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Teacher Seeking Advice
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Work & Study
I realized the advice people can offer is going to be limited given I can only share so much about where I work, but I will appreciate any and all insight into my situation. Thank you in advance.
Backstory: TLDR - Sufferer of lifelong depression, in a teaching position way over my head, but need to stick out the year for the money.
To begin, I've dealt with anxiety and depression all my life. Up until a couple of years ago it was manageable, and while I had been to counselor, my mental health issues were never severe enough to need medication or intensive therapy. I've never found a therapist I was happy with. I've never been comfortable enough to share my true thoughts and feelings.
That all changed when I got my first teaching position last year. It took me five long years following graduation to land this position, because no one wants to hire teachers without experience. So, I was thrilled when I got the job. I had no idea how much stress was about to come my way, or how rough this position was going to be.
To be fair, there are worse schools. However, it is a very rough school district, the administration is not supportive at all, and rather than teaching general English, I'm teaching special education, which I was not trained for at all. I've been left on my own in meetings that I didn't know how to run, made numerous mistakes I was not aware of despite asking for feedback, and feel like I'm drowning.
So, unsurprisingly, my depression has worsened since I started this job. By the end of last year, just in time for summer break, I was engaging in self-harm. On several occasions I contemplated suicide as a better option that going into work, where I felt constantly over my head. Nothing brought me any joy, not my husband or son, not my normal hobbies. Summer offered some relief, but also came with a barrage of courses and training that needed to be attended so that I would look good for next year. By the time August rolled around, I was having daily panic attacks, terrified of going back to work. But we need the money, so back I went.
This year has been no different than the last. Last week was downright miserable. At the beginning of the year, I had to check my caseload's schedules to ensure they were in the correct placement. When I asked for a follow up check, the response was "this is your second year, do you really need that much hand holding." Not in those exact words, but the department head made it clear she had better things to do. Fair enough, but now, halfway through the school year, I discovered I'd made two mistakes. Two students in the wrong placement. Both parents had to be called. One was very understanding and said it was fine to adjust her schedule. The other much less so. She demanded her son remain in the classroom he was placed in and someone be provided to meet his accommodations. Guess who had a planning period during that time? So, now I've lost a planning period. The administration threw me right under the bus, ordered me into that classroom, and actually joked that they guess this will mean longer nights at school for me.
I'm devastated. Embarrassed I had made such stupid mistakes, and angry that those mistakes will now make an already stressful job even worse. The desire to self-harm is back, as are the suicidal thoughts.
TLDR - Sufferer of lifelong depression, in a teaching position way over my head, but need to stick out the year for the money.
I went to my doctor, and explained everything. Medication first and foremost, which I agreed to. Therapy, and than she asked the question that made me just plain sad. Would you consider taking a leave of absence?
I would love to. And yes, at this point, we could afford for me to have up to two months off. I'm entitled to FMLA, but not paid. I have some sick time to cover a little of it. My husband and I had decided I would not be renewing my contract this year anyway. With two years of experience, I'll be looking for a gen ed position, and failing that, I'm going back into teaching private kindergarten. As exhausting as it was, it never exacerbated by depression.
Can I be fired during this time? I've heard of employees being fired after returning from leave over mistakes discovered during that time. And yes, there may well be mistakes, or they can certainly take the mistakes already brought to light and prove that I should be fired. I feel like they won't do that now, because I'm pretty much their "female dog", but if I go out, I think that will really irk the admin.
Can they withhold money they still technically owe me? Obviously not going to share my real salary, so we'll just play pretend. Let's say I make 12,000 a year. At the beginning of the year, there's the option to get paid all 12 months, or just the 10 months of the school year. Same pay, just spread differently. So, my scale is $1000 a month. At this point, 5 months into the school year, I've received $5000 in pay slips. If I were on the 10 month, I'd have received $6000 by now. My contract says quitting can mean forfeiting pay. It says nothing about what happens if I'm fired, so would they still owe me that $1000.
I know these are questions better put to HR, but I'm wary of explaining all of this to someone over the phone. Before any decisions are made, I will do so, but I found this website and thought I'd search for a little insight here.
Backstory: TLDR - Sufferer of lifelong depression, in a teaching position way over my head, but need to stick out the year for the money.
To begin, I've dealt with anxiety and depression all my life. Up until a couple of years ago it was manageable, and while I had been to counselor, my mental health issues were never severe enough to need medication or intensive therapy. I've never found a therapist I was happy with. I've never been comfortable enough to share my true thoughts and feelings.
That all changed when I got my first teaching position last year. It took me five long years following graduation to land this position, because no one wants to hire teachers without experience. So, I was thrilled when I got the job. I had no idea how much stress was about to come my way, or how rough this position was going to be.
To be fair, there are worse schools. However, it is a very rough school district, the administration is not supportive at all, and rather than teaching general English, I'm teaching special education, which I was not trained for at all. I've been left on my own in meetings that I didn't know how to run, made numerous mistakes I was not aware of despite asking for feedback, and feel like I'm drowning.
So, unsurprisingly, my depression has worsened since I started this job. By the end of last year, just in time for summer break, I was engaging in self-harm. On several occasions I contemplated suicide as a better option that going into work, where I felt constantly over my head. Nothing brought me any joy, not my husband or son, not my normal hobbies. Summer offered some relief, but also came with a barrage of courses and training that needed to be attended so that I would look good for next year. By the time August rolled around, I was having daily panic attacks, terrified of going back to work. But we need the money, so back I went.
This year has been no different than the last. Last week was downright miserable. At the beginning of the year, I had to check my caseload's schedules to ensure they were in the correct placement. When I asked for a follow up check, the response was "this is your second year, do you really need that much hand holding." Not in those exact words, but the department head made it clear she had better things to do. Fair enough, but now, halfway through the school year, I discovered I'd made two mistakes. Two students in the wrong placement. Both parents had to be called. One was very understanding and said it was fine to adjust her schedule. The other much less so. She demanded her son remain in the classroom he was placed in and someone be provided to meet his accommodations. Guess who had a planning period during that time? So, now I've lost a planning period. The administration threw me right under the bus, ordered me into that classroom, and actually joked that they guess this will mean longer nights at school for me.
I'm devastated. Embarrassed I had made such stupid mistakes, and angry that those mistakes will now make an already stressful job even worse. The desire to self-harm is back, as are the suicidal thoughts.
TLDR - Sufferer of lifelong depression, in a teaching position way over my head, but need to stick out the year for the money.
I went to my doctor, and explained everything. Medication first and foremost, which I agreed to. Therapy, and than she asked the question that made me just plain sad. Would you consider taking a leave of absence?
I would love to. And yes, at this point, we could afford for me to have up to two months off. I'm entitled to FMLA, but not paid. I have some sick time to cover a little of it. My husband and I had decided I would not be renewing my contract this year anyway. With two years of experience, I'll be looking for a gen ed position, and failing that, I'm going back into teaching private kindergarten. As exhausting as it was, it never exacerbated by depression.
Can I be fired during this time? I've heard of employees being fired after returning from leave over mistakes discovered during that time. And yes, there may well be mistakes, or they can certainly take the mistakes already brought to light and prove that I should be fired. I feel like they won't do that now, because I'm pretty much their "female dog", but if I go out, I think that will really irk the admin.
Can they withhold money they still technically owe me? Obviously not going to share my real salary, so we'll just play pretend. Let's say I make 12,000 a year. At the beginning of the year, there's the option to get paid all 12 months, or just the 10 months of the school year. Same pay, just spread differently. So, my scale is $1000 a month. At this point, 5 months into the school year, I've received $5000 in pay slips. If I were on the 10 month, I'd have received $6000 by now. My contract says quitting can mean forfeiting pay. It says nothing about what happens if I'm fired, so would they still owe me that $1000.
I know these are questions better put to HR, but I'm wary of explaining all of this to someone over the phone. Before any decisions are made, I will do so, but I found this website and thought I'd search for a little insight here.
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Comments
The offer impartial and confidential advice to employees looking for advice on rules and their rights.
On reading your story I felt a huge sense of relief when I heard you planned to take some time out, it's no wonder with all that stress and lack of support that your depression has reared up and taken control and it takes huge courage sometimes to ask for help and go to the doctor but you do deserve support and you do deserve to put yourself and your health and happiness first. There is no shame in this at all.
It's also worth remembering that you if you need a non-judgemental outlet then the Samaritans are always there to listen anytime of day or night and could also provide you with a distraction when you're having thoughts of self harm or suicide.
Take care of yourself and good luck for the future, you sound like a thoughtful and driven person with a lot to offer *hug*
- Jo7
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