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Surrounded by a sea full of people but still feel so alone!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 21 a week today, my parents split when I was in infant school as my mum had an affair. I have a younger brother who is 16 now. I have been between my mums and partners house and my dads house for years throughout my teenage years. I couldn't behave myself and pushed people to their limits, I just wanted to see who would be there at the end of it all. Until one day my mum's partner made me sell my horse in order to pay board or he would kick me out of the house. I did as asked and still was made homeless before my 18th birthday.

I have never felt so alone, because I didn't realise I was homeless until I spoke to the local council I was sleeping rough, sofa surfing when possible. Ended up in a hostel miles away from where I knew and 4 months later moved into an empty council flat with no curtains floors appliances anything. I was in my flat for around a year and a few months, caused myself no end of trouble as I was lonely and having all the wrong people around me because I was so scared of being alone.

Met my partner Christmas 2014 and he encouraged me to give my flat up and move in with him. little did I know what I was signing myself upto. Just felt so good to be wanted like properly wanted. His parents are still married but live apart. We then did ourselves a place to live down at the farm with his dad and I started to work for the family turf growing business. All was well until his mother couldn't be bothered to get up in the morning, leaving me to do anything. The amount of times I have tried to leave this place, its like a curse, it draws you back in. I am sick to death of working myself into the ground for nothing, Im not on the payroll and if my partner was to kick me out I would be left with nothing like my life is going to his the repeat button. The chaos down here used to feel like home, but now I just get spoken to like a piece of crap and expected to work like a dog and for what? 7am - 9pm sometimes 10.

Im fat as fuck because not getting regular food intake. For example I had 4 crisps yesterday all day oh sorry better not forget the lucozade. Then the lads send me to the chip shop to fetch their dinner. All clubbed in together, cos I have no money because im not being payed. I don't get any dinner.

I already suffer with severe depression but not needed medication for at least a year. Im starting to feel like I cant face the day when I open my eyes in the morning. Literally at my wits end physically mentally exhausted.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Knew this was a massive waste of my time
  • RavenclawRavenclaw Noob Posts: 74 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Hi emmajane,

    Firstly - welcome to the boards! I hope that the community here can help you to feel less alone.

    It sounds like you're going through an extremely tough time right now - and what you're feeling is completely understandable and valid in such circumstances. it can be really hard to reach out and admit when we're struggling, so well done for taking this first step.

    Does anyone around you know how you're feeling, both mentally and physically? If not, is there any way you could talk to your partner (or someone else) about finding a solution -- for example, reducing your hours or being put on the payroll?

    Do keep us updated, we care about you :) *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,
    Thank you, my brother knows how I feel, I cant explain to my partner because he has been brought up always working and never paid much attention to his emotions because it got in the way of work. ive tried speaking to his parents but its like im banging my head against a brick wall.
  • MikeMike 🎧 LandaanPosts: 3,614 Community Manager
    Hey @emmajane,

    Just to let you know, I edited in some paragraph breaks to make your post a little easier to digest for others. :)

    I'd echo everything Ravenclaw said; huge props for opening up on here. Mental exhaustion can be just as debilitating as physical exhaustion, and it's no wonder you're burnt out with so much going on and working as much as you do. I think most people would agree that being expected to work that many hours for no pay is unreasonable and unfair!

    You mention suffering with severe depression - what support have you had for this in the past? Are you getting any currently?

    I also want to drop in that Shelter offer advice and information around housing and homelessness, if you find yourself in need of that sort of support.
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.

    Want to join the community champions? Drop @TheMix a message!
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