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Don't know what to do...
pumpkinpie
Posts: 129 The Mix Convert
Hi.
Lately I've been feeling really low and miserable, and I'm worrying a lot more, especially about school. I feel like I don't fit in with anybody, because a lot of people in my year either don't talk to me, act weirdly like they don't want to talk to me or be downright nasty. Sure, people will talk to me, but they don't come across as super friendly. I feel like I have almost no friends, and the two people I would class as friends don't stick up for me and are obsessed with anime (which I don't get) and talk about it all the time. And one of them is a year younger and the other (who is in my year) might be leaving the school soon, so I might have pretty much nobody in my year to talk to. Like a lot of schools, mine is very cliquey, and there are some classes where everyone is in their own groups and literally nobody will talk to me voluntary- I always have to make the effort and they still shun me. Also, a lot of the girls are very cruel, saying nasty things or ignoring me and a lot of the boys are very immature, calling me names, doing things and blaming me and sometimes going as far as hitting me. Nobody sticks up for me, and I've tried reporting incidents to the school, but they just keep happening, which has led to me feeling like I have nobody to talk to. I do talk to my mum about it, but she says she doesnt know how to deal with it. She suggested seeing the doctor, but I'm too scared to go in case they think I'm worrying about nothing. I cry myself to sleep some nights, and I overthink a lot of stupid things and cry over them.. I don't know if this is true, but I think I might have a form of anxiety. I know self harm and suicide isn't the answer to my problems, (too scared to do anything like that anyway) but I don't know what is. Can somebody please help me?
Sorry if that's too much to read.
Lately I've been feeling really low and miserable, and I'm worrying a lot more, especially about school. I feel like I don't fit in with anybody, because a lot of people in my year either don't talk to me, act weirdly like they don't want to talk to me or be downright nasty. Sure, people will talk to me, but they don't come across as super friendly. I feel like I have almost no friends, and the two people I would class as friends don't stick up for me and are obsessed with anime (which I don't get) and talk about it all the time. And one of them is a year younger and the other (who is in my year) might be leaving the school soon, so I might have pretty much nobody in my year to talk to. Like a lot of schools, mine is very cliquey, and there are some classes where everyone is in their own groups and literally nobody will talk to me voluntary- I always have to make the effort and they still shun me. Also, a lot of the girls are very cruel, saying nasty things or ignoring me and a lot of the boys are very immature, calling me names, doing things and blaming me and sometimes going as far as hitting me. Nobody sticks up for me, and I've tried reporting incidents to the school, but they just keep happening, which has led to me feeling like I have nobody to talk to. I do talk to my mum about it, but she says she doesnt know how to deal with it. She suggested seeing the doctor, but I'm too scared to go in case they think I'm worrying about nothing. I cry myself to sleep some nights, and I overthink a lot of stupid things and cry over them.. I don't know if this is true, but I think I might have a form of anxiety. I know self harm and suicide isn't the answer to my problems, (too scared to do anything like that anyway) but I don't know what is. Can somebody please help me?
Sorry if that's too much to read.
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Comments
Really sorry to hear that you're going through this; it's not a nice situation to be in and certainly not acceptable either.
You've done the right thing in reporting incidents to the school, and it's okay to carry on doing so, especially if it's continuing. We have some information here on Bullying, as well as Anxiety, which might be worth a read. You're doing really well in reaching out to the school, your mum and to us on here :yes:
It's okay to see a doctor if the feelings are becoming overwhelming; they may be able to help.
I wonder if you might have anybody outside of school that you feel you could reach out to. It can often help to talk to someone outside that stressful environment. You also mentioned that school was one of the main worries at the moment, is there anything else in particular that's been causing you to feel low?
We are here if you want to talk *hug*
Good on you for talking to your mum and being so honest. It sounds like the two of you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about how you're thinking and feeling and that's really positive.Going to chat to the GP sounds like a really good first step too - you might find this site called Docready useful to look at before you go, it can help you to prepare for talking to the doctor: http://www.docready.org/#/home
It's understandable that you feel guilty and that can be a really uncomfortable feeling to have, I'd encourage you to keep talking to your mum and to those that you trust so that you don't bottle things up on your own.
Sometimes how we feel inside about ourselves can affect how others treat us and it sounds like you're really hard on yourself and have been having a lot of negative feelings. When we're feeling more at ease and confident in ourselves this can have a knock on affect in terms of how we relate to other people. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm saying is that whilst there is no excuse for nasty or bullying behaviour, there are steps you can take to feel better about yourself.
Being able to work this through with someone that will listen without judgement and help you move forward might also be an option and it might be something the GP suggests. If you're interested you can look to see what youth counselling services are available in your area here: http://www.youthaccess.org.uk/find-your-local-service/ Or, it might be that you have a school counsellor you could think about talking to.
Let us know how you're getting on *hug*
Thanks Jo7
Sorry for the late reply. I'm not going to the doctor, as they could only refer me to a counsellor (which takes a long time apparently) but my mum found a counsellor in the area and made an appointment for next week. I'm really nervous about going. I just don't think counselling will make me happier at school and it certainly won't give me any friends, and they'll probably tell me I'm worrying about nothing. I don't think I can tell my 2 friends, because I don't know how they'll take it, and I don't want to risk other people knowing that I don't want to know. My school doesn't have a counsellor, and I've talked to teachers, pupil support and my head of year about the bullying, but nothing ever changes long term. The problem is, people know I'm an easy target, because I'm not thick skinned and tend to react to them, and nobody sticks up for me. Recently, an incident in the woodwork room where part of my model was lost (I don't know if one of the boys stole it or not) and not found, which lead to the class being banned from the room. A lot of people are blaming me, even people from other classes who have found out. The teacher knows it wasn't me, but hasn't really addressed it. I'm just sick of being treated this way and I don't know how to make things better.
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it's definitely a valid concern, and it's completely understandable that it would make you feel down. Well done on telling your mum about things and making an appointment to see a counsellor, that's such a good and brave step to take and I really hope your first session goes well.
You mentioned being nervous as you're not sure if the counselling will help. I think that's a completely natural way to feel when approaching something new - but I also think it's helpful to remember that if something is upsetting you, then it's not nothing, and counsellors/doctors are understanding and they're not going to tell you it's nothing either. (Besides, it's often the people who are worried about being told this that actually have a very valid reason!)
Counselling won't necessarily give you any new friends, no, but what therapy aims to do is to cope with what's happening. For example, you mentioned not being thick skinned and reacting easily to these people. Counselling should be able to help you develop a way that works for you to deal with situations like the one you described, and work through why you put yourself down and how you can change this. Though it'll take time and practise, all of this will make other aspects of life (e.g making new friends, working with other people in your year, etc) easier too. You also mentioned not being sure how your friends would take it if you told them - is there any reason you're concerned about this in particular? Or are there any other friends you'd like to tell from other schools/places? Of course, there's no obligation for you to tell them, it's more up to you and what you think would help; some people like to keep things private at first, others find the experience of being open about their experiences and talking to others about it quite helpful.
Good luck with the appointment - do feel free to keep us updated and keep posting if that helps
Thanks Ravenclaw
I'm a wuss- I got my mum to cancel the appointment because I really didn't want to go. I felt like I would just clam up and not say anything or that they would tell me I'm worrying about nothing. I kind of feel better now. I think I just hit a really low spot. I'm making an effort to help myself by being more positive and trying to socialise more at school. Being less negative is making me slightly more happy, but only at home. I'm trying to be friendly with other people in my year group, but they mostly just shun me with a nasty comment or silence. I almost always end up saying something weird, especially in front of the boys (the ones that aren't horrible to me.) I don't know if it's true, but maybe they don't like the fact that I'm different and don't want to look like the girls that all look, talk and act the same? I don't really fit into any clique, and my two friends seem to not want to talk to me- one of them constantly plugs her headphones in and shuts the world out and seems drained of all emotion, and the other seems to want to talk to "friends" that go behind her back, say nasty things and argue with her. I feel alone. I want to delete this post because I feel like a desperate, attention seeking pathetic misery who's wasted people's time. But I won't. I'm stronger than that.
Sorry (I have a problem with repeatedly apologising) >_
You aren't a wuss - it isn't an easy thing turning up to a counselling appointment for the first time, and it can take time to build up the courage to see it through. It's natural that you felt anxious and worried about going, and there's certainly no pressure to go if you don't feel ready.
I'm sorry to hear about the ongoing problems with some of the people at your school; although it's good to hear that you've been feeling a bit more positive recently :yes: I wonder if you might consider getting in touch with somewhere like SupportLine, if it's all getting a bit too much? Do you have any other form of support, or ways to manage your feelings? Remember you can post here as much as you feel you need to
Finally, you aren't attention seeking or wasting anyone's time here; we're here to try and support you as best as we can - do let us know how you're getting on *hug*
Thanks again Raich
My mum's friend (who I'm really close to) gave me a book on mindfulness and dealing with anxiety, depression, negativity etc which came with a CD of meditations. I've read a bit of the book, and found that I related to quite a few things in it. I'm going to start the CD soon, as you're supposed to use it with the book. Thanks for telling me about SupportLine, I'll keep it in mind. I wouldn't say I had other forms of support, as my school doesn't have a counsellor and I'm not sure how my 2 friends at school would take it. I've started writing poems and doodling, which sort of takes my mind off stuff.
Thanks again
Just checking in to see how you've been getting on? Have you had a chance to try out the mindfulness CD and more of the book yet?
Writing poems and doodling sound like a really cool and creative way of practising mindfulness :yes: Good to hear that it helps you!
What kind of support would you ideally like to have around you? Perhaps we might be able to help you if you had an idea
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through recently, although your last post seems a lot more positive and that's a huge step!
I am also in school and my group of friends is very, very small too. So, I totally know how you are feeling.
Bullying is wrong!! I was bullied in primary school for a short period, but reported it quickly so it stopped before escalating! It's great that you are reaching out to the school, but not so good that they are not exactly responding in a way that prevents these incidences. I was wondering as far as talking to someone about your feelings goes, have you ever contacted ChildLine? You can talk to them about anything including problems with friends and bullying, and their helpline and online service are 100% free and do not show up on your bill. I know it can be good to talk to someone outside of your family or friendship group.
Writing poems and doodleing sounds like a creative way of expressing how you are feeling. Did you get a chance to try that CD? Also, there are meditation apps available on the appstore that can be great for mindfulness.
You're so brave posting here about your feelings and you're welcome to keep doing so if you feel it helps you.
Hi again Raich!
I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. I tried the first meditation on the CD and read some more of the book. I found the meditation a bit boring, so I think I'll look into apps to see if they're any more interesting. I know they're probably boring so you can be relaxed, but I get bored easily! In terms of support, I'd just like to have a person or people that I could talk to easily without them ignoring or judging me, basically someone who is kind, supportive and a good listener. I don't know how anybody can help with this though. Thanks again for your help!
Hi Elleloveschocolate, thanks for your advice.
I've thought about talking to ChildLine, but I've only talked to my mum and her best friend (she's like my auntie) and nobody else because I'm worried they'll judge me or not understand. I know that ChildLine definitely won't judge me, but I'm still not sure. I want to meet new people so I can forget about my worries and just be myself,, but there's nowhere I can really go to meet new people. I want to go to summer camp at a place I've been to before on a school camp, because they mix you in with people your age, but it's really expensive!
Thanks again for the help
Hey again.
You're very welcome. I just wanted to let you know that on The Mix, there are a few live chats you can go to. One of them gives you an opportunity to get support in a non-judgemental environment, and the other is for more general topics and random, hilarious conversations. The general chat can really help you to take your mind off of your worries and the support chat is great for getting support for them. They run 5 times a week between 8 and 9.30pm.
That camp sounds really good, I think mixing with others your age is a great thing, some can relate to you being close to your age.
Thank you for responding to my previous reply.
Elle.
Hi and thanks again Elle.
Thanks for telling me about the live chats, I'll definitely check them out. I'm working on persuading my mum about camp, but she hasn't said yes or no yet!
Pumpkin
Just checking in on how you're doing now? We're all here for you
Hi Steph
I'm doing okay, thanks for asking. I feel more reassured now that I know I can share my feelings here and get advice without awkward conversations. The only thing really bothering me at the moment is that my friend applied to go to a different school so she can take exams that our current school don't offer, and I don't know what I'll do if she leaves (don't know if she's been accepted yet) because she puts me at ease about situations at school. She'll still live nearby, but she's always busy with sport competitions and camps, so I don't know how often I'll see her.
Pumpkin
I just started my first exam year at high school (I know, it's weird that we start early) and it's hard already, and it's only been two weeks. The work isn't hard, it's just that one of my classes is a mixed level class, so there are some people who really don't want to be there, they just want to mess around. So far, they (all boys) have thrown coins and empty bottles at me, put rubber dust in my hair, moved my desk and chair forward and put their bags under my chair leg and blamed me for crushing them. I know that if I tell the school, nothing major will be done, and even if they do stop, they'll probably start again. I told the teacher, and she said she'll rearrange the seating plan a bit (I sit right at the front, pretty much in everyone's firing line) but she didn't really seemed bothered, just took it as being "lad banter." On top of that, my friend got accepted into the other school, so she'll most likely start there in August and another friend who I've known for years has just moved house and is also going to a new school. I know I'll probably feel alone, and people won't make any effort to be nice to me or talk to me. I know I sound so pathetic.
Pumpkin
Sorry to hear that you're finding it hard at high school at the moment. You've done a really positive thing by posting here about how you're feeling and what's been happening at school. It can be hard when there are people in the class that don't want to be there and so just mess around.
What makes you say that if you tell the school nothing major will be done about it?
It's really good that you were able to tell the teacher about it. What makes you say that she didn't seem bothered about it when you told her?
Sorry to hear that you have friends that are moving away to different schools. Why do you say that people won't make any effort to talk to you?
We have an article here about a friend moving away that might be useful to read
Hope this helps
Hi and thanks Steph
If I tell the school, a teacher will probably talk to them and it will stop for a while, but they'll just start again. They've been throwing things at me in the corridors now as well. The teacher was just quite casual when I talked to her, but she did say she was going to change the seating plan. People don't make any effort to talk to me anyway. I can go into a class and have nobody talk to me for the entire lesson. I've tried to join in with conversations, but people just shun me. I know I sound like I feel sorry for myself or want sympathy, but I don't. On the plus side, I am going to summer camp though.
Pumpkin
Sorry to hear that people have been throwing things at you in the corridors too, doesn't sound very nice for you to have to deal with. Have you been able to speak to anyone else other that your teacher about whats been going on at school? You mentioned that you teacher said she was going to change the seating plan, how do you feel about this?
Sounds really hard that you tried to join conversations but people just shun you. What ways have you tried to join in the conversations and what did they do to shun you when you tried?
Summer camp sounds fun, when are you going to summer camp, is that something you could look forward to?
We have an article on The Mix called beat bullying which might be useful to read. There's also a website called Bullying UK which might also be helpful to look at.
Hope this helps
Sorry for the late reply, but thanks again
I haven't spoken to anyone else apart from my mum, because I don't trust any of my friends at school, and I want to wait until after the summer holidays and see if the situation in the class where people throw stuff at me before I tell my head of year or guidance teacher. I think the teacher is changing the seating plan today, so hopefully it will be better. I've tried to join in group discussions by sharing my opinion or asking a question, but people usually just ignore me or say something to make me sound idiotic. I'm going to summer camp in August, and I'm looking forward to it because I won't know anyone and I can make new friends.
Thanks again
Pumpkin
Sorry to read about your situation - sounds really tough for you at the moment.
It's been a few days, so just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.
Did your teacher change the seating plan in the end?
Let us know how you're getting on
James
Thanks James
The teacher did change the seating plan, and the boy who threw stuff at me is at the front, and I'm at the back, so that's good. The only bad thing is that there's another in front of me that just acts so immature all the time, but I'll just learn to deal with it. I'm okay in general other than that.
Pumpkin
I'm finding it tough at the moment. I've been having so many negative thoughts, and no matter how much I try to think positively, I just mentally attack myself. I tell myself I'm not good at things, that I'm stupid, that I have no friends. I talk to my mum about it, but she says there's not a lot she can do, and she wants me to try seeing a counsellor again, seeing as I cancelled the appointment at the last minute, because they could possibly do more to help. I just don't know if I'll be able to talk about all of it and clam up. As for school, even the younger kids are disrespectful. They shove me (or push someone into me) and yell abuse at me. I try not to react, but it's hard. My mum is getting more and more worried about me, which is making me feel guilty. I just feel really lost. Sorry if I wasted someone's time.
Pumpkin
Sorry to hear you're finding things so tough; it really sounds like there's a lot going on. It can't be easy when a place where you spend such a large amount of your time becomes so difficult to deal with. I imagine it makes things very tiring and takes it out of you? That said, good on you for trying not to react to the nastiness from other students. :yes:
I wanted to touch on the thing you said about counselling, and not being sure whether or not you'll be able to talk about things and being worried you'll clam up. Being able to actually open up, articulate yourself, and feel comfortable doing so is something which, in itself, a counsellor can help with. As well as addressing the issues that come up and helping you through them, they're also there to help you reach the point of being able to confront them. If you do find yourself in an appointment in future, it might well be most constructive to simply tell your counsellor that you struggle with talking about everything so they can work with you on it.
Do you think looking into arranging another counselling appointment is something you'd perhaps want to do?
Additionally, it's worth bearing in mind that your mum getting more worried will just be because she cares. She shouldn't blame you for it, so try not to feel bad; you're not doing anything wrong.
Thanks Mike, sorry for the late reply
Because of what happens at school, it does feel like the school day is very long and tiring. I'm really trying to be positive, but I just can't seem to shift the negative thoughts, and end up crying alone a lot, which makes me feel pathetic. I know my mum cares, but she worries about a lot already and there's only so much she can do to help. I'm on my summer holidays now, so at least I get 7 weeks to try and take my mind off everything. I don't know if I want to try going to a counsellor again, but I wish I could stop being negative, which I know they could help with. I just keep thinking I'll say the wrong thing or not say anything.
Pumpkin
I went through the same thing during school, people can be so awful. Looking back I realise it wasn't anything I ever did or that something was wrong with me, it was other peoples issues. Try not to take it personally, it's likely they target you because they see you as maybe a threat because you're different and don't feel the need to be part of a clique which maybe makes them think you're better than them (you are) and so they want to bring you down so they feel better and more secure in themselves. Or because you're a nice person you're seen as an easy target.
There's a great film on Netflix I watched recently about this girl who gets horribly bullied but then we see the situation from the side of the bully and see she's only doing it (the bullying) because of how unhappy she is with her own life. It's called A Girl Like Her, you may find it interesting as you see other students perspectives as well as outsiders.
Finding someone to talk to be it a councillor, doctor, hairdresser, tutor, driving instructor, whoever really - can help so much, just to off load is pretty cleansing. I found councillors in school were rubbish but I had a dyslexia tutor who was lovely and genuinely listened to what I had to say without judging and was supportive in such a positive way and I could also ask her for help or advice about anything. I hope you can find someone to talk to or like you said with camp, maybe joining a club could help you meet new people and the club would give you some common ground?
I'm sorry this has turned out to be such a long message but I hope you find something in there helpful!
All these thoughts do sound really hard for you to deal with at the moment. Good for you trying not to react to those kids. They want a reaction out of you, so not giving them what they want is a good thing. I know that is really hard though. Talking is difficult, I really do get that. Especially talking about difficult things like this. You're certainly not pathetic or wasting anybodies time here!
I'm on summer holidays too. That good you are going to the summer camp, sounds like it will be great fun.
Sending you a hug!
I don't really have many people I could talk to, because I have trust issues (which is one reason why I haven't told my friends) and I don't have many other adults outside my family that I could talk to- teachers are always too busy. And my parents are the only family members that really know the full extent of my feelings, because my family likes to worry a lot. As for clubs, there aren't really any clubs for older children near where I live. I'm in Guides, but I don't really know anyone there, as they all go to different schools and I only see them once a week during term time. I know I should make more of an effort to meet up with them, but their phones are always supposedly broken or lost, and they don't have Facebook like I have. I don't think I'll be able to watch A Girl Like Her, because I don't have Netflix, but I'll try and find it on YouTube. I know it's hard not to react, and no matter how hard I try, I end up reacting, because people just keep going until I say something. I really shouldn't be worrying about it because I'm away from school and the people there, but it always plays on my mind.
Pumpkin