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Everything is Broken & I have no glue.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Everything is currently a mess, It’s like my life has been pulled from one place to another, I hate everything and I hate everybody, I say this all the time, but deep inside I’m just scared of getting close to people and then things happening again, things I can’t control but I can’t get let down anymore.
My mum doesn’t speak to me anymore, I like to pretend I’m okay with this and that I’m glad she doesn’t speak to me, but really I wish she did, she’s my mum and I wish our relationship hadn’t died out, but nothing I can do anymore will stop my mum from hating me, nothing will stop that. She chose my brother over me, Which makes it sound like I’m being pathetic and selfish and like I made her, but my brother is a really horrible person, Who has ruined many relationships and is the sole reason my Sisters we’re taking into care and then adopted.
My mum attempted suicide shortly after I was born, and throughout my childhood she blamed me for it, said I’d ruined her life, I wasn’t the child she wanted me to be, and because neighbours heard me crying for an hour and came in, She blamed me for the reason she survived, I was about 6 weeks old.
Growing up was a very difficult time, I went through things that I don’t feel comfortable even speaking to a counsellor about, Let alone sharing on here. The only thing that got me through it was the Bond I had with my dad & My little sister (the 8 year old). We were inseparable, things got very difficult after Mia was born, I moved out, and my family fell apart.
When my dad died my whole life broke apart, we had an argument not long before he died and I told him I never wanted to see him again, after he was trying to get me re-admitted into a pysch hospital and I didn’t want to go back, although I did need to be, I was very psychotic and believed that everybody was trying to kill me, He died & I was sectioned.
Then I went off the rails, I was in & out of hospital, A+E, Police Custody. My life spiralled out of control, I went from wanting to end my life, to not even caring if I died or not. On the days I didn’t want to end my life, I honestly didn’t care what happened to me, Things got bad and I stopped speaking to everyone/taking care of myself.
Then when my 2 year old sister contracted meningitis and died, My life changed around, I met my partner Sam and she instantly became the only thing that mattered, She was the reason I “did life” and the only reason, and as cringey as that sounds. She sort of fixed everything.
I eventually moved cities & started working; things momentarily seemed to be getting better. The thoughts we’re at bay. Until my sister Ellie took her own life, Things hit rock bottom recently and I don’t know how to bring myself back up. I’m having seizures and I don’t know if this is what’s making my thoughts come back, my doctor has prescribed me anti pyschotics, which I took for a little bit until they made my epilepsy worse, Now I’m between having more seizures or being more psychotic….Everything is a mess.
Sorry
My mum doesn’t speak to me anymore, I like to pretend I’m okay with this and that I’m glad she doesn’t speak to me, but really I wish she did, she’s my mum and I wish our relationship hadn’t died out, but nothing I can do anymore will stop my mum from hating me, nothing will stop that. She chose my brother over me, Which makes it sound like I’m being pathetic and selfish and like I made her, but my brother is a really horrible person, Who has ruined many relationships and is the sole reason my Sisters we’re taking into care and then adopted.
My mum attempted suicide shortly after I was born, and throughout my childhood she blamed me for it, said I’d ruined her life, I wasn’t the child she wanted me to be, and because neighbours heard me crying for an hour and came in, She blamed me for the reason she survived, I was about 6 weeks old.
Growing up was a very difficult time, I went through things that I don’t feel comfortable even speaking to a counsellor about, Let alone sharing on here. The only thing that got me through it was the Bond I had with my dad & My little sister (the 8 year old). We were inseparable, things got very difficult after Mia was born, I moved out, and my family fell apart.
When my dad died my whole life broke apart, we had an argument not long before he died and I told him I never wanted to see him again, after he was trying to get me re-admitted into a pysch hospital and I didn’t want to go back, although I did need to be, I was very psychotic and believed that everybody was trying to kill me, He died & I was sectioned.
Then I went off the rails, I was in & out of hospital, A+E, Police Custody. My life spiralled out of control, I went from wanting to end my life, to not even caring if I died or not. On the days I didn’t want to end my life, I honestly didn’t care what happened to me, Things got bad and I stopped speaking to everyone/taking care of myself.
Then when my 2 year old sister contracted meningitis and died, My life changed around, I met my partner Sam and she instantly became the only thing that mattered, She was the reason I “did life” and the only reason, and as cringey as that sounds. She sort of fixed everything.
I eventually moved cities & started working; things momentarily seemed to be getting better. The thoughts we’re at bay. Until my sister Ellie took her own life, Things hit rock bottom recently and I don’t know how to bring myself back up. I’m having seizures and I don’t know if this is what’s making my thoughts come back, my doctor has prescribed me anti pyschotics, which I took for a little bit until they made my epilepsy worse, Now I’m between having more seizures or being more psychotic….Everything is a mess.
Sorry
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Comments
Firstly, well done for posting on here. My heart goes out to you as I read this, and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been, but thank you for sharing your story.
Struggling with mental health alongside everything else is no easy feat, and certainly not alone. It's great that you felt purpose again after meeting your partner. Although things may seem to have taken a turn for the worse since then, it can help to have someone to turn to in those difficult moments.
We're here to support you in any way we can *hug*
Thanks for sharing all of this with us, it's really brave of you to post what has happened in your life on this thread. Sounds like things have been really difficult, it's really good you're talking about everything here.
Sounds like things have been really hard, you mentioned in your first post that you've been having seizures and aren't sure whether this is what's bringing the thoughts back, could you share more about the thoughts that you've been having?
You mentioned that 'everything is a mess', that sounds really tough, what makes you say that? You also mentioned that you have no glue and don't know how to bring yourself back up after you sister took her own life. You're doing so well by talking on here and sharing how you're feeling. When you say 'bring yourself back up' could you say more about what you mean by this, what would you like to happen?
Everyone is here for you *hug*
I've spoken a lot in the media about My sisters suicide & it gives me a purpose for that and I really enjoy it, but then sometimes I don't want people to even utter her name, is thatt a bad thing.
So sorry to hear that you're getting really intense suicidal thoughts. Sounds really challenging to deal with, you're being so brave to let us know how you're feeling and what you're thinking, you're doing so well by talking about it. You were saying that you have plans but you're not saying that you're going to act on them, thanks for sharing this with us. You were saying that you get these thoughts after every seizure. That seems really hard to cope with, you were saying its like the recovery period from seizure ending to you being human, what do you mean when you say this? How are you feeling today?
It's really positive that you're writing down here what's happening and that you're opening up about how you're feeling. You were saying that you've spoken a lot in the media about your sisters suicide and it gives you a purpose and you really enjoy having a purpose. Thanks for sharing this, that sounds positive that you feel like it gives you a purpose and it's something that you enjoy doing. Then you did also say that sometimes you don't want people to even utter her name and were asking if it's a bad thing. What makes you ask whether it's a bad thing? How do you feel when people say her name?
We're here for you for anything you'd like to talk about *hug*
But of course if those thoughts start getting overwhelming, the usual places like Papyrus are there to listen, no matter how intense they get.