Home Health & Wellbeing
Need support urgently? Head to this thread.

Paranoid thoughts and struggling

*BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical PosterPosts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
I really don't know where to start with this thread, so I am sorry if it's just a ramble. I am really struggling at the minute. Basically I put a official complaint in against somebody at work, and I think they know it's me, and I am just worried about going to work on Monday, yeah I know I was doing my job and I know in my heart I did the right thing but yeah, we are a small workplace and I just feel like everyone is gonna hate me, I can't deal with it. I feel so paranoid about everyone and everything now, and I just can't face going to work. Why do I have to be like this. I haven't done anything wrong. Why am I so stupid.

I harmed last night, and again this morning cos I just hate myself so much, like everyone else hates me.

I am in so much pain physically with my neck,I am back at the doctors on Friday about my neck, it can't come quick enough.

I can't make sense of anything in my head. I don't know how to move on from this.

I have been taking my medication, but they don't help with everything, I guess. Whenever I try and talk about things people usually just say, stop being so stupid, people don't hate you. But it's not as easy as just stopping thinking that they do, like I think some people think it is.

I'm scared that things are going to get bad again. I don't want to lose my job, I don't want to go into a downward spiral, like it feels like I am going to end up doing.

I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

Everything hurts so much.

" And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
'' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
«1

Comments

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

    I know I havent done anything wrong its just so hard to cope when I feel like everyone is going to hate me.

    I just wish I could stop everything for a while and just get off this ride called life.

    Btw I am glad your still around. :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    awww rgkdhgeuyfgdfgdlfg

    hehe i love you Banana!

    Love you too :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sending *hug* s *BananaMonkey*

    Honestly I don't think your stupid- people tell me all the time to think a certain way, I know my thoughts are illogical but I still believe them- I know that not everybody hates you as for one I like you :) , but I can completely understand that you feelings, thoughts and emotions just over-take.

    With regards to your job I do think you've done the right thing - it must have taken so much courage :yes: but I can sense how scared you must be going back to work(I'm sure a lot of people would feel similar if they were in the same situation). To help me understand things better, do you know for a fact everyone in your work will know about the report? I don't see any reason you would loose your job as you've not done any wrong. No matter what happens, I'm here to listen :heart:

    I wish you the best of luck for going back to work!

    Overall you've got a lot going on and are also in a lot of pain too- that in itself must be exhausting! Try and take it easy- maybe you could do something nice from yourself- whether that's watching a favourite TV programme or enjoying a long hot bath :heart:

    Keep posting if you feel it helps *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks for your reply. :heart:

    I think they will know cos the girl I made the complaint about is close to like everyone at work and also her best friend works there too. I'm so anxious about it all. I know in my heart I have done the right thing, but she could lose her job over this. I didn't think it would get to this, meh I just feel so crap.

    I had a nice bath before, and I am just chilling now, my neck is currently killing me, Friday can't come fast enough. I've just had to take another one of the painkillers but can only take two a day cos they are from the doctor, and pretty strong. So can't take anymore til tomorrow. I just want to cry, my tummy hurts from the harm, and the water didn't help matters. I just want to disappear for a while.

    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well done for taking care of yourself with a bath and chilling, if you need to call in sick because of the pain at any time this week then do so and it may be worth making your manager aware so that you can avoid putting any strain on your neck whilst at work.

    As others have said, you're not stupid *BananaMonkey* - you did the right thing. It sounds like the pattern of paranoia and self-hate is a familiar one for you so it can be really hard to break a cycle like that, but try and listen if you can to the kinder voice you do have as well, that has compassion and cares about you.

    You say yourself, you know in your heart you did the right thing, and that is what matters. Hold on to that thought if you can.

    What happens for this girl is for her to worry about, not you. I know that's not easy in reality but ultimately if she does face any consequences then they will only help her to learn and develop as a professional in her role.

    Keep doing what you can to look after yourself, *hug*
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks Jo, I am only working 4 days. I am off on Friday, then I am back in for two days the following Monday and Tuesday and then I am off for 5 days. I just wish the pain would go away.

    Thanks so much for the kind words and the reply, it means a lot. :heart:

    Just wish I could make all the thoughts go away I guess.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mmm, I understand.

    Notice the thoughts, but let them go by, like clouds.. they are only thoughts and they can't hurt you.. You're okay.

    I'm glad you have some time off ahead :yes:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    You always say the right things :heart:

    Thank you,I really appreciate it. I really mean it.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope work is okay for you tomorrow *BananaMonkey*--Let us know how it all goes if that will help you. Please do remember that none of us see or think of you as stupid and are here to support and advise you in any way that we can.

    Stay strong--big hugs x
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thinking of you today *BananaMonkey* *hug*

    Let us know how it goes, as Jo says its the girls problem not yours :yes:

    I hope all your colleagues are mature enough to respect you whether, they know about the report or not. But if not they aren't worth it :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    She isnt even speaking to me. Which is crap..
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't know where to start with this thread, so I am sorry if it's just a ramble. I am really struggling at the minute. Basically I put a official complaint in against somebody at work, and I think they know it's me, and I am just worried about going to work on Monday, yeah I know I was doing my job and I know in my heart I did the right thing but yeah, we are a small workplace and I just feel like everyone is gonna hate me, I can't deal with it. I feel so paranoid about everyone and everything now, and I just can't face going to work. Why do I have to be like this. I haven't done anything wrong. Why am I so stupid.

    I harmed last night, and again this morning cos I just hate myself so much, like everyone else hates me.

    I am in so much pain physically with my neck,I am back at the doctors on Friday about my neck, it can't come quick enough.

    I can't make sense of anything in my head. I don't know how to move on from this.

    I have been taking my medication, but they don't help with everything, I guess. Whenever I try and talk about things people usually just say, stop being so stupid, people don't hate you. But it's not as easy as just stopping thinking that they do, like I think some people think it is.

    I'm scared that things are going to get bad again. I don't want to lose my job, I don't want to go into a downward spiral, like it feels like I am going to end up doing.

    I just don't know what to do about anything anymore.

    Everything hurts so much.

    Why do you even care what people think? Who cares if you're stupid and worthless? One thing I never understood about self harmers is why do they take their anger out on themselves? Whenever I feel a bit upset I usually just play video games or study, it helps take my mind off things.

    I always imagine those with the kind of thoughts you have to be in a maze in their head and they don't know which way is out... You might have to knock down a few walls, break down a few barriers in order to get people to listen so you get the help you deserve. The problem is that nobody can help you as much as you can help yourself, it's very easy to sit and ponder, to do nothing. If you continue to do nothing then you'll continue to feel like this. You don't want to keep feeling like this do you?

    Maybe people do hate you, think you're stupid and that you're a nightmare for everyone around you. In that case I would suggest finding new friends, people who will actually support you through your times of trouble. Best of luck :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Sending *hug*s

    Just wondering if you were friends/got on well with this girl, before the incident? I only ask as I want to understand your situation better!

    I am wondering how are the rest of your colleagues at work, are you getting on with them just as well as before?

    Also maybe try and remember even if things are difficult and awkward right not, doesn't mean to say it will always be that way. Hopefully things start to calm down and I just wanted to reinforce it was very brave of you to report the girl :heart:

    Here to listen :heart:
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture

    Why do you even care what people think? Who cares if you're stupid and worthless? One thing I never understood about self harmers is why do they take their anger out on themselves? Whenever I feel a bit upset I usually just play video games or study, it helps take my mind off things.

    I always imagine those with the kind of thoughts you have to be in a maze in their head and they don't know which way is out... You might have to knock down a few walls, break down a few barriers in order to get people to listen so you get the help you deserve. The problem is that nobody can help you as much as you can help yourself, it's very easy to sit and ponder, to do nothing. If you continue to do nothing then you'll continue to feel like this. You don't want to keep feeling like this do you?

    Maybe people do hate you, think you're stupid and that you're a nightmare for everyone around you. In that case I would suggest finding new friends, people who will actually support you through your times of trouble. Best of luck :)

    I find your reply very judgemental and I dont find it helpful at all.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I find your reply very judgemental and I dont find it helpful at all.

    Oh... I'm sorry. Which parts did you find judgemental?

    I think you show great courage in telling the world your problems. I just think it's important not to let other peoples opinions of you dictate your life. You don't like being dictated to do you? Having supportive friends is really an important part of getting well though I think.

    Again I apologise if I came across as judgemental. I'm new to these boards so I'm just getting used to conversing on such delicate subjects.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    apandav wrote: »
    Sending *hug*s

    Just wondering if you were friends/got on well with this girl, before the incident? I only ask as I want to understand your situation better!

    I am wondering how are the rest of your colleagues at work, are you getting on with them just as well as before?

    Also maybe try and remember even if things are difficult and awkward right not, doesn't mean to say it will always be that way. Hopefully things start to calm down and I just wanted to reinforce it was very brave of you to report the girl :heart:

    Here to listen :heart:

    We got along yes. But not anymore.

    Thanks for the support and hugs apandav means alot.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    *hug* s *BananaMonkey*

    Here to listen , sorry I don't have much advice to give !
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    I don't really know what to say that others haven't said but I do know you and I can say with my entire heart that you are not worthless. In fact you're very kind and loyal, you try and put everyone else before yourself, and you absolutely belong in the job you're in.

    People who know you, know you wouldn't make a complaint for the sake of it. You must have had a very real and valid reason to do so and if you're saying you did the right thing then that's the case. Nobody can hold that against you.

    I also want to point out that going off just the replies on this thread, not everyone hates you. When you have a moment where you think they do then maybe you can reread the replies on here to remind yourself that people do care about you.

    Take care *hug*
  • The MixThe Mix The Mix HQPosts: 2,548 Staff Team

    One thing I never understood about self harmers is why do they take their anger out on themselves? Whenever I feel a bit upset I usually just play video games or study, it helps take my mind off things.

    I always imagine those with the kind of thoughts you have to be in a maze in their head and they don't know which way is out... You might have to knock down a few walls, break down a few barriers in order to get people to listen so you get the help you deserve. The problem is that nobody can help you as much as you can help yourself, it's very easy to sit and ponder, to do nothing. If you continue to do nothing then you'll continue to feel like this. You don't want to keep feeling like this do you?

    Hey @MasterChief - I just wanted to pull out a few links that might help you to understand what's going on for people that self harm. Thanks for being honest and letting us know that you're new to these kind of conversations :) There are an awful lot of myths around self harm and depression so it's important to be sensitive when you're talking to people that are struggling and avoid making assumptions that the solutions are clear and simple.

    I think what you say about a maze inside someone's head could be quite true, however finding the energy to knock down those walls or break down barriers when you have depression or another mental health illness can be incredibly difficult. The negative thoughts can be overwhelming and finding positive motivation or indeed feeling worthy of getting help when your self-esteem is low can be very hard.

    Here is some info on self harm myths: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...yths-5695.html

    And another on why people self harm: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...harm-5680.html

    This one on dealing with urges also provides an insight into what someone can be feeling who wants to harm: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...harm-5698.html

    I hope these are helpful :)

    @*BananaMonkey* - do keep posting for support when you need to and let us know how things are going *hug*

    -Jo
    We're @Mike, @Connor, @Italia and @Ed_ - the staff team here at The Mix. We don't provide support via this account, but if you have any questions about the boards or need a hand finding your way around, feel free to drop us a message. Alternatively, you can head over to the Help Desk.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    TheSite wrote: »

    Hey @MasterChief - I just wanted to pull out a few links that might help you to understand what's going on for people that self harm. Thanks for being honest and letting us know that you're new to these kind of conversations :) There are an awful lot of myths around self harm and depression so it's important to be sensitive when you're talking to people that are struggling and avoid making assumptions that the solutions are clear and simple.

    I think what you say about a maze inside someone's head could be quite true, however finding the energy to knock down those walls or break down barriers when you have depression or another mental health illness can be incredibly difficult. The negative thoughts can be overwhelming and finding positive motivation or indeed feeling worthy of getting help when your self-esteem is low can be very hard.

    Here is some info on self harm myths: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...yths-5695.html

    And another on why people self harm: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...harm-5680.html

    This one on dealing with urges also provides an insight into what someone can be feeling who wants to harm: http://www.thesite.org/mental-health...harm-5698.html

    I hope these are helpful :)

    @*BananaMonkey* - do keep posting for support when you need to and let us know how things are going *hug*

    -Jo

    Thanks for your reply. I'll take what you've said onboard
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    I thought I was at the doctors today over my neck but my appt isnt til 7th March. So much pain :(
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • The MixThe Mix The Mix HQPosts: 2,548 Staff Team
    I thought I was at the doctors today over my neck but my appt isnt til 7th March. So much pain :(

    If you're in a lot of pain then do call NHS 111 for some medical advice.

    You can also ask for an emergency appointment at the doctors if you need to. Don't suffer unnecessarily @*BananaMonkey* *hug*

    Take care,
    Jo7
    We're @Mike, @Connor, @Italia and @Ed_ - the staff team here at The Mix. We don't provide support via this account, but if you have any questions about the boards or need a hand finding your way around, feel free to drop us a message. Alternatively, you can head over to the Help Desk.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Thanks Jo, it's just the pain is on and off, but when it flares up it's pretty bad.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Feel so alone. Never realised I could be replaced that quickly. Always second best to everyone. Despite my feelings. What do I matter anyway?

    So done
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Feel so alone. Never realised I could be replaced that quickly. Always second best to everyone. Despite my feelings. What do I matter anyway?

    So done

    Sometimes we just have to accept that we're not "king of the castle" so the speak. When you say you feel alone do you mean you don't have friends or family? Or do you mean that you mentally feel alone?
  • The MixThe Mix The Mix HQPosts: 2,548 Staff Team
    *BananaMonkey* didn't say that she wanted to be 'king of the castle'. @MasterChief it's important not to make assumptions without taking the time to find out what's been going on.

    Do you want to tell us a bit more @*BananaMonkey*? You mentioned 'being replaced' and that sounds hurtful for you.

    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lonely *hug*

    Jo
    We're @Mike, @Connor, @Italia and @Ed_ - the staff team here at The Mix. We don't provide support via this account, but if you have any questions about the boards or need a hand finding your way around, feel free to drop us a message. Alternatively, you can head over to the Help Desk.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture

    Sometimes we just have to accept that we're not "king of the castle" so the speak. When you say you feel alone do you mean you don't have friends or family? Or do you mean that you mentally feel alone?

    Do you wanna just like think before you type cos its twice you have upset me now and I am getting a bit annoyed by it now. Its making me not even want to post.

    Urgh.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Do you wanna just like think before you type cos its twice you have upset me now and I am getting a bit annoyed by it now. Its making me not even want to post.

    Urgh.

    I don't know if it still works since the update, but maybe try adding them to the ignore list if they're upsetting you. I hope you're okay
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    Hiccup wrote: »

    I don't know if it still works since the update, but maybe try adding them to the ignore list if they're upsetting you. I hope you're okay

    Ive felt better. Yeah I may have a look next time I am on my laptop. I dunno if I can do it on mobile site.
    Thanks for your reply and care :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,301 Part of The Furniture
    I dont really know what to do anymore.
    I feel so anxious about the future. I just want everything to slow down.
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
    '' It's a beautiful day and I can't stop myself from smiling "
Sign In or Register to comment.