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Hello, I hope somebody is listening
Former Member
NoobPosts: 74 Budding Regular
The title is a reference to a very good book called Radio Silence by Alice Oseman, in case you're wondering. But it also pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. I am completely alone, and I have no idea how to tell anyone how I'm feeling, or even if I did, I'm not sure they'd hear me.
Anyway. I'm new here and I'm not sure where to start. Do I just jump in, and tell you what's going on? I guess so. Well, here goes.
Today I feel like I’m wrapped in cotton wool. But it’s not soft and comforting –it’s dense and thick and smothering, and it’s like I can’t see out and no-one else can see in. It clogs up my head, so I can’t think and I can’t concentrate. I’m not even sure what I must look like – the girl in the mirror doesn’t look like the one in my mind. I can only see little glimpses of the outside world through the clouds of suffocating wool, and hear snatches of conversation without really being able to understand what’s being said or being able to contribute anything.
Occasionally, the wool clears – I have a few moments of clarity, a moment of being myself, my real self, but then the wool is back and I am obscured again.
Cut off from the world beyond, all I have is my thoughts, which fill up the air around me and make this dark cocoon stuffy and suffocating. And today my thoughts are poisonous acid, slowly draining my energy, my will, tainting everything around me. Solutions, dreams, happy memories – I can feel them all in my mind somewhere, I know I should find them, but I can’t reach them. And the ones I do remember feel fake and insubstantial, like ghost thoughts – strangely transparent thoughts a different version of me had. They’re not enough to sustain me.
It makes me want to run away. Maybe if I run far enough, I can leave the cotton wool behind… More than once, I imagine just getting up, running out of the school, walking down the road, not looking when I cross in front of cars… I just want everything to stop for a minute, for time to slow down so I can catch my breath. I want to stop feeling. I won’t do it, because I know somewhere dimly in my mind that this is all just the poison trying to trick me and that stopping feeling means stopping everything else, and besides, I’ve never been good at irreversible (and not to mention selfish) decisions. But at the same time I can’t rule it out because I can’t separate myself from the poison and the toxic thoughts are clinging to my skin, making it hard to concentrate on anything else.
I want to shout out, to tell someone I’m drowning, but I don’t think I’d be heard through the cotton wool and besides, I can’t see anyone around who’d want to listen. There are online friends who know about the cotton wool, friends who’ve experienced other versions of it, but I’ve bothered them enough. They’d just be repeating themselves. And besides, I ought to be able to fight this on my own by now – I’m wasting the help I’ve been given in the past. I know there’s a way to get rid of the smothering fabric, but I just can’t find it in my mind… the poison consumes everything except the empty sadness, until that is all that is left.
I feel like I am trapped inside my head. I’m looking out but nothing I see is really very familiar any more. My thoughts are so loud I can’t hear anyone else. Everything they say sounds like lies. Or maybe it’s always been like this, and I’ve just never noticed it before. I don’t know. I don’t think I know anything.
I can hear myself responding, but it doesn’t sound like me. The girl in the mirror doesn’t look like me either. I’m not sure what ‘me’ is. I’m not sure who I am. Will I always feel like this? I’m scared. I’m scared that these thoughts are not my own. Or maybe I’m scared that they are mine. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
My head hurts, I think. It takes effort to do anything, to think anything other than that I’m tired. Tired isn’t an emotion, but it’s all I feel. I’m very tired. I’d like to sleep...
**
I'm sorry for this very long rambly post. It's okay if no-one wants to read it all. I think it just helps to write it sometimes - and being a writer (well, when I have the motivation for it), it ended up being a bit long and flowery (it helps me to write it as if it's fictional - as if it's a character, not me).
I hope somebody is listening.
Anyway. I'm new here and I'm not sure where to start. Do I just jump in, and tell you what's going on? I guess so. Well, here goes.
Today I feel like I’m wrapped in cotton wool. But it’s not soft and comforting –it’s dense and thick and smothering, and it’s like I can’t see out and no-one else can see in. It clogs up my head, so I can’t think and I can’t concentrate. I’m not even sure what I must look like – the girl in the mirror doesn’t look like the one in my mind. I can only see little glimpses of the outside world through the clouds of suffocating wool, and hear snatches of conversation without really being able to understand what’s being said or being able to contribute anything.
Occasionally, the wool clears – I have a few moments of clarity, a moment of being myself, my real self, but then the wool is back and I am obscured again.
Cut off from the world beyond, all I have is my thoughts, which fill up the air around me and make this dark cocoon stuffy and suffocating. And today my thoughts are poisonous acid, slowly draining my energy, my will, tainting everything around me. Solutions, dreams, happy memories – I can feel them all in my mind somewhere, I know I should find them, but I can’t reach them. And the ones I do remember feel fake and insubstantial, like ghost thoughts – strangely transparent thoughts a different version of me had. They’re not enough to sustain me.
It makes me want to run away. Maybe if I run far enough, I can leave the cotton wool behind… More than once, I imagine just getting up, running out of the school, walking down the road, not looking when I cross in front of cars… I just want everything to stop for a minute, for time to slow down so I can catch my breath. I want to stop feeling. I won’t do it, because I know somewhere dimly in my mind that this is all just the poison trying to trick me and that stopping feeling means stopping everything else, and besides, I’ve never been good at irreversible (and not to mention selfish) decisions. But at the same time I can’t rule it out because I can’t separate myself from the poison and the toxic thoughts are clinging to my skin, making it hard to concentrate on anything else.
I want to shout out, to tell someone I’m drowning, but I don’t think I’d be heard through the cotton wool and besides, I can’t see anyone around who’d want to listen. There are online friends who know about the cotton wool, friends who’ve experienced other versions of it, but I’ve bothered them enough. They’d just be repeating themselves. And besides, I ought to be able to fight this on my own by now – I’m wasting the help I’ve been given in the past. I know there’s a way to get rid of the smothering fabric, but I just can’t find it in my mind… the poison consumes everything except the empty sadness, until that is all that is left.
I feel like I am trapped inside my head. I’m looking out but nothing I see is really very familiar any more. My thoughts are so loud I can’t hear anyone else. Everything they say sounds like lies. Or maybe it’s always been like this, and I’ve just never noticed it before. I don’t know. I don’t think I know anything.
I can hear myself responding, but it doesn’t sound like me. The girl in the mirror doesn’t look like me either. I’m not sure what ‘me’ is. I’m not sure who I am. Will I always feel like this? I’m scared. I’m scared that these thoughts are not my own. Or maybe I’m scared that they are mine. I’m not sure about anything anymore.
My head hurts, I think. It takes effort to do anything, to think anything other than that I’m tired. Tired isn’t an emotion, but it’s all I feel. I’m very tired. I’d like to sleep...
**
I'm sorry for this very long rambly post. It's okay if no-one wants to read it all. I think it just helps to write it sometimes - and being a writer (well, when I have the motivation for it), it ended up being a bit long and flowery (it helps me to write it as if it's fictional - as if it's a character, not me).
I hope somebody is listening.
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Comments
Such a well written post, thank you.
Am listening
Do keep writing
I just want to say that I think your articulation here is amazing and I love the poetic edge to your post. Also, rambling is absolutely fine here and you're more than welcome to use the community as an outlet. :yes: Have you had any support for these feelings before?
The suffocation you're describing sounds incredibly overwhelming, and not to mention the exhaustion that must come with it; feel free to tell us more about those thoughts and feelings and where they might come from if you like. I imagine it's quite refreshing to get those moments of clarity you talked about, too. What do you think causes those times where you finally feel like yourself and you can breathe properly?
It seems like you have a distinct flicker of hope inside you when it comes to wanting to end it all, and it's amazing that you recognise that as well as having it there inside you in the first place. That being said, Samaritans are contactable 24/7 if you ever find things getting to breaking point. You can reach them via email, phone post, or visit your nearest branch.
Sounds like you're questioning your identity a lot, too? Feel free to tell us a bit more about that side to things, and of course anything else you want to explore further.
We are listening. *hug*
I also wanted to ask whether you're getting any help from any professionals at the moment? It seems like there's a lot going on and it might be a good idea to consider talking to a Doctor if you feel up to it.
P.s, I also really like your writing style
@Mike - Thank you very much. I'm really not sure what causes the moments of odd clarity, the tiny bits of calm amidst the storm. Yesterday, for example, I felt oddly better for the majority of the day - almost normal even - and I have no idea why. I don't know if it was partly because I'd gotten part of it out of my system here, or just because I woke up in a better mood, or what. But then halfway through today I just got overwhelmed and now the sad is back. It's really frustrating. :c
Oh, and I absolutely love your signature, by the way! Probably one of my favourite quotes.
@Past User - Hmm... in some ways, yes, I haven't been participating in hobbies and stuff I'd do normally, but it's been so long since I did that stuff and usually I just feel very guilty when I'm already so behind on work. That being said, I'm not able to be productive either - I feel like I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, unable to work or relax because I don't have the energy to do either. And then I waste time procrastinating, which leads to feeling more stress and guilt, which leads to more procrastinating... etc. However, I think you're right, that would be a good idea to start with. I always intend to go for a walk or something, but as with everything else, I find actually finding the energy to do it really hard. I might try to go this evening before I forget - thank you v much for the suggestion, it might be just what I need to get started.
As for whether I've seen anyone professionally - kind of. In the last few months I had some telephone counselling, which was helpful, but my sessions ran out recently and things just seem to be getting worse and worse instead of better. I feel so stupid for not being able to manage on my own. I considered going to a doctor, but the thing is that would involve telling my Mum how I'm feeling in order to make an appt, and I just don't feel like I can do that right now. I can't say any of this out loud - it's hard enough to write this. And even if I did get to a doctor and managed to explain, I guess I'm scared that they wouldn't be able to help me, or that I'd be wasting precious resources which would be better used on someone else because what I'm feeling isn't as serious and there isn't any reason for me to feel like this anyway. idk. I don't want to seem like I'm just making a fuss over nothing.
Glad you like the sig.
So, a colleague of mine was talking about this app she found called Pacifica and I thought it might be worth a mention. It's basically a better version of Headspace if you've ever used that?
Among the other brilliant features, there is a part of the app which lets you track your mood and log what you're up to. As it collects the data, it finds any trends in your mood and what might have caused it depending on what you told it you were doing at the time or what you did that day. I thought this could be of some use when it comes to finding what causes the highs and lows - though, equally you could replicate this with a pen and paper via a diary or journal if you do either of those things. Knowing you're in to writing, I realise that may be the case!
By the way, not being able to fully manage on your own isn't anything to be ashamed about. In the same way you wouldn't expect someone with a respiratory condition (or any other physical illness) to just get through it without any sort of aid, it's unrealistic to expect someone struggling with their mental health to be able to just get by somehow. Even when there isn't a tangible reason why you feel a certain way, that doesn't invalidate the fact that you do feel that way and therefore do deserve support for it.
On the note about telling your mum - if you're not able to open up to her verbally about it, how would you feel about communicating it in a textual way? Via a letter, text, or email for example? Sometimes it's good to be able to get out everything you want to say without interruption or heat of the moment getting in the way, too. Having the time to reflect on it before responding might also come in useful.
I have so much to do - a list in my head ticking and ticking over, the hands of my internal clock screaming out with every moment I lose to the darkness. Has time always gone so fast? How is it mid-March already? What have I been doing for the past week? For all I know, I've been asleep since January. Exams are so soon. There's no time there's no time there's no time ..
I'm going to try and slow down. I know part of this is because I tend to see all the things I have to do as a huge mountain looming up ahead. So I am going to try and see it as smaller steps instead -- but even then, I feel like I ought to be taking them two at a time, because everyone else is up at the top of the mountain already while I'm down here slipping and sliding all over the place, falling down two steps for every one I take. Nevertheless, I'm going to try. And the first job is probably for me to stop procrastinating and to use the time I have productively. So if anyone has any advice for that, let me know.
It's strange you should mention this - I actually already use Pacifica :yes: I agree it's a very good app, though I'm still working on getting into the habit of using it so that I can find patterns, as so far I haven't seen anything that could be explaining the highs and lows. I should probably also use the 'thoughts' section of it a bit more, so thank you for the reminder!
I often feel very guilty for needing any help when I know that objectively, I ought to be very happy and am very fortunate in many ways while others have more challenges, but thank you very much - I guess I hadn't really thought about it like that and will try to bear it in mind.
Hmm... for me it's not just about how I tell her, it's partly that I just don't want her to know at all. The idea of her (or anyone in the real world) knowing... idk, it just makes me very anxious. Maybe part of me is worried that she'd think I was just exaggerating or something, because I think I've got quite good at hiding it (or more accurately, i think I've been like this for so long that everyone thinks the sad is part of my personality) and she might think it's not real because I act pretty 'normal' and happy at home.
Also, there is the added complication of that when she found out my sister self harmed, she was very concerned/worried but she didn't really know what to do and she just kind of.... left it alone, hoping it would go away, and that's never been resolved. Which is another issue in itself that I won't bore you with now. So basically I don't see that she'd really be able to help me either. And I don't want her to know two of her children are struggling with mental health things, because she might blame herself or something. idk it's all a bit of a mess.
wow this message was a long one, sorry!
Good to hear that you're finding that app useful!
Your idea to try and take smaller steps sounds like a plan :yes: It sounds like the exam stress is becoming overwhelming; but it's good that you've identified that the time you do have left can be structured and productive - have you thought about posting a thread on this in our Student forum? I'm sure a few members on here will be able to give you some good ideas
It's okay to need and seek out support; really great that you've felt able to open up to us on here. No matter how trivial something might seem, we're here to try our best to help
Feeling worried about opening up to your mum and not wanting to upset her is natural. Do you feel that she would support you if you did feel able to talk to her? I wonder if there is anybody else you are close to who you might feel able to talk to?
Thank you - I'll think about posting a thread specifically about exam stress. The thing I struggle with is finding the right balance between being not stressed enough to motivate myself, and being so stressed that I don't even know where to start and feel too bad to do anything productive, so it might be good to see what others think.
Hmm... I don't know to be honest. I mean I guess she'd be concerned, but as I mentioned, she hasn't really helped my sister and I think she just wouldn't really see it as a big deal, like she'd think it was just ordinary exam stress / hormonal teenager stuff which will go away. Even if she did realise, she wouldn't know how to help or she'd try to suggest I saw a doctor, but I'm not sure about that yet and I don't want to be forced into it before I'm ready. I also don't feel like there is anyone else I could tell, as I don't currently have any close friends who I'd be comfortable talking to. I do have some internet friends who I talk to for support, so I'm not completely alone - it's just not quite the same as having someone irl.
One of my favourite quotes is "Happiness can always be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
I try so hard to believe it. I try to be optimistic, and I don't want to bring anyone down with me. But often it just feels like the darkness is swallowing us all up, and the tiny pinpricks of light are so small and so far away that I can barely see them any more. There is just so much suffering and I can't do anything to stop it...
Anyway. Sorry for this very pessimistic post. I just needed to put it somewhere other than my head.
Love the Dumbeldore quote! I think a lot of people can relate to the feeling of mainstream news being so negative and dispiriting, particularly for empathic individuals.
I just want to say that even if your mum wasn't able to help or provide any practical input, do you think there might still be benefit to her knowing? Being able to clear that air and not need to keep things in might take a big weight off you, and I think that's a pretty underrated part of telling people about being in a rough patch; that need to pretend things are okay can be super exhausting, and just having someone you can tell about things (particularly a parent) could do enough to take the edge off. Different for everyone, of course.
There's just so much to do. I spent the first few days of the holidays doing absolutely no schoolwork and just chilling in an attempt to recuperate and rest and stuff like you're supposed to to deal with stress, but instead of relaxing I just feel guilty because I'm wasting so much time. I know that if I don't get the grades I need for university, I'll look back on how much time I've wasted now, and I'll hate myself more.
I guess I'm just really struggling with balancing everything. It would be easier if I didn't have to work and then I would feel like I had enough time to revise, but unfortunately not only do I need the shifts to pay for driving lessons and save up etc, I can't easily turn down shifts when it's almost their busiest time of year.
Hmmm... maybe it would be good to have her know, but whenever I imagine telling her in my head I just really don't feel comfortable with the idea. I don't know why, because it sounds stupid and I know if a friend was in my situation I'd probably suggest telling their mum too. Maybe I just feel like she doesn't really have the time to be listening to me, or maybe it's that I know that she'd probably try to suggest loads of things which wouldn't help in an attempt to fix the situation even though there isn't really an easy fix. Or she'd start getting over-worried and attribute everything I do to my mental health even when it's not. Maybe it's just that if I'm the only one who knows, I have a bit more control over what I do about it and what people think. Idk, I'm not ruling out completely, I'll have a think about it and maybe try to work up some courage. Thanks
I read your posts and it was very comforting to hear about someone experiencing somewhat similar feelings too me. The feelings you expressed in your first post about losing track of yourself, feeling trapped and wanting to run away were all very relatable for me. It is reassuring to be reminded that there are other people out there who can feel similar things.
One thing that helps me study for exams is trying to plan out days in advance so that I set aside the hours that I know I'll be busy and then allocating the rest of the hours of the day to rests and then study blocks. I know it's a pretty cliched tip but it worked very well for me when I started doing it. It sounds like the bigger problem you have is motivation, which is probably a much harder thing to deal with. You said that you need the grades to go to university. If you are hoping to do something you feel passionate about at university try to draw from your passion in that to motivate you in your studies with that as the end goal. Again this is something that worked for me but won't help everyone and obviously depends on your situation.
I have been having the same problem on whether to tell my mother or not about issues I'm having. In my situation I really don't think I could tell her because I honestly don't think I'd feel comfortable with her knowing about it. I know that is a bad thing to say but its how I feel and I think if she knew I would just feel less comfortable in my home knowing that she knew what was going on in my head. And I would feel the same way about telling anyone I'm close to about it. I am aware that what I'm doing goes against what the standard advice is so maybe I'm in the wrong here but I feel that I will be judged differently by her no matter if she wants to help or doesn't understand my thoughts. I think it's important that you do what makes you feel most comfortable but I'm no advice giving expert just explaining my feelings on a similar situation. This is my first boards post so sorry if I sound strange or something hope you get your studies sorted good luck with everything.
Sometimes it's good to write down your feelings in a place like this where you will not be judged on them. I know how scary it can be to open up about them, so I think you're very brave for doing so.
Exam stress is a big thing. Maybe you could try to plan out your days or create a revision timetable online - a great site for this is getrevising.com. A girl on YouTube recommended it and it's meant to be really good at planning out your time. Another good tip, is to take breaks. A lot of people cannot physically sit and do hours and hours of work. Some people do 55 minutes, then a 5 minute break for a snack, then back to work. I know it can be hard, but try to avoid social media as much as possible i.e. don't go on it in your short breaks. Sometimes it is a good thing to take a day to yourself, don't feel guilty about that. Breaks are important.
As far as telling your mum, I know exactly how you feel. You never know, she might not react the way you expect. She could be very supportive and really try her best to support you. Maybe you could write her an email with similar words to your original post, that gets your feelings across very well and may be an easier way for her to understand. It can be hard to talk face to face about these things, I know that. Does your mum know that your sister is still having issues with self-harm? If not it may be good to bring this up again with her.
I really hope that you receive any support you need and that all goes well for you. I'll keep an eye on this thread to see how you're doing. And honestly, people are listening. People care about you.
Elle.
Thank you for your message - I completely agree, it's comforting to know other people can relate, and though I am sorry to hear you've been feeling a similar way, it's nice to be reminded we're not alone
That's good advice - I try to plan out my days in advance and set out specific slots for studying too, and I think that is helpful, but as you said motivation is the main problem for me. I don't know why I find it so hard to get things done - I think part of it is feeling too overwhelmed by the long list of things to do, and part of it is my perfectionism not wanting to get things wrong, and being too scared to start. Idk. Anyway, I'll keep trying to focus on the long term goals like you mentioned and maybe that'll help a bit. c:
That is pretty much exactly how I feel! The idea of feeling less comfortable knowing that someone else would know what's in my head was kind of what I was trying to explain, but I couldn't put it quite into the right words. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Anyway, I haven't ruled it out yet because I'm not sure what's best for me right now, but I do think it might help to tell /someone/ and I hope you have someone you can talk to about stuff too. And don't worry, you don't sound strange at all - far from it, actually. Welcome to the boards, and good luck with everything to you too! *hug*
Hmm, you might be right about telling Mum, it might not be so bad but I'm just too scared to actually do something so irreversible I guess. Writing a letter would definitely be easier, as I often really struggle to speak about anything personal out loud... although I kind of think that might make her worry about it more than if I just brought it up casually. Hmm... I'll think about it and if anything changes, I'll post again here
Keep talking to us, I hope it's helping *hug*
Thank you, the revision timetable helps a little bit with organising how much time I have and what to spend it on, but I am still struggling with distractions and lack of motivation, especially today. idk if maybe I'm just lazy and that's the problem. I had work today as well, so by the time I got back I was even more tired than before
It sounds stupid, but I feel like I would actually get more done and feel more prepared for exams if I just stayed at home and did the stuff I wanted to revise rather than going to school and doing pointless things which won't help me. It's sad because I'd probably enjoy lessons if it wasn't for a grade, but this amount of pressure means I stop caring about learning the interesting fun stuff and everything just gets focussed on grades and exams and how much time I have left. The whole school environment has become very toxic and miserable now and I miss when I used to like it. I just really really don't want to go back.
I totally get that about the amount of pressure schools place on students to get good grades. I was just wondering how you're first few days at school have gone for you? What you say about wanting to stay at home does not sound stupid at all and I imagine a lot of people feel this way too.
okay so i'm fairly intelligent and therefore i am not allowed to be stressed about things? when i don't know what to do, everyone just assumes i'm lying. i can understand that it must be annoying for people who struggle to get lower grades, and so seeing me feeling i'm not good enough must be irritating - but what they don't get is that i have different standards for myself and telling me i'm smart and that i'll be fine doesn't really make me feel better, it just reinforces this idea that if i fail then i'm falling short of all the expectations both inside and outside my head, and makes me feel guilty for even saying anything
i know that expectations are a big part of the issue with me, i struggle with them a lot, especially with academic stuff, but i can't seem to stop. i don't know how to lower my expectations without feeling like i'm not living up to my potential. all i can think is that i can't fail this, i can't, bc if i do then i don't even know what the point is in me anymore and i'll have wasted the last couple of years and wasted my teachers' time too...
anyway. my exam is tomorrow. i'm stressed but not the right kind of stressed. it's like the stress is there in my head but it's covered up by this weird numb feeling, like someone threw a load of ice over the nervousness and instead of making it manageable, i just feel numb and flat and unmotivated. it's the day before my exam and i am still procrastinating. why am i not frantically revising? i just... i don't know what to do or how to make myself feel prepared. most of all i just feel very, very tired