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Getting married in less then 3 months and he cheated

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My soon to be husband cheated on me. He over heard guys talking about happy endings at work. He went the next day to see if anything would happen and it did first it was your typical happy ending but then he told me she also went down on him for a little it. I would have never known about any of this but he said as soon as it happened he felt so guilty and knew he messed up and had to tell me. I never in a million years thought he would ever do this to me he has been amazing up till this. He was honest with me about everything that happened and believe me it was not easy to hear. He said he really has no reason why he did it he said he felt like it was his last ha ra before getting married. I'm trying my hardest to forget and forgive him but I have times where I question if marrying him is the right thing to do. I really can't imagine my life without him . Other then this we have a perfect relationship. I just need to know am I being stupid to think he is really sorry and it would never happen again? And does anyone think I'm making a mistake?


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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,306 Part of The Furniture
    Hey, and welcome to the boards. :wave:

    I'm so sorry to hear what happened; it's never easy when a loved one betrays us like that and it's totally natural to feel some doubts (especially since your wedding day is coming up!). Honestly, though, I reckon a lot of people would agree that it's a judgement call only you can really make. You know your partner and relationship dynamics more than anyone and they're what this decision ultimately hinges on.

    If you truly believe him about what he says and that the guilt and remorse he expressed was genuine, then staying with him might well be the right thing to do for you. There's certainly no reason to say that someone cheating on you as always an automatic deal breaker, although sometimes that will be the case, of course.

    That being said, it's great you're reaching out for a second opinion as these situations can often feel very blurry or distorted when you're in the middle of them! Would you mind me asking what you mean by happy endings and possibly get a little more context about what happened?
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you so much for answering. By happy endings he went and got a massage parlor and at the end the lady gave him a hand job but also went down on him for a little bit. Nothing was wrong with our relationship everything was actually great. He promises it has nothing to do with me or not being happy with our relationship. He said he just wasn't thinking and made a stupid mistake. I feel if something was wrong it would be easier for me to get over because we could work on fixing the problem but since there was nothing wrong it makes it hard for me to accept. I know it sounds crazy but I do believe he is sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. I have never seen him so upset. I just get moments of doubt. When everything is back to how it was before this all happened I make myself stop and think about it and put my guard back up and start to shut down and get upset all over again. I have no one to talk to because we both agreed that if we want this to work that we wouldnt bring it up to friends or family because it's starts to get complicated and I just feel they will never except him again even if I do. So I'm sorry if this is everywhere i just have so many thoughts running through my head and this is the first time I have ever talked about it.
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru

    I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. From reading your posts it seems like your going through a really hard time at the moment. Dealing with this is difficult so it's great that you have posted on this forum.

    It's really understandable what you are feeling. May I ask how long ago this happened? If it's quite recent then I think it will take time for you to build trust again and let these feelings pass. I know that you and your partner have agreed not to tell friends or family, but for some people telling one friend who knows you really well can be a great way to help you get through this challenging situation. Let me know what you think.

    I found an article on TheSite which you might want to read. It gives some advice on how to deal with being cheated on (http://www.thesite.org/sex-and-relationships/relationships/i-was-cheated-on-4479.html)
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I found out in November but it happened in October. He said he waited 2 weeks to tell me because he just didn't know how to tell me. We have also been together for 9 years and we have little disagreements but this is actually the first real fight we have had. .....also for telling one of my close friends I will think about it. I just feel embarrassed, humiliated and upset to talk about it. I know she will listen to me and give me good advice I just have to get the courage to do it. Even sometimes it's hard for me to talk to him about it when I need to get something off of my chest.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Confused129, I can understand why talking to your friends and family feels daunting, I also hear that you have agreed not to in order to avoid things getting more complicated. However, when something like this happens, it's also possible that you're going to need to talk about it, possibly quite a lot, over and over until you can really find clarity as well as express your anger, hurt and sadness if you need to. It's really positive that you've found this place as an outlet :yes:

    You might also find opening up to a stranger a little easier to begin with - Supportline offer a confidential listening ear for example: http://www.supportline.org.uk/ Talking to someone who is detached from the situation and totally impartial can be a good first step. Although it sounds like the friend you have in mind is someone you can really trust too?

    It's really natural to be feeling humiliated and embarrassed, although these kind of feelings can be really uncomfortable :( it's going to be really important to keep the lines of communication as open as possible with you and your partner going forward and I wonder if the two of you might consider couples therapy? You mention you're finding it hard to talk at the moment when you need to get things off your chest? Do you know what stops you?

    It's not uncommon for couples to embark on some short term therapy before marriage to make sure you're going into it with your eyes wide open and it can also help you both learn how to communicate better. Relate could be worth looking in to: http://www.relate.org.uk/

    I'm so sorry that you're facing this so near to getting married, it can't be easy, but if you're both willing to commit to working it through then trust can be rebuilt. However, we all have our different limits and in fact, getting some counselling on your own may help you to work through what you really need and want.

    We're here for you *hug*

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