Therapy after abusive relationship?

Former Member

So, I was in an abusive relationship for about two years. Mostly, psychological abuse, as in lots of shouting, very manipulative and unkind. He's putting lots of blame on me for what he did, treating himself as though he is a victim. Anything I say to the contrary means I'm 'controlling' or 'manipulating' him. He significantly exaggerates many examples of my 'disgusting behaviour', downplays his, he was also so drunk for the majority of the time that he is either completely incorrect ot just lying. He has blamed me for becoming an alcoholic (although he told me drank alot before he met me), for having depression (he was on antidepressants before he met me) and for not completing his uni work (I would offer for him to come to the library with me and actually encourage him often to do his work and not play games) Everything he did was because of what I did, apparently. I've put a few posts on here about what happened.

Anyway, I've been out for about a month now and I'm so much happier. The thing is I'm very confused and there's lots of feelings of shame and guilt, not sure whether I was to blame for certain things. I feel like I'm completely tangled and confused by someone else's perception of me, I feel very conflicted and disturbed sometimes. I'm being blamed for so many things without any hearing of my say, like I'm just being berated for being a horrible person and I'm not allowed to stand up for myself. It feels like the abuse is carrying on way after the relationship.

Saying that, my mental health is very good, for how it was previously, it's great and I'm grateful. The thing is I had therapy at uni for a long time and I've had Dynamic Interpersonal Therapy from NHS wellbeing service. That ended a couple of months ago now. I want to go through what happened in the relationship, but I'm not sure whether I need or deserve therapy to do that. I'm not suicidal nor self-harming, I feel pretty good in myself, but I am very confused about what happened and I've met somebody lovely, and I want to get clearer and resolve this before I start a new relationship.

I feel like I've had so much of their time that they'll think I'm very low priority and I'll feel a fool for even asking.

I'm sorry this sounds very bitter, I feel wronged and annoyed. I can't even do much about it, and he's going to keep playing this 'oh woe is me' narrative to anyone who will listen to make himself feel better. I know I can't stop him, but I don't know how to limit the damage on myself.

TheMix

Hey Starrynight,

When I read this post and that you felt perhaps what you experienced might be considered low priority or that you would be a fool for even asking, I felt really sad.

My response would be the opposite

Wanting to work through your experience, the impact it has had on you emotionally and hearing your drive to limit further damage to yourself is inspiring and I feel you are absolutely entitled to pursue this - finding your way through what happened and arriving at a place where you feel able to move forward with clarity sounds positive and worthwhile to ensure your future wellbeing and happiness.

It's wonderful to hear you have met someone you feel is lovely and so wanting to approach that carefully is understandable, and admirable.

Can you remind me how old you are? If you're under 25 still then Youth Access can help you to find counselling services in your area: http://www.youthaccess.org.uk/find-your-local-service/

There may also be services local to you that specifically support women who have been victims of abuse - physical or emotional. You might like to use our local advice finder to see what might be available in your area: http://www.thesite.org/apps-and-tool...local-services

Womens Aid are also a great source of advice and information: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

I also notice from your post that it sounds like you may still be in contact with your ex? I wonder if you might be able to put some space between you so that you can be free from the confusion and manipulation that comes with hearing from him?

Wishing you all the best and do let us know how you're getting on *hug*

- Jo7

Former Member

Hi, I know this is from a long time ago but I wanted to give you an update. I am now doing my MA with a lovely person who treats me well. I don't have any contact with the ex and while I did not go to therapy I feel that I have moved on in my life and that much of the pain of that time is being healed. Thanks for your help though. All best

Former Member

That's lovely to hear! I'm glad everything is good for you now

JustV

Starry night wrote: »

Hi, I know this is from a long time ago but I wanted to give you an update. I am now doing my MA with a lovely person who treats me well. I don't have any contact with the ex and while I did not go to therapy I feel that I have moved on in my life and that much of the pain of that time is being healed. Thanks for your help though. All best

Hello stranger!

It's so great to hear from you. You deserve a break, so I'm glad you've found someone better for you.

Hope the MA is going smoothly and that you're generally well!

(Formerly MikeS/Petrichor )