of course you would be worried about him, especially after the bad news about his leg *hug*

What is important to remember though is that you are clearly showing you are here for him - and have shown you are also here for his daughter and involved and supporting him and his family. Sometimes as much as we try to help/rescue/fix the situation, unless they are ready we can't. Even though he may not be letting you in right now, your efforts is something he won't forget and when he is ready he will hopefully feel able to open up to you.

Have a look at our articles around depression if that's what he might be going through. And there are also articles on dealing with it as a partner *hug*