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Emotional harm - mentions abuse

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been causing my self harm by putting me in situations that cause more emotional pain. Where most may use physical pain I have been using emotional pain. Eg when I was pregnant my partner at the time forced me to have sex with him. I did refuse but eventually gave up and let him.

I have no self worth or belief I hate myself I don't deserve happiness so I inflict more emotional pain on me. I did this my having an affair. I didn't enjoy the sex it took me back to the days of my ex partner who did what he did or how it made me feel or the kissing. I pretend I did to the guy. More lies and deceit. It hurt me each time I saw him or messaged. It covered all I was feeling up, it was worse pain than I was feeling as not only did it bring back the feelings of helplessness, no selfworth/respect dirty. I also felt guilty and ashamed and remorseful against my partner who I love dearly, he consumes me. But everything I had convinced my self was a massive weight on top off that and I couldn't get to it to stop me all the other emotional and my way of thinking over powered that.

Getting caught was my wake up call to all I was doing. I still emotionally harm in other ways just not to this affect.

Can anyone help make me understand it more as I feel it's only me I can find nothing on this and it just eats away at me more

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jamg and welcome to TheSite - this is a community aimed at 16-25s, a safe place to get advice from other young people. I noticed your age and just wanted to mention you're more than welcome to stick around although you might find peer support more suited to your age for example within the Mind community: https://www.elefriends.org.uk/

    I'm really sorry to hear about what you have been going through. No one should ever force you to have sex. Your body is yours and does not belong to anyone else. Being with someone that treats you this way, it's understandable that you're feeling so low. If you ever need to talk in confidence you can contact Womens Aid or the Samaritans.

    Self harm comes in many different forms and it sounds like you're deliberately putting yourself in situations that will reinforce the negative view that you hold of yourself, you mention your lack of self-worth and self-hatred and these kinds of feelings can be hard to shake, especially if you have felt them for some time. The stronger these beliefs are the more they can impact the way we behave - thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all interlinked.

    I wonder if you have considered getting some help and support to help you cope and to start to rebuild your self-worth? Counselling could be an option for you and provide you with a safe and supportive space to explore these issues. Counselling can help to raise our self-awareness and as we understand better our own actions and feelings, we start to have more choice over the way these play out. The counselling directory has some more information: http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/what-is-counselling.html

    Do you have any friends or someone close you feel able to confide it about this? You do deserve to find happiness in life *hug*


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I M in thearpy and seeing my doctor tomoro.
    I have a friend who is there for me but I feel guilty calling on her.

    My partner , well ex as he ended it after what I have done, is the most amazing man you could ever meet so loving and caring. That's why all this is so much harder. He doesn't understand how I could do this to him, neither do I.

    What I went through I was pregnant with my son and 14 years ago but the last 6 months everything had creeped in I thought I could handle it but I couldn't it's the lowest I've ever been.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Jamg - it's positive to hear that you're in therapy and that you're seeing the doctor today - let us know how it goes :)

    Thanks for clarifying that the events you spoke about were some time ago too.

    I recently learnt that affairs often happen for three key reasons and I thought I'd share this as it might help you and your partner, here they are:

    1. The person loves sex and wants more of it
    2. The person is unhappy in the relationship and wants out, the affair is a way of making that happen and the new relationship may well be short lived
    3. A cry for help - something is wrong for them in the relationship but the person doesn't know how to cope with it

    It sounds to me as though your situation may relate to number 3 - your actions were possibly related to the self-hatred you talk about and were really about you, rather than about a dissatisfaction with your relationship? What do you think? I just thought it might be a useful perspective :chin:

    You mention having a friend who is there for you but that you feel guilty calling her - what is it that you're worried about? If she heard you say that you feel guilty, how do you think she might respond?

    *hug*
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